Sunday, December 18, 2011

Justin Timberlake, And Why He Should Be A Chipmunk

I just watched the Smurfs movie on DVD. I was a fan of the Smurfs as a child, so naturally I was curious how the characters would translate in a film. But I was adamant about waiting until the movie was released on DVD before watching it. