Monday, July 7, 2014

The Joy Of Spilling Drinks On Your Pants

I was searching through my closet, in need of a nice pair of pants to wear to a wedding, when I discovered khakis that I'd never noticed before. They rested on a hanger, 18 inches away from the nearest item on the rack. They were hemmed and neatly pressed.

"Where did these khakis come from?" I asked myself. "No time for questions now," I replied. I was in a hurry. I removed them from the hanger and tried them on. They were a relaxed fit. They were clean. And they matched my dress shirt. I immediately ended my search for wedding pants. I had a winner.

I left my home and settled into my car for the 45-minute drive to the wedding. As I navigated the roads, I again wondered how I came into possession of the comfortable khakis I was wearing. Were they a hand-me-down? Not likely. They appeared to be new. Maybe I'd purchased them, stored them and neglected them until they'd fallen out of memory? Hmmm...not impossible, but there were no tags on the inside. "Maybe these are magical pants," I laughed to myself.

The pants had the last laugh, though. They were magical.

The pants were magical in the sense that they contained a power I could not explain -- a power that revealed itself to me at the wedding reception, as I was exchanging pleasantries with a fellow guest at my table. As he explained to me how he knew the bride and groom, I spilled a little bit of water from my glass on my khakis. "Dang it!" I muttered. I assumed the water had left a spot on my pants.

Only, it hadn't. I looked down and noticed a small pool of water simply hovering on top of my khakis. My tablemate continued the conversation -- I don't think he saw the spill -- but I stopped paying attention to him. I just stared at the water on my pants for another 30 seconds. I then swatted it away, as if it were an annoying insect. It landed on the floor and dissipated, without ever having left a mark on my pants.

Perhaps it was a fluke. As my new friend chattered on, I slowly lifted my glass and "accidentally" leaked some more water on my pants. Same result. "Amazing," I thought.

"Excuse me for just one moment," I said to my tablemate. I walked toward the bartender. I had to run additional tests on my pants. "Can I have a Pepsi, please?"

I returned to my table with cola in hand. My conversation partner had wandered off, which is just as well, because I'd found a new way to keep myself occupied. I splashed some of the Pepsi on my pants. It streamed down my leg, like a river of soda. Remarkable.

Following another trip to the bartender, I poured ginger ale. No stains on the pants. Dr. Pepper. Still clean. The purple stuff. Spotless.

Off in the distance, a woman clinked her glass. It was the maid of honor; she had a toast to make. Immediately, I raised my glass of apple cider (I don't drink alcohol). I did not hear a word she said. My mind was fixated solely on dousing my pants with cider. As soon as she ended her spiel, I overturned the glass. Discreetly, of course. My pants were still dry!

The night was truly one to remember.

Several of my friends have informed me that when I eventually have my own wedding, I won't have time to eat food or drink soda or cider because I will be too busy entertaining my guests. But I vow to make sure that doesn't happen. I will eat, drink and be merry. Check that: I will eat, spill drinks and be merry.
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Monday, June 30, 2014

Tiny Bits of Nonsense: June 2014

Here is the June 2014 edition of "Tiny Bits of Nonsense," featuring 10 of my tweets from the past 30 days:









Other bits of nonsense:
May 2014
April 2014
March 2014
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Tuesday, May 27, 2014

Tiny Bits of Nonsense: May 2014

Here is the May 2014 edition of "Tiny Bits of Nonsense," featuring 10 of my tweets from the past four weeks:









Other bits of nonsense:
April 2014
March 2014
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Thursday, May 22, 2014

A Sneak Peek At My New TV Shows For The Fall Season

The 2013-2014 TV season ended last night. Already, I feel a void in my life. I find it hard to accept the fact that I'll have to wait four long months until my favorite shows return with new episodes. What am I supposed to do until then? Watch summer programming? How can I be expected to survive on a steady diet of Big Brother, America's Got Talent and I Wanna Marry "Harry"?

