I present to you a second excerpt from my new comedy book, Shane Presents Shane's Empty Thoughts: Based On The Empty Thoughts Of Shane:
I’ve always wanted to travel the world. Unfortunately, I’ve never really had the opportunity to visit foreign countries, so I’m a little jealous of friends who have been able to do so. They’ve picked up on this, and being the thoughtful people that they are, they like to bring home souvenirs for me whenever they go on vacation.
I have a large collection of T-shirts, snow globes, pens, magnets, coasters, calendars, candy and other tchotchkes from abroad that were given to me as gifts. I’m touched that my friends thought of me during their trips and spent some of their money on me. But having said that, they wasted their money.
I have to be honest. I don’t really want a T-shirt with the Italian flag on it, or a Big Ben shot glass, or a miniature replica of the Eiffel Tower. What am I supposed to do with them? I hesitate to put them on display in my home. It would be awkward if my guests saw them. “Hey, nice Paris mug. When were you there?” “Oh, I wasn’t there. Never been. Got it from my pal, he was there a few months ago. What a great time that was...for him.” I don’t want to share my friends’ memories. I want my own memories.
I can’t count how many key chains I’ve received over the years. I have a shoebox full of them. I think at some point in my life, my friends decided that I should start a key chain collection and that they should make as many contributions to it as possible. Again, guys, thanks for the lovely gesture, but if you’re reading this, please do not buy me any more key chains. I don’t have much use for them. How many keys do you think I own? I’m not a custodian. I just have keys to my house and to my car, and they both fit on one key chain. That’s all I need.
Next time you go on vacation, you don’t even need to send me a postcard. I’ll just assume you’re having a great time and that the weather is much better there than it is at home. Just have fun and I’ll see you when you get back. And don’t you dare bring me back something.