Friday, February 26, 2016

Swag Bag Letdown

If I were an Oscar nominee, I would feel so let down by the plastic bag of goodies my dentist hands out at the end of an appointment.

That was the first thought that came to mind when I read an article detailing the contents of the swag bag that will be presented to this year's nominees. The gifts reportedly include a VIP trip to Israel; Vampire breast lift treatment; vaporizers; personalized M&M's; and much more. 

The Israel trip alone is worth $55,000. $55,000! I have visited Israel twice, and I came nowhere close to spending $55,000. If I had, I would've eaten a lot more falafel and shawarma sandwiches, I assure you. And felt really good about it, too.

The swag bag article leaves me with so many questions: What's a Vampire breast lift treatment? Is it only offered at night? If I expose my nipples to sunlight afterward, will they turn to dust? Is it OK to eat falafel and personalized M&M's after treatment?

In total, the swag bag for Oscar nominees is reportedly worth up to $220,000. By comparison, the swag bag for patients at my dentist's office is worth up to $2.20. When I receive a mini tube of toothpaste, a mini dental floss container, and a disposable toothbrush, I'm not made to feel like a star, like Leonardo DiCaprio or Matt Damon. I'm made to feel like Austin Powers, or Sloth from The Goonies

Where are the all-expenses-paid trips? Where are the plastic surgery vouchers? Where are the vaporizers?

And where are the M&M's? My teeth delivered a great performance this year. I had no cavities, no plaque, no tartar. I deserve M&M's! #TeethSoWhite