Monday, June 25, 2012

A Man Without An Enemy In The World

Chris Brown and Drake have been on my mind a lot lately. You may have heard that they had an altercation at a New York City club that escalated into a bottle-throwing melee earlier this month. Allegedly, it had something to do with the fact that they both have dated Rihanna.

I'm not a fan of either, really, although I admired Drake's performance as high school shooting victim Jimmy Brooks on Degrassi: The Next Generation. But he wasn't known as Drake at the time.

(Never mind the fact that I was watching Degrassi: The Next Generation in my mid- to late 20s. But this shouldn't come as a surprise to you. I've established on this blog many times that I have the TV viewing habits of a 15-year-old girl. I doubt this will ever change.)

The more I read about the fight, the more I understand that 1) I should never, ever, under any circumstances, date Rihanna; and 2) I don't have any enemies. Maybe for the first time in my life.

That last statement requires some clarification. I do have people in my life who rub me the wrong way, irritate me, annoy me even: my boss, my mailman, my friends, the entire Yankees organization, Taylor Swift. I wouldn't consider any of them to be enemies, though. Not enemies in the sense that I'd throw a bottle at them. And as far as I know, they don't have any problems with me.

This must be a sign that I've matured over the years. In my younger days, I believed I had the innate ability to get under the skin of my peers. It just came naturally to me. I'd have five or six enemies at a time. As much as I try to forget them, it's not possible, since Facebook constantly recommends that I send them a friend request. How many times do I have to "X" out their name before Facebook stops toying with my emotions? And for goodness sake, I'm not going to "like" the Yankees; dig through my personal information a little harder next time, Facebook!

I have to admit, there's a part of me that wishes I did have an enemy, just one, someone I can really despise and have a feud with. Not on the level of Chris Brown and Drake, but something that could lead to a heated dispute or Twitter war. It would make my mundane life a little more interesting.

Think about it: Where would Alec Baldwin be without the paparazzi, Jerry without Newman, LC without Heidi? (Didn't I tell you I have the TV viewing habits of a 15-year-old girl?) Drama equals excitement.

Fortunately, I've found a website that matches potential enemies: OkCupid. Really, it is a dating website. For those of you who've never used the site, it calculates your match percentage with others on the site, i.e. how compatible you are with them.

But the site also calculates an "enemy" percentage; the higher it is for a particular person, the more likely it is that you aren't a good match for one another, based on differences in lifestyle or philosophy.

I've already failed at finding the woman of my dreams on a dating website. So maybe I should try to find the enemy of my dreams. It might be fun to meet someone who I'm at least 50% enemy with. It can be a boy or a girl, doesn't matter. As long as I can meet them and tear them down to their face. And then we can continue to grow the relationship; he or she can write nasty comments about me on Facebook and Twitter, I can call them and then hang up on them. You know, the things that make for a really good relationship between enemies.

Ideally, I'd look for something long term. I'd want to settle down with that one special enemy that can frustrate me for the rest of my life.

I'm not looking for anyone who throws bottles, though.