Don't Shed A Tear For Me (Shed A Tear for "Toy Story 3")

Forgive me if I'm a little emotional right now. I just watched an incredibly heartrending film. It was a story of friendship. It was a story of struggle. It was a story of survival.

It was Toy Story 3.

I cried while watching it. I cried while watching a movie about toys. Animated toys. How embarrassing. And this was the second time I'd seen Toy Story 3.

There's one scene in particular that really touched me. In the film's climax, Woody, Buzz Lightyear and their toy friends are trapped on a conveyor belt leading to an incinerator. Facing certain death, they reach out to one another, hold hands and close their eyes.

(Spoiler alert: They all live. Another spoiler alert: There's a climactic scene in which they are trapped on a conveyor belt leading to an incinerator.)

At that moment, I lost it. Tears were streaming down my face. The mere thought of a beloved movie franchise killing off a fictional wooden cowboy and an electronic space ranger was more than I could bare.

I'm reflecting on this after the fact because I would have never felt this way had I watched Toy Story 3 as a kid. For whatever reason, I have more of an emotional attachment to the toys now than I would have had when I was younger.

I owned a piggy bank. I owned a Mr. Potato Head. I owned a dinosaur toy. And I treated them all terribly. I didn't so much play with them as I tortured them. I threw them down the stairs, kicked them around, called them names.

That wasn't even the worst of it. I popped off He-Man's head. His arms, too. Tried to force them onto Skeletor's body. This is how I treated the most powerful man in the universe.

Who knows what my toys were saying behind my back whenever I left my bedroom. They probably would've jumped into an incinerator had they had the chance. I was like a real-life Lotso.

Not once did I regret the way I treated my toys. And I didn't cry when my parents gave them away. But when I watched Andy in Toy Story 3 say goodbye to his toys and hand them over to a little girl, my eyes welled up and I overreacted more than Taylor Swift whenever she's announced as a winner at an awards show.

As a kid, I rarely cried while watching a movie. To be honest, there were only three pop culture-related moments during the 1980s and 1990s that made me cry: 1) The first time I watched a horror film; 2) The scene in Jerry Maguire in which Tom Cruise tells Renee Zellweger, "You complete me"; and 3) the post-match segment during WrestleMania VII in which the "Macho Man" Randy Savage reunited with Miss Elizabeth after being estranged from one another for two years.

Nowadays, it doesn't take much to get the waterworks flowing. Toy Story 3 is one example. Million Dollar Baby is another. Though it won the best-picture Oscar in 2005, I never got around to watching it until recently. Prior to renting it, I thought I had a firm grasp of what the plot would be. I thought it would be the female version of Rocky; Hilary Swank rising through the boxing ranks to become a beloved boxing champion.

So imagine my surprise when she was sucker punched, fell on a stool and was paralyzed. Didn't see that coming at all. I cried throughout the rest of the movie. That scene scarred me so much that I refuse to watch The Next Karate Kid, the only Karate Kid movie I haven't seen. I don't want to risk the possibility of witnessing Mr. Miyagi pull the plug on Hilary Swank.

I'm proud to say that I did not cry when I watched the animated movie Up. A lot of people told me I would during the film's first 10 minutes, which essentially spoiled the beginning for me. Since I knew beforehand that there would be some sort of emotional element to the initial scenes of the movie, I was unmoved when the old man's wife died. It was a much different sensation than when I watched Toy Story 3.

Perhaps if she'd died after being trapped on a conveyor belt leading to an incinerator, I would've felt differently.

The Relationship Jinx

I'm a firm believer in the jinx. And not the game of jinx, i.e., I yell "Jinx!" after you said the same word I said at the same time, and therefore you cannot speak again until you buy me a soda. Or the Sports Illustrated jinx. Or the dreaded game of Sports Illustrated jinx, in which I yell "Jinx!" after you read out loud a headline on a Sports Illustrated cover at the same time I did, and you suffer a terrible injury from which you cannot recover until you buy me a soda.

No, I believe in the relationship jinx. In a nutshell, I don't like to discuss my romantic life. With anyone. Ever.

When I'm dating a woman, and the relationship is going really well, I'm happy. And I want to remain happy. And I can't shake the nagging feeling that if I openly express to my friends that I'm in a relationship and am happy, I will jinx it all. The relationship will end, and I will be unhappy.

