That was the first thought that came to mind when I read an article detailing the contents of the swag bag that will be presented to this year's nominees. The gifts reportedly include a VIP trip to Israel; Vampire breast lift treatment; vaporizers; personalized M&M's; and much more.
The Israel trip alone is worth $55,000. $55,000! I have visited Israel twice, and I came nowhere close to spending $55,000. If I had, I would've eaten a lot more falafel and shawarma sandwiches, I assure you. And felt really good about it, too.
The swag bag article leaves me with so many questions: What's a Vampire breast lift treatment? Is it only offered at night? If I expose my nipples to sunlight afterward, will they turn to dust? Is it OK to eat falafel and personalized M&M's after treatment?
In total, the swag bag for Oscar nominees is reportedly worth up to $220,000. By comparison, the swag bag for patients at my dentist's office is worth up to $2.20. When I receive a mini tube of toothpaste, a mini dental floss container, and a disposable toothbrush, I'm not made to feel like a star, like Leonardo DiCaprio or Matt Damon. I'm made to feel like Austin Powers, or Sloth from The Goonies.
Where are the all-expenses-paid trips? Where are the plastic surgery vouchers? Where are the vaporizers?
And where are the M&M's? My teeth delivered a great performance this year. I had no cavities, no plaque, no tartar. I deserve M&M's! #TeethSoWhite