Thursday, October 30, 2014

Tiny Bits of Nonsense: October 2014

Here is the October 2014 edition of "Tiny Bits of Nonsense," featuring 10 of my tweets for the month:

And, as a special treat, here are some Halloween-themed tweets:
Other bits of nonsense:
September 2014
August 2014
July 2014
June 2014
May 2014

April 2014
March 2014

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Movie Watching Without The Kids

I purchased a DVD copy of Frozen at Best Buy on March 18, 2014, the day it was released. I immediately brought it home, where it remained sealed in plastic, untouched, in a drawer.

I didn't want to watch it. Not yet. I was reserving that moment for a special day: the day when I could enjoy it with my children.

Frozen wasn't much on my radar when it opened in theaters nearly a year ago, on November 27, 2013. I thought it would be another in a series of fine Disney films that wouldn't affect my life in any sort of profound way. And it didn't -- not at first, anyway. It did affect my Facebook News Feed, though. So many of my friends wrote that they were taking their children to see Frozen for the first time, for a second time, a third time, even a fourth and fifth time. Their kids loved this movie.

The steady stream of Frozen posts continued for months, until the movie was released digitally in late February. And then the stream of posts turned into an avalanche of posts. My friends downloaded the film, watched it with their kids over and over again, and uploaded photos of themselves watching it with their kids over and over again. Frozen was bringing a lot of joy to a lot of families.

It started to tug at my heartstrings. I wanted Frozen to bring joy to my family, too. I wanted to watch Frozen over and over with my children. I wanted to root for Elsa and Anna with them. I wanted to laugh at Olaf's funny lines with them. I wanted to sing a tone-deaf version of "Let It Go" with them. That's why I bought Frozen on DVD as soon as it was in stock.

However, there was one small issue: I didn't have children. I'd purchased the DVD in anticipation of having children. I suppose I could've watched it with my girlfriend, but...I didn't have a girlfriend, either. So the DVD rested comfortably in my drawer.

As spring gave way to summer, and summer gave way to autumn, it became clear to me that I would not have a girlfriend or a child in my life in the near future. It also dawned on me that DVD players may not even exist by the time I do have a girlfriend or a child in my life. As I spent another day scrolling through Frozen posts on Facebook on Saturday, I decided the time was right to remove the DVD from my drawer, break its seal and discover the magic of Frozen for myself -- alone.

I loved the film. I was especially entertained by two characters. One was Prince Hans, who had the opportunity to save Anna's life by granting her a kiss to break the curse that threatened to turn her frozen solid, only to make one of the greatest heel turns since this:


The other was Olaf the snowman, a sharp-witted character who may be related somehow to Gabbo, the ventriloquist dummy who briefly forced the cancellation of Krusty the Clown's TV show. I mean, they're both animated, they both like to sing and they have similar teeth. For comparison's sake:


I do regret that I couldn't share the Frozen experience with children of my own and bond with them in that way, like so many of my Facebook friends have with their kids. In a perfect world, I'd like to become a parent before the next animated Disney film is released.

What is the next animated Disney film, anyway? Give me a second to look it up.

OK, it's titled Big Hero 6, and it opens in...two weeks. Argh!

Saturday, October 4, 2014

The Worst Time Of Year To Be A Pumpkin

Father: Son, why are you wearing a white bed sheet over your head?

Son: Because Halloween is almost here! I'm dressing as a ghost!

Father: Did you say "Halloween"?

Son: Yes, Halloween, October 31st!

Father: But how....

Son: I read a sign on the entrance to the farm, "Happy Halloween!" I had no idea what it meant, so I looked it up online. I can't believe I've been alive for one week and you didn't tell me there was a holiday for pumpkins! A holiday when I can wear a costume and accept free candy from strangers and eat it all in one night!

Father: Oh boy. I was hoping we wouldn't have to have this conversation until you were older. You better sit down for this.

Son: I am sitting down.

Father: Right. Sorry.

Son: Is something wrong, Dad?

Father: Son, there's no easy way to tell you this, but you won't be trick-or-treating. Halloween is not a holiday for pumpkins like us. The fact of the matter is, this is the worst time of year to be a pumpkin.

Son: Why?

Father: We are the most popular fruit of the fall season. Too popular.

Son: I don't understand.

Father: See, we live on this farm, right? With our family, our friends. Your friends.

Son: I love it here.

Father: So do I. But we can only live here until mid-October, at the latest.

Son: Will we be evicted?

Father: Worse: We will be picked. Humans will come here, by the hundreds. They will lift us, cuddle us, smother us with hugs and kisses, and take us to their homes.

Son: That doesn't sound too terrible.

Father: And they will eat us.

Son: What? But why?

Father: The honest answer: We are incredibly tasty. And versatile, too. We can be mixed or baked into virtually any kind of food you can think of. Bread, soup, cookies, pie, cider, and a whole lot more. You'd be horrified at the amount of pumpkin-flavored food Trader Joe's has stocked right now.

Son: But not all of us will be eaten, right?

Father: That is correct, son.

Son: Well, that's a relief.

Father: The rest of us will be carved.

Son: WHAT?!?!?

Father: Regrettably, humans enjoy carving faces into pumpkins for Halloween. They especially love putting smiles on those faces. Nice smiles, crooked smiles, jagged smiles. As if a pumpkin would have any reason to smile after being attacked by a knife.

Son: That's awful.

Father: I'm afraid that's not all. They'll also remove the top of our heads and scoop out all of our insides. The really mean humans place candles inside of us and rename us Jack. And they'll leave us outside their homes. In the middle of autumn! Like they don't know how windy it can get out there.

Son: I can't believe people would do this to us.

Father: Neither can I. It's sad. I'd cry, but I haven't had eyes carved into me yet.

Son: Halloween isn't at all what I thought it would be. It's a cruel, cruel holiday.

Father: It is. But you know what? I'd still rather be a pumpkin in October than a turkey in November or an evergreen tree in December. You don't want to know what happens to those guys later this year.

Friday, October 3, 2014

Tiny Bits of Nonsense: September 2014

Here is the September 2014 edition of "Tiny Bits of Nonsense," featuring 10 of my tweets for the month:
Other bits of nonsense:
August 2014
July 2014
June 2014
May 2014

April 2014
March 2014