I know this sounds paranoid, but I'm drawing from past experience. For example, a few years ago I had a girlfriend I was really smitten with. I thought she was "the one." I told anyone who would listen she was "the one." It turned out she really was "the one." She was "the one" to break things off, she was "the one" to move on with her life, she was "the one" who married and started a family. She's a jerk, she should've just stayed with me.

If there ever comes a time when I decide to propose to a woman, I absolutely will not tell anyone about my plans beforehand. I'm going to keep the proposal to myself, and no one's going to know about it except for the 20 thousand fans in attendance who will be watching it live on the big screen.

I've actually reversed jinxed a friend. It was a complete accident. Here's my explanation: When someone asks me, "Guess what?" I assume one of two things: the person is either engaged or expecting. At my age, there's really no other answer that demands such a dramatic buildup. Aside from the time a few months ago when I discovered The Wonder Years airs on cable TV at 3 a.m. I gave an enthusiastic "Guess what?" to anyone who would listen for the next five days.

So the friend, who'd been in a serious relationship for a while, said to me, "Guess what?" And I exclaimed, "Congratulations!" Confused, he asked, "Why are you congratulating me?" I replied, "You're engaged, right? You popped the question." He said, "No!"

Not even a week later, his relationship ended. The relationship jinx struck again. He refused to speak with me for days. Until I bought him a soda.

May I Throw Out Your Wedding Invitation, Please?

Hello, my happily married friends. I haven't spoken to many of you since your wedding, so I thought I'd check in and say hello. How are you and your spouse? Are you both well? And how is your newborn child? Is parenthood everything you'd hoped it would be?

Good.

I need to ask you a question. See, I have a small problem. My apartment is an absolute mess. In particular, I have a lot of clutter on my kitchen table. There are piles and piles of papers and cards on there. Lot of old mail, notes to myself...you know, things like that.

I'm not even sure why I hold on to these papers and cards. I have no use for them. They've long since outlived their usefulness. I don't think I need them anymore, to be honest. I should probably shred them or throw them out or something. What do you think? Should I toss them? I should toss them, shouldn't I?

You're right. I should get rid of all of the papers and cards on the table. Why keep them there? They don't need to be there. So, since we're in agreement that I should throw out the papers and cards, let me ask you one more question.

May I throw out your wedding invitation, please?

I feel guilty asking you this, because your wedding was such a special moment. But it was a long time ago...what was it, one year, two years ago? I don't need to save the invitation since the event already took place, right?

I know you put so much effort into designing the invitation. The ribbon on the front was lovely. The calligraphy was beautiful. I was so honored to receive your "request" for my "presence" as you "celebrated" your "love" with your then-fiance/fiancee. In fact, I recall you were so excited to announce the details of your wedding that, for the first time, you revealed your middle name to me, inside the card. What a memorable moment that was in our friendship.

But now that you've celebrated your love and you had your fun, I request your permission to throw out your invitation.

Your wedding invitation, I should emphasize, was the perfect way to follow up on your creative save-the-date card/magnet/pencil/bookmark/photo/sticker/thing. Those of you who sent magnets, you can be sure that I still have them displayed prominently on the front door of my refrigerator. Whenever I'm in the mood for orange juice and I walk towards the fridge, I'm reminded of the day you were married. And also the phone number for Piazza's Pizzas and Wings, since their magnet is right next to yours.

Since I brought it up...do you mind if I throw out your magnet, too? I don't need to remember the date anymore, do I? You'll eventually write something about your anniversary on Facebook, won't you?

Oh, by the way, I haven't had the chance to thank you for your sweet "thank you" card you sent me after you received my wedding gift. I'm not sure why you needed four cupcake and muffin pans, but I was more than happy to supply them to you. Did you hold a bake sale to raise money to buy a home? In any event, I'm glad you're putting them to good use.

And thank you also for the "thank you" card you sent me after I bought you another present following the birth of your child. It was so cute how your son/daughter insisted that he/she sign the card. I wasn't expecting the card to be signed by you, your spouse, and your newborn child. He/She is, what, three months, four months old? Where did he/she learn to express himself/herself so clearly, and with such poignancy? I bet he/she reminded you to send me the card, didn't he/she? He/she said, "Hey, did you remember to thank Shane for the blanket/diapers/jar warmer/something-or-other he sent us? Don't forget!"

I accept your "thank you." You're welcome. Would it be alright with you if I put your "thank you" cards in the trash, too? I thank you in advance for your cooperation on this.

Again, thanks for hearing me out. I wanted to run all this by you and explain myself so you'll understand and won't be offended in case you ever ask me what I did with your cards.

We can talk about what to do with all of the birthday cards you've given me at another time.

Justin Timberlake, And Why He Should Be A Chipmunk

I just watched the Smurfs movie on DVD. I was a fan of the Smurfs as a child, so naturally I was curious how the characters would translate in a film. But I was adamant about waiting until the movie was released on DVD before watching it. It is very awkward to sit in a theater and watch a kids movie when you do not have any kids yourself. I learned this lesson in 2003, when, at the age of 23, I dragged my friend to a screening of Looney Tunes: Back in Action and we were the only two non-parents in the theater who could legally drive a car.

And this was three years after I dragged my cousins to a screening of The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle. Fortunately, there were no kids in the theater that time. There weren't any adults in the theater, either.

I watched the Smurfs movie, and I rather enjoyed it, with one caveat. I'm a 1980s cartoon buff, so whenever I find out that a film based on an animated series from that decade is in development, I instantly begin to brainstorm which actors should play the main characters. My casting choices are never in sync with Hollywood's; I thought Michael Richards should have played Inspector Gadget instead of Matthew Broderick, Judge Reinhold should have played Jon Arbuckle in Garfield instead of Breckin Meyer, Samuel L. Jackson or Ving Rhames should have played Michael Jordan in Space Jam instead of Michael Jordan, and so on. It's not that the actors who did appear in those films did a poor job; it's just that I had a certain vision in my head for the films, and I felt let down.

With The Smurfs, I really wanted to see Eugene Levy as Gargamel, for one reason and one reason only: He has bushy eyebrows. That alone made him perfect for the role. But Hollywood chose Hank Azaria, who actually nailed down the cartoon Gargamel voice pretty well. But I had already made up my mind that I wanted Levy as Gargamel. Accept no substitutes.

I could never watch the Alvin and the Chipmunks films, no matter how cute the titles are. (The titles of the three movies are, in order, Alvin and the Chipmunks, Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel, and Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked. Yes, yes, they're chipmunks. We get it already. Enough with the puns.) Justin Long has voiced Alvin in all of the Chipmunks films, and it disappoints me. Again, this is not an indictment on Long's performance. I just had someone else in mind for the character. Someone who is perfect for the role in the way Mickey Rourke was perfect for The Wrestler.

Alvin should have been voiced by Justin Timberlake.

The similarities between the two are striking. They have so much in common that, from my perspective, Justin is the real-life Alvin. Let's examine the evidence:

Alvin and Justin are in all-male pop groups. Alvin is the unquestioned leader of Alvin and the Chipmunks. Justin Timberlake isn't in a pop group now, but he was the standout singer of 'NSYNC before he broke free, released a couple of solo albums and became an even bigger star.

Alvin and the Chipmunks have been together for over 50 years. There's no logical explanation as to why Alvin hasn't gone solo himself yet. I'm confident that day will come, and when it does, he will record a high-pitched cover of "SexyBack" and host a few episodes of Saturday Night Live.

The Chipettes will eventually break up, too, because clearly Brittany is the Beyonce of that group and has been held down by Jeanette and Eleanor for too long. This leads me to my second point:

Alvin and Justin are/were friends with a Brittany/Britney. In the 1980s cartoon, Alvin was close to Brittany. I can't remember whether they actually dated. It would've made sense; I mean, there were only two other female chipmunks for Alvin to choose from, and both were very friendly with Simon and Theodore.

Justin was linked to a female pop star named Britney, too, though she spells her name differently. Now he dates a Jessica. What would push this analogy even further is if Alvin ditched Brittany and got with Jessica Rabbit. She's already shown an affinity for quirky forest animals.

Alvin and Justin both make bad films. I've already alluded to the fact that I haven't seen any of the Alvin and the Chipmunks films, but of the three that have been released so far, the highest rating any of them have received on Rotten Tomatoes' Tomatometer is 26 percent. The critics don't like the movies, at the least.

Justin was in The Love Guru, Southland Tales and Yogi Bear. I know what you're thinking: He was also in The Social Network, an Oscar-winning film. And he had Oscar buzz for his performance.