I can assure you the fall season holds much more promise (and not only because TV's most popular series will be back). Why do I say this? Because I created several of the exciting new programs you'll see on your screens later this year.

All of the major broadcast networks -- and a few other outlets, too -- have greenlit series that I will executive produce and star in. And I'm not even in the TV business! Obviously, I'm very excited, and I'm hoping to reward their faith in me.

I'm a firm believer in an oft-repeated writer's cliché, "Write what you know." That's reflected in the posts I've written for this blog, I think. I used the same approach for my upcoming TV projects. Nearly all of them are loosely based on my own life, including my experiences at home, at work and in social settings. I came up with a great concept for Howie Mandel, too.

The exact premiere dates have yet to be determined. For now, here are the official descriptions:

"Persian of Interest" (ABC)
Shane has a successful career, close friends and a nice apartment in the city that never sleeps, New York City. So what's missing in his life? Ask his Persian family, who is impatiently waiting for him to find a wife, move to Westchester and become a father. Shane struggles to balance the expectations of his loved ones with his own happiness in this hilarious new comedy.

The cast includes Shane ("I'm Having a Laugh"), Nasim Pedrad ("Saturday Night Live"), Catherine Bell ("JAG," "Army Wives"), Sarah Shahi ("Chicago Fire"), Maz Jobrani ("Better Off Ted"), Reza ("Shahs of Sunset") and Yu Darvish (Texas Rangers).

"How I Met The Woman Who Rejected Me And Later Became Your Mother" (CBS)
Shane has had his heart broken many, many times. Each week, through a series of flashbacks, he'll narrate a new story of how he met a nice woman, had several fun outings with her, developed strong emotional feelings for her, fantasized about spending the rest of his life with her, and never heard from her again.

The cast includes Shane (@myemptythoughts), Josh Radnor ("How I Met Your Mother"), Greta Gerwig ("Frances Ha") and Dave Coulier ("Full House") as the narrator.

"Nonsense For Nothing" (NBC)
"Nonsense For Nothing" is a multi-camera ensemble comedy based on the best-selling book of the same name. Shane is a young comic on the rise, hoping for his big break. In the meantime, he has to put up with the ups and downs of life along with his tightly-wound roommate, his quirky next-door neighbor and his stern landlord. Expect lots of pop culture references, lots of empty thoughts...and plenty of laughs.

The cast includes Shane ("Nonsense For Nothing"), Christopher Mintz-Plasse ("Superbad"), Alison Brie ("Community") and Daniel Day-Lewis ("There Will Be Blood," "Lincoln").

"America's Next Top Shane" (The CW)
Eight men and eight women live under the same roof as they compete for the title of "America's Next Top Shane." They will be mentored by real-life celebrity Shanes and face difficult challenges in the worlds of acting, modeling, blogging, tweeting, sports and more. The panel of judges and mentors include Shane ("Persian of Interest"), Shane West ("A Walk To Remember"), Shane Battier (Miami Heat), Shane Victorino (Boston Red Sox) and Alan Ladd, Jr. (son of "Shane" star Alan Ladd).

"Shane's Family Home Videos" (Netflix)
All 18 seasons of the groundbreaking docu-series will be released for the first time in its complete, unedited form, and in high definition. Relive the moments that defined Shane's childhood and shaped him into the man he's become today. His first steps. His first birthday party. His first day of school. His second day of school. His third day of school. His fourth day of school. His elementary school graduation. His middle school graduation. His junior prom. His senior prom. His high school graduation. And much, much, much more. Includes brand-new commentary from Shane; his family; his best friend in second grade, Rich; and others close to him.

"The Untitled Shane Project" (Fox)
Plot: TBD. This project is really just a scheme hatched by Shane to meet his celebrity crush, Zooey Deschanel of the Fox series New Girl.

