Monday, September 27, 2010

It's An Honor Just To Be Nominated

When I'm bored, I Google words at random. The other day, I Googled "Quiznos" and spent the next 20 minutes clicking on the results. Like I said, I was bored. And probably hungry, too.

In my research, I discovered an "award-winning Quiznos" in Anaheim, California. I'm not sure how awards are presented within the fast food industry, but I can only assume that an over-the-top ceremony was held in Hollywood at some point. How did I miss this on TV? Which award did Quiznos win? Best performance by a chicken in a leading sandwich?

Who hosted the ceremony? Who presented? Who walked the red carpet? Was there an "in memoriam" segment for the leftover vegetables that expired in the last year? Which fast food executives hooked up at the official after-party?

How did Us Weekly not cover this?

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

I'm 99.99 Percent Sure This Post Will Make You Smile

I was shopping at my local drugstore yesterday when I noticed a bottle of hand sanitizer available for sale by the cash register. The label on the bottle claimed the sanitizer kills 99.99 percent of all germs. I'm not sure how the manufacturer came to this conclusion. I assume it developed some sort of mathematical formula that I'm not privy to. Whatever the case may be, it's very confident that its product can effectively combat virtually every germ on this planet, except for maybe one or two that shall remain nameless.

Most hand sanitizers I've seen in stores kill 99.99 percent of germs. Which is fantastic. I'm happy that I can buy any number of sanitizers that will keep my hands clean, for the most part. I'll tell you what I could really use, though. A hand sanitizer that kills 00.01 percent of germs. The percent that's not covered by the other sanitizers. I'm afraid of those germs. They have to be pretty strong if they're resistant to all of the sanitizers currently on the market. Those are the germs that I need the most protection from.