Monday, January 4, 2016

The 2016 Golden Globes Opening Monologue You Won't See

I'm excited that award season is under way. Too excited, really. I'm not a nominee. I'm not a guest. And, most notably, I'm not a host.

Longtime readers of this blog know that it's been my pseudo-dream to emcee an award show. I've said it in jest, though I was still motivated to write my own opening monologue for the 2014 and 2015 Golden Globe Awards (which you can read here and here.)

It's become an annual tradition, one that I'm, yes, excited to renew here, with the 2016 Golden Globes just days away. It's a fun exercise, to sharpen my comedic skills, express my creativity, and put my knowledge of pop culture to good use. And the best part: I can tell jokes while wearing flannel pants and a Saved by the Bell T-shirt in my apartment. Sure beats walking a red carpet in a tuxedo.

I humbly submit, for your consideration, an opening monologue for this Sunday's ceremony. Introducing your host for the evening, me....

"Hello, and welcome to the 73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards, the only show you'll watch live on broadcast television until the Oscars. It's an honor to be hosting the telecast, and I hope I can entertain you tonight. But just in case I don't, I have recorded 12 more opening monologues. You can stream them all on Netflix beginning at 3 a.m. Eastern time tomorrow morning.

"It was a record-breaking year for Hollywood in 2015, highlighted by the new Star Wars movie. What a fantastic film. I loved it. Wonderful performances all around. Adam Driver was terrific as the villain Kylo Ren. Though I have to admit, when I first heard that a Girls cast member is featured in Star Wars, I assumed it would be a naked Lena Dunham.

"J.J. Abrams proved once again that he has the ability to breathe new life into a beloved franchise. He did it with Star Trek, he did it with Star Wars, he did it with Alvin and the Chipmunks. Little-known fact: he had a hand in writing the screenplay for Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Road Chip. He didn't receive credit, but he is responsible for the biggest plot twist in the film: Dave killed by his own son, Alvin. Dave yelled Alvin's name one too many times. Alvin just snapped.

"Legendary actors were all over the big screen in 2015: Harrison Ford as Han Solo in Star Wars, Sylvester Stallone as Rocky Balboa in Creed, Arnold Schwarzenegger as the Terminator in Terminator Genisys. I'm just glad they were able to capitalize on the momentum of The Expendables 3 and find new and original roles for themselves.

"Another star of The Expendables 3, Ronda Rousey, had a difficult year. Not because she lost her first UFC fight, but because she appeared in the Entourage movie.

"There are so many great films nominated for a Golden Globe tonight. The Martian is a nominee for best comedy. As it should be. I can't help but laugh out loud every time I think about an astronaut being abandoned by his crew and forced to grow potatoes using his own feces on a planet 250 million miles away.

"For the record, Hollywood has sent Matt Damon, George Clooney, and Matthew McConaughey to outer space in the last three years. So let that be a lesson to the kids watching at home who dream of becoming an astronaut when they grow up: Forget it. You're not good-looking enough. I'm sorry.

"The Danish Girl star Eddie Redmayne is nominated. I highly recommend the film if you haven't seen it. It's the most gripping biopic of Little Debbie I've seen to date.

"Playing a transgender woman was the latest in a series of challenging roles for Redmayne, after portraying Stephen Hawking in The Theory of Everything and having to act in Jupiter Ascending. I have to admit, I didn't watch Jupiter Ascending. I find movies by the Wachowskis to be too confusing. Speed Racer went completely over my head.

"On TV, we said goodbye to Mad Men after seven seasons. The drama forever changed the way we binge-smoke and cheat on our wives.

"In the finale, Don Draper created the famous 'I'd Like to Buy the World a Coke' commercial. But as we saw in the post-credits scene, his life went into a downward spiral in the '80s after his ad campaign for New Coke was a massive failure.

"Let's hand out some awards. Our first presenter is a successful talk show host, author and comedian. Please welcome to the stage Steve Harvey!

(Applause)

"Okay, folks. I have to apologize. Steve Harvey is not our first presenter. It's Bryan Cranston. It is my mistake."