I'm 31 years old, and I can't cook.
This isn't a confession. I'm just stating a fact. I'm not embarrassed by it. Not at all. Still, I'm often told by friends and family that I should learn how to cook. "You really ought to learn how to cook."
I ought to do a lot of things, according to them. "You really ought to learn how to cook." "You really ought to exercise." "You really ought to get married." "You really ought to floss more." (Word of advice: Don't accept your dentist's Facebook friend request. He won't hesitate to remind you on your wall that you don't floss enough.)
This is how I'm encouraged to find my soul mate, by the way: by listening to my friends and family attempt to destroy my confidence by listing all of the reasons why any self-respecting woman should not get romantically involved with me. You can't cook. You don't exercise. You don't floss enough. You're not getting any younger. You can barely take care of yourself. Now go out there and find the woman of your dreams!
I try to live my life as the president does. What better role model can an American have than the leader of the free world? So whenever I hear one of these "ought to" lectures, I immediately think of the president.
Is he married? Yes. Does he exercise? Yes. Does he floss? Probably. He has a nice smile. So I can't really argue with friends and family on those fronts.
But does the president cook for himself? I doubt it very much. For starters, he has a staff of chefs. If he's craving Wendy's at 2 a.m., they have to whip up a Dave's Hot 'N Juicy burger right away.
I'm not sure the president does much with the vegetable garden at the White House, either. Maybe he does, I don't know. But it seems the first lady does most of the supervising of the garden. She's the force behind the "Let's Move!" campaign, which promotes healthy eating. It's OK, but I much prefer Dolley Madison's "Let's Eat Ice Cream!" campaign.
The president is a busy man. He doesn't have time to cook. I'm a busy man. I don't have time to cook. I much prefer eating cereal. Many bowls of cereal. You can eat cereal any time of the day. It's easy. It's delicious. It's nutritious, if you choose the right brands.
I often serve cereal to houseguests. They love it. Here's a tip: If you want to make something extra special for your guests, try mixing four or more brands of cereal into one big bowl. It doesn't even matter which brands. Go ahead, combine Raisin Bran with Lucky Charms. It's not a bad idea to balance the sugar and marshmallows with a little fruit.
For whatever reason, many of my friends and relatives are cereal snobs. They look down on me for eating cereal so much. "You can't eat cereal all the time!" As a way to further taunt me, they post pictures of their home-cooked meals onto Facebook. The arrogance comes across in every caption: "Made this for dinner after finding the recipe on Pinterest. It's vegetable lasagna, but I added an extra dash of pepper to put my own twist on it."
And each photo receives at least 10 "likes." When I post a picture of my outstanding Froot Loops-Rice Krispies milk stew, it's completely ignored. How anyone can prefer vegetable lasagna over a Froot Loops/Rice Krispies mix is beyond me.
I can't be the only adult male who'd rather explore cereal mixology than learn how to cook. If you're like me, let's swap cereal recipes. I'll gladly share my secret behind the Froot Loops-Rice Krispies milk stew. Even with you, Mr. President. Let's eat cereal!