I have two arguments in response: 1) You know how I feel about Oscar buzz, and 2) Justin did an excellent job in The Social Network...of playing himself. His character was rich at a young age, confident, an extrovert and a ladies' man, and he sounded exactly like Justin Timberlake. In other words, everything Justin Timberlake is in real life. (And that's not to disparage Justin's performance, either. He was fine. Just like Michael Jordan was fine in Space Jam. It's just that Samuel L. Jackson or Ving Rhames should've played Jordan in Space Jam.)

With all due respect to Justin Long, the role of Alvin should go to my Justin in the next Chipmunks film. You know, Alvin and the Chipmunks: Roadchip.

Hosting "Saturday Night Live": Part I

Are you ever too old to have a dream job? I often wonder, especially when someone asks me what I want to be doing with my life. It's such an awkward question to be asked at my age (30). Whatever it is I want to be doing with my life, I should be doing it by now, right? Time's a wastin'.

I still have another five years before I can conceivably pursue one of my two childhood dreams -- become the president of the United States. But it's unlikely that I'll achieve my other childhood dream -- become an astronaut -- in the coming years since NASA's space shuttle program was shut down over the summer. Too bad. I'll never know what it would be like to be the first sitting president to travel to the moon.

These are just childhood dreams. They don't mean much to me now. We typically abandon our childhood dreams after our childhood ends. We create new goals for ourselves. I'm no exception. I have one adulthood dream now. I want to host an awards show or an episode of Saturday Night Live.

The reasons are simple: It looks like fun, and the idea of entertaining millions of viewers and, in the case of an awards show, a roomful of celebrities really appeals to me. There's one small problem, though: I'm not a celebrity myself. I don't act. I don't sing. I don't dance. I don't have much talent to speak of. Those are quite a few small problems, actually.

I don't know what my odds would be of hosting either an awards show or SNL. The odds are very long in each case, of course. I assume it's more "realistic" that I would host SNL, since there are 20+ new episodes per year, versus three or four major awards shows per year.

I still think I'd have a lot to offer as host of Saturday Night Live. I'm personable. I'm witty. I'm easygoing. I'm all the things I say I am in my online dating profile.

To prove it, I've written an SNL monologue for myself, which you can read below. This is the first in a series of occasional blog entries in which I'll post transcripts of sketches I'll have written for myself, in the event I'm given the opportunity to host SNL one day. Lorne Michaels, I hope you're paying attention.

Enjoy!

Don Pardo: "Ladies and gentlemen, Shane!"

(I walk onto the stage to meet the applauding crowd.)

Shane: Thank you, thank you very much. Wow! (Crowd hollers in approval.) Please hold your applause until the end. That's when I'll need it the most. (Crowd laughs.) It is such an honor to be hosting Saturday Night Live. This is an absolute dream come true for me. I know some of you are wondering, Who is this guy? Where have I seen him before? Is he that guy who wears those glasses on The Big Bang Theory? (Crowd laughs.)

No, the truth is, you've never seen me before. I'm not a celebrity. You probably know the story -- Lorne Michaels stumbled upon my comedy blog, "I'm Having a Laugh," liked what he saw, and decided to take a chance on me. Highly unusual, I know. I have no professional experience in acting or comedy. But neither did Justin Timberlake, and he did well for himself. (Crowd laughs, with one man in the back yelling, "Woooo!") Just kidding, Justin. I hope that joke didn't upset Andy Samberg too much. (Light laughter from the crowd.)

I admit, I'm a little nervous to be standing up here, but I am confident that I can handle being the host of SNL and can put on a good show for you guys.

(Alec Baldwin walks onto the stage and the crowd cheers wildly.)

Shane: Wow! Alec Baldwin! What are you doing here?

Baldwin: Well, I've hosted the show more than any other celebrity, and I wanted to wish you the best of luck, Shane. I know you're going to do a great job. Just know that I'm here for you.

Shane: Thanks Alec, that really means a lot to me.

Baldwin: Also know that Lorne brought me here to step in as host in case things don't work out. (Crowd laughs.)

Shane: What?

Baldwin: No, no, don't worry. I'm just an insurance policy. If you stumble over a few words, or you miss your cue, I'll be waiting in the wings. (Crowd laughs.)

Shane: That's reassuring, I guess.

(Steve Martin walks onto the stage. Crowd again cheers wildly.)

Shane: Steve Martin?

Martin: Shane, I join Alec in wishing you all the best for tonight.

Shane: OK, thanks.

Martin: And also, I'm an alternate host. (Crowd laughs.)

Shane: Alternate host?

Martin: Yeah, whenever you screw up, I'll be ready. (Crowd laughs.)

