It's a dream of mine to host Saturday Night Live. If you're a frequent reader of this blog, you know this, because I once wrote an entry listing the reasons why I'd be a capable host. I am so eager to host SNL that I created a monologue for myself, featuring special appearances by Alec Baldwin, Steve Martin and Michael Cera. I thought it was rather entertaining, myself.
I published that entry three days after the premiere of the current SNL season. We're now halfway through the season, and I've yet to receive an invite. Disappointing, to say the least.
I don't have any formal training in acting, but I am confident I can be an SNL triple threat if given the chance. I can star in movies, I can perform live, and I can write sketches. Preferably in that order.
Later tonight, Lindsay Lohan will host SNL for a fourth time. Before I Googled her name, I hadn't realized she'd hosted so many times before. I'm not saying she doesn't deserve to be on the show again. I'm rooting for her to have a successful career comeback. Her personal problems were never my business, so I have no reason to hold them against her, or wish anything but the best for her.
But there are two reasons why I feel I should be allowed to host SNL before she does: 1) She's six years younger than I am, and she's had plenty of opportunities already; and 2) according to IMDB, she's "known for" Herbie Fully Loaded and the 2004 MTV Movie Awards. Aren't I more qualified to host SNL than Lindsay based on the fact that I didn't appear in Herbie Fully Loaded and on the 2004 MTV Movie Awards?
In any event, I promised that I'd continue to write sketches for myself, just in case my dream comes true. As I said, I've written a monologue. I'm skipping the opening sketch; it's usually political in nature, and the host generally doesn't take part in it.
Oftentimes, the monologue is followed by a pre-taped commercial parody. So here's one that I've written, inspired by the end of Oscar season. It's pretty self-explanatory. Enjoy.
"When you're an actor, there's no greater feeling than being nominated during awards season. You're invited to parties. You're winning awards. You're wearing fancy clothes. You're talking to Ryan Seacrest on red carpets.
"But what happens to you when there are no more awards to be handed out, and the parties are over? Do you feel an inexplicable void in your life?
"You're not alone. Dozens of actors every year suffer from what is informally known as post-awards-seasonal blues. A nagging feeling that the average film critic or moviegoer won't pay attention to you until next fall, at the earliest.
"Post-awards-seasonal blues may be related to the uncertainty regarding whether you'll ever be nominated again. This is particularly true if you're between the ages of 10 and 21.
"Fortunately, there's a cure. Trophyum will keep you motivated as you work through the relatively unexciting spring months, attending film festivals and promoting movies that aren't all that important in the grand scheme of things.
"Trophyum is not for everyone. Do not use if you are dating Jennifer Aniston or will star in Martin Scorsese or Woody Allen's next movie. Side effects may include loss of hair, bloating, and an increasing desire to be followed around by TMZ.
"Trophyum: It gives you bliss once you've gone A-list."