Thursday, November 3, 2011

When Celebrity Marriages Fail

Celebrity crushes are a funny thing. We all have them. We're all attracted to that certain someone, that star who we find attractive, charming, witty, personable. That star who we wish could be part of our lives in some form or fashion.

But let's be honest: The crushes are completely and utterly pointless. They're fun to joke about, fun to discuss with friends. But otherwise, there's no reason to have a crush on a celebrity. If you've read this entry, you know how I feel about acting on a celebrity crush: You can't. Celebrities are on a different level from the rest of us. They're unattainable. I suppose that's one reason why we're so drawn to them.

If you've read the entry I linked to in the previous paragraph, you also know that my celebrity crush is Zooey Deschanel. This is hardly a surprise. There aren't many people who don't have a crush on Zooey. And not just average Joes like me. The media is fawning over her new TV show, New Girl, because she's so adorable. Or "adorkable," as the advertisements label her. I don't find that word to be all that clever, but the fact that viewers are overlooking the description and embracing the show anyway is a testament to Zooey's popularity at the moment. She's cute, she's talented, and she's quirky. What's not to like?

So when it was announced the other day that Zooey and her husband, Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard, had separated, my friends instantly sought me out for my reaction. "Hey, did you hear the news? You must be happy, right? Now's your chance!"

Actually, no, I wasn't happy. I don't want to see any marriages end in failure. I feel bad for Zooey, to be honest.

"Now's your chance." I know that was said to me in jest, but the fact that my friends thought I'd be happy that she's now available makes me think that they actually want me to make a move on her. Which is preposterous.

It can't happen for a few reasons. One, I have no way of contacting her. She has a Twitter feed, but I doubt I could write a tweet in which I could sufficiently introduce myself and ask her out in 140 characters or less.

But let's say that by some miracle, I could manage to reach out to her. What would I say? "Zooey, I heard the bad news. I'm so sorry. I just want to say, I'm here for you if you want to talk.

"I want you to know that I love your work. (500) Days of Summer is one of my favorite movies, and your last She & Him album wasn't half-bad. I was hoping we could discuss this more over dinner sometime?"

So in response to my friends' questions, Yes, I did hear the news; no, I'm not happy; and, you're an idiot.

But...if Zooey does need someone to talk to...she knows where to find me on Twitter.