Baldwin: That's what I'm here for, Steve.

Martin: You've hosted plenty of times, Alec. It's time for someone else to have a chance. Someone like me.

Baldwin: I don't think so, Steve. I've hosted SNL more than anyone else, including you. Lorne trusts me.

Martin: You know that record should be mine. You know it! (Crowd laughs loudly.)

Shane: Guys, guys, take it easy. Neither of you are hosting tonight. This is my show tonight. It's my show!

(Crowd cheers as Michael Cera walks onto the stage.)

Shane: Michael Cera? Now I know you've never hosted the show. Why are you here?

Cera: Well, Lorne called me and said he was having second thoughts about having you host the show. He wasn't sure if he could count on Alec or Steve either, so...here I am. (Crowd laughs.)

Baldwin: Scram kid, I'm in charge.

Martin: Alec, get out of my way, I'm hosting.

Cera: I'd like to host, please, if it's not too much trouble. (Crowd laughs loudly.)

Shane: I think I'll host the show while you three figure this out backstage. We've got a great show for you tonight. Cobra Starship is here! (Crowd cheers wildly.) So stick around, we'll be right back!

A Superhero Lockout

Thank you for tuning into Gotham Live, I'm Summer Gleeson. We will soon take you live to city hall, where Commissioner Gordon is expected to address the ongoing labor negotiations between the Justice League and its superheroes.

It's widely expected that Commissioner Gordon will announce a lockout of the superheroes after last-minute talks reportedly failed to produce a new collective bargaining agreement. A prolonged lockout would mean that the 2011 season could be cancelled. Can one of crime-fighting's most popular leagues afford to alienate its fans? That question will continue to linger well after today's press conference.

Commissioner Gordon has just taken the podium. Let's take you there now live.

Commissioner Gordon: "As you know, the League and its superheroes have been engaged in intense talks to ensure that the 2011 crime-fighting season is not disrupted. This was our top priority ever since the most recent collective bargaining agreement between the heroes and the League expired earlier this year. However, with both sides still far apart on a number of key issues, we were left with no choice but to lock out the heroes until a new agreement can be reached.

"While the League is run primarily by the heroes, the average fan may not realize that officials such as myself are responsible for the day-to-day operations of the League. Therefore, it is incumbent upon us to make sure we have a labor deal in place that will ensure the viability of the League for years to come.

"Until the lockout is resolved, the superheroes will be unable to meet at League facilities, and they must not have any contact with criminals.

"I'll now take your questions."

Reporter #1: "Any comment on the heroes' threat to file a class-action lawsuit in response to the lockout?"

Gordon: "It would be inappropriate for us to comment on any potential legal action brought by the heroes at this time. That's a road that we just don't want to go down, but unfortunately the heroes feel that's their only recourse. We are standing firm in our belief that a lockout is necessary."

Reporter #2: "What have been the major sticking points in the negotiations?"

Gordon: "As I stated earlier, both sides are far apart on a number of key issues. Officials have expressed great interest in expanding the crime-fighting season by two weeks. The superheroes have resisted, despite assurances that they will not be at greater risk of injury if their schedule is expanded. An extended season would provide more revenue for the League, including the heroes. And fans have made it clear that they want to see more crime-fighting. They can't get enough of it. It is our duty to give the fans what they want.

"We also seek an age minimum on talent drafted by the League. Sometimes the younger talent are just not prepared for the rigors of a crime-fighting season. We believe they are better served in the first few years of their career honing their skills in a developmental league, with an organization such as the Teen Titans."

Reporter #3: "What about TV revenue?"

Gordon: "Yes, we are also struggling to reach a compromise on the distribution of revenue from networks that air League programming, as well as other projects featuring our heroes. It's no secret that we've generated a lot of money with our TV and movie contracts. We've made every effort to spread the wealth with the heroes. They're looking for more than we can afford to give them. We need that revenue to support and build the League, as well as to reconstruct the buildings they destroy when fighting the criminals."

Reporter #4: "Would you consider steroid testing for the heroes?"

Gordon: "Oh, no, no. That's not necessary. Our heroes are clean, no question about that. They're not like professional athletes who are passed off as 'heroes.' This isn't baseball, you know." (Laughter erupts in the room)

Reporter #5: "Can the League risk cancelling a season, thus giving criminals free license to rule the cities?"

Gordon: "It's a risk we're willing to take. These issues are far too important to ignore. Again, we want to ensure that the League not only continues to provide quality crime-fighting, but also remains financially viable. If it means cancelling the season, then that's something we'll have to deal with."

Reporter #6: "Any concern that the heroes will jump to the competition?"

Gordon: "That certainly is a possibility, but there's an intense rivalry between our League and the competition. They are successful in what they do, but we believe we are the best at what we do. We're not really concerned with them. We are America's league."

Reporter #7: "Don't you think the heroes are making some good points? I mean, the officials are being entirely unfair with their demands and putting the citizens in danger, no?"

Gordon: "Please sit down, Clark Kent. Thank you everyone."

Epilogue: After a lockout that stretched through most of the summer, League officials and the superheroes reached a new 10-year collective bargaining agreement. The heroes made their way to training camp soon afterward and participated in exhibition crime-fighting sessions. Once the season began, their were immediately tested when the Joker robbed three banks. The fans didn't mind; they were just happy that crime-fighting had resumed.

The Next "Harry Potter"

Today marks the release of the eighth and final Harry Potter film, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2. And so ends one of the most successful movie franchises of all time.

It's a sad moment for a lot of fans, many of whom grew up watching the Harry Potter films since the first one debuted 10 years ago. I don't feel an emotional attachment to the series. I don't dislike Harry Potter. How could I? I've only seen one of the movies, and I've never read any of the books. I will concede that it bothers me that J.K. Rowling's books have encouraged a generation of children to read. When I was young, I would skip a book and watch the movie adaptation instead. It's just what you did back then. Nowadays, kids read a book and then watch the film it inspired. How sad.

Nevertheless, I feel it is important that this blog says farewell to perhaps the biggest pop culture phenomenon of my lifetime. Since I'm not capable of writing a fitting tribute to Harry Potter, I've invited a friend to sum up what the boy wizard means to him. I do believe you're familiar with his work. Ladies and gentlemen, Will Smith:

Yo, yo, yo! [Editor's note: Yes, I've never actually met Will Smith, but I've always assumed that if I were to have a conversation with him, he'd subconsciously slip into his Fresh Prince of Bel-Air character. I'll let you know if there are any other Fresh Prince references.]

Will Smith here. Shane asked me if I could say a few words about the conclusion of the Harry Potter series, and I couldn't be more delighted. I love the movies, and so do my youngest kids, Jaden and Willow. You know them: Jaden was the star of the blockbuster film The Karate Kid, and Willow likes to whip her hair back and forth.

I read the Harry Potter books to them when they were smaller. We're such big fans, and we know how bittersweet it is that the new movie is out, knowing that it's the last one.

It was the last one, I should say, until I came up with a brilliant idea. I haven't told anyone this, but this seems like the perfect opportunity to announce that I will be producing a remake of the original Harry Potter film. Starring as Harry Potter: my son Jaden! He's only 13, so he is more than capable of carrying a new Harry Potter series for the next decade. He was featured in my film The Pursuit of Happyness, I will co-star with him in an upcoming M. Night Shyamalan movie, and I produced him in The Karate Kid, so I can tell you he has acting talent that is second to none for someone his age. He also appeared in The Day the Earth Stood Still, so his track record with movie remakes speaks for itself.

Joining Jaden in the new Harry Potter movie will be...I Am Legend star Willow Smith! She'll play Hermione. It'll be the perfect way for her to follow up on her role in the proposed Annie reboot I'd produce that could feature music from Jay-Z. (Carlton will make a cameo, dancing to a song that samples Tom Jones' "It's Not Unusual"!) [Editor's note: This is a Fresh Prince reference.] So I may ask Jay-Z to do the music for Harry Potter, too. You know what I'm sayin'? Ya know? [Editor's note: Another Fresh Prince reference.]

We'll probably eliminate the role of Ron. It doesn't seem necessary. Jaden as Harry Potter and Willow as Hermione should be powerful enough.

Look for the first, new-and-improved Harry Potter movie to be released in 2014. After that, we'll begin work on the sequel, and maybe even a Star Wars remake that I've been thinking about doing. Jaden would be Luke Skywalker, Willow would be Princess Leia, and Uncle Phil would be Darth Vader. [Editor's note: Yet another Fresh Prince reference.]

So, Harry Potter fans, don't despair. There will be plenty more Harry Potter movies in the years to come. Ya feel me? (Will slaps another person's hand, whips his head back and says, "Psssshhh.") [Editor's note: Yep.]