To Say This Blog Is Funny Is One Of The Bigger Understatements Of The Year

I often hear the phrase, "To say that [insert understatement here] is one of the bigger understatements of the year." I'll make up an example: "To say that Avatar is a successful movie is one of the bigger understatements of the year." Or, "To say that LeBron James might've made a mistake by announcing on national TV his decision to leave Cleveland for Miami is one of the bigger understatements of the year." Or, "To say that you'll be making a mistake if you do not purchase Shane's next book is one of the bigger understatements of the year."

So my question to you is this: What is the biggest understatement of the year? Will an announcement of some kind be made on December 31st? I hope so. To say that I want to know about the biggest understatement of the year is one of the bigger understatements of the year.

It's An Honor Just To Be Nominated

When I'm bored, I Google words at random. The other day, I Googled "Quiznos" and spent the next 20 minutes clicking on the results. Like I said, I was bored. And probably hungry, too.

In my research, I discovered an "award-winning Quiznos" in Anaheim, California. I'm not sure how awards are presented within the fast food industry, but I can only assume that an over-the-top ceremony was held in Hollywood at some point. How did I miss this on TV? Which award did Quiznos win? Best performance by a chicken in a leading sandwich?

Who hosted the ceremony? Who presented? Who walked the red carpet? Was there an "in memoriam" segment for the leftover vegetables that expired in the last year? Which fast food executives hooked up at the official after-party?

How did Us Weekly not cover this?

I'm 99.99 Percent Sure This Post Will Make You Smile

I was shopping at my local drugstore yesterday when I noticed a bottle of hand sanitizer available for sale by the cash register. The label on the bottle claimed the sanitizer kills 99.99 percent of all germs. I'm not sure how the manufacturer came to this conclusion. I assume it developed some sort of mathematical formula that I'm not privy to. Whatever the case may be, it's very confident that its product can effectively combat virtually every germ on this planet, except for maybe one or two that shall remain nameless.

Most hand sanitizers I've seen in stores kill 99.99 percent of germs. Which is fantastic. I'm happy that I can buy any number of sanitizers that will keep my hands clean, for the most part. I'll tell you what I could really use, though. A hand sanitizer that kills 00.01 percent of germs. The percent that's not covered by the other sanitizers. I'm afraid of those germs. They have to be pretty strong if they're resistant to all of the sanitizers currently on the market. Those are the germs that I need the most protection from.

A Pos't Regarding "Punk'd"

I was recently watching a clip of the comedy The Other Guys in which Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg's characters, both detectives, were fumbling an arrest. Exasperated, the suspect said, "Am I being Punk'd?"

It occurred to me that this is a commonly-used phrase, in one form or another. Google News shows at least 10 instances this month alone of someone either asking if they were being Punk'd or saying they thought they had been Punk'd.

Let me clear up the confusion. Chances are slim that anyone has been Punk'd in the last three years. How do I know this? Because the show went off the air in 2007. Ashton Kutcher stopped pulling pranks a long time ago. And when he did play tricks on others, the victims were usually celebrities.

So breathe a big sigh of relief. No one is in danger of being Punk'd.

Riding The Subway -- Fun!

New York City has a wonderful public transit system. If you've never been to the Big Apple, the city has several convenient subway lines, which you can ride by purchasing a MetroCard. You can choose to pay per ride, or you can obtain an unlimited ride MetroCard. I highly recommend the 1-Day Fun Pass. It is SO MUCH FUN!

The 1-Day Fun Pass allows you unlimited subway rides until three in the morning the following day. That means you can ride the subway as many times as you like for hours and hours. It's really fun! If you've never stood on a steamy subway platform for several minutes, waiting for the next train to pull in, you're in for a real treat! And when you step onto a bustling subway car and some guy with a guitar is moved to drown out your iPod with a song he wrote five minutes earlier, it's fantastic!

The 1-Day Fun Pass...fun!

Smile When You're Shaving

I mentioned before how confused I was by the "Teach Your Baby To Read" commercials I often see on TV. Well, I'm now puzzled by another set of ads. There are several commercials for electric shavers, and while the brands and functions may vary, they all seem to include a scene with a man staring into the mirror, caressing his cheeks and chin, and smiling widely, proud of himself after a nice, clean shave.

What is this guy so happy about? All he did was shave. It's not a rare skill. In fact, virtually every man on the planet shaves every day. And I can't speak for all of them, but I'm never happy when I'm shaving. It's an annoying chore. Any activity that can lead to bleeding can't be all that fun.

I have one more bone to pick with these commercials: I've never, ever had a woman put her arms around me in the bathroom after I've shaved because she's so darn happy that I have a smooth face. Seriously, who out there is in this kind of relationship? I mean, I've never hugged a girl because she shaved her legs. But then, I've never seen a woman stare at her legs in the mirror after she's shaved them, either.

Pick Up The Phone And Call A Senior Citizen Today

I've been researching the smartphone market as of late. Currently, I own a basic cell phone, and quite frankly, my hand feels naked without a phone that allows me to surf the Internet, listen to music and play games whenever I'm walking on the street. So I may buy a smartphone in the near future.

I find it odd that the phone companies I looked into offer a limited plan specifically for senior citizens. I didn't realize that a person begins to lose interest in making phone calls once they turn 65. Either that, or the phone companies somehow came to the conclusion that no one wants to talk to a senior citizen. "They don't need the minutes. Who's going to call an old guy anyway? He'd just tell boring old stories and fall asleep in the middle of the conversation." It's not like he won't have the ability to tell his stories on his phone; he'll just have to save minutes by sending really long text messages.