"Pranking Howie Mandel" (TBS)
"Howie Do It." "Mobbed." "Deal With It." Howie Mandel has had an unhealthy obsession with hidden-camera shows in recent years. The tables will be turned on Mandel in "Pranking Howie Mandel." Throughout the season, Shane will prank the legendary comedian and TV host in increasingly annoying ways, until Mandel agrees to never host another hidden-camera show again.
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Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Tiny Bits of Nonsense: April 2014

Here is the April 2014 edition of "Tiny Bits of Nonsense," featuring 10 of my tweets from the past 30 days:









 
In case you missed it, the first edition of "Tiny Bits of Nonsense" was published in March 2014.
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Monday, March 31, 2014

Tiny Bits of Nonsense: March 2014

In my humor book Nonsense for Nothing (which remains free on iTunes), I included a collection of random thoughts that I titled "Tiny Bits of Nonsense." It was drawn from my Twitter feed, which I consider to be a 140-character version of this blog: a lot of pop culture references, with the occasional inane observation tossed in for good measure.

Two and a half years after publishing Nonsense for Nothing, I've decided to resurrect "Tiny Bits of Nonsense" on this blog as a recurring series. At the end of each month, I will highlight 10 tweets from my feed that I hope will make you smile.

Below, you'll find select tweets that I posted in March. If you like what you read, feel free to follow me on Twitter at @myemptythoughts.

Thanks for your support!


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Thursday, February 6, 2014

A Look Back At My Disappointing Facebook Movie

Last night, I watched my Facebook movie, A Look Back, for the first time. I was really excited for it. Facebook was celebrating its 10th anniversary by premiering a one-minute film on the life of...me! What an honor.

I had strong expectations for A Look Back, for a couple of reasons. I had seen dozens of other Facebook films, shared by my friends, and all of them had high production values. The Arial font on the graphics, the pan and zoom effect on the photos, the beautifully composed classical music. The idea of reliving the highlights of my five-plus years on Facebook as a Cheers intro was very appealing to me.

I also knew A Look Back would have a more original plot than the movies I'd watched. If I may be completely honest with you, my friends' lives are rather uninspiring. This was reflected in their films, which all followed the same basic, predictable outline: They joined Facebook, married their husband or wife, had a baby, went on vacation with the baby, had another baby, had their babies pose with their dog.

I was not married. I did not father a child. I did not own a dog. Finally, some fresh material that Facebook could work with! I couldn't wait to see what director Mark Zuckerberg and company would do with it.

So it was with much anticipation that I clicked the play button on A Look Back. The beginning had promise: a montage of photos I'd uploaded since I'd joined Facebook in 2008. Mainly pictures of myself as Simpsons characters and as Mad Men characters.

But then, the film took a depressing turn. In a scene titled "Your Most Liked Posts," I was shown a status update I posted in April 2013: "I look forward to the day when we won't have to send out thoughts and prayers for such senseless attacks." This was in reference to the Boston Marathon bombing. I appreciate the sentiment that I expressed at the time, but it was not one that I needed to be reminded of. I certainly wouldn't refer to it as a "highlight."

The next post featured in the film, from November 2013, read, "Thank you everyone for the birthday wishes! And once again, my sincerest apologies to my family for not being married yet." Ah, some comic relief. Well done, Mark.

The "Most Liked Posts" scene was followed by -- and I promise you I'm not exaggerating -- photos of a pedestrian light flashing a "walk" and "don't walk" signal at the same time, my face superimposed on Screech's body in the opening credits to Saved by the Bell, a couple of baseball stadiums I've visited, and a box of the Australian version of Rice Krispies, known as Rice Bubbles.

And then the film ended with Facebook's signature thumbs-up logo. Fin. More than five years on Facebook, and what do I have to show for it? Pop culture references and foreign cereal. How disappointing. 

My review of A Look Back: It is a brief glimpse inside a man whose life is utterly lacking. The script is flawed, filled with non sequiturs. To paraphrase Elaine Benes, it is like a big-budget movie with a story that goes noooowhere.

The heartfelt acknowledgment of a terrible tragedy is not enough to save A Look Back. I cannot recommend this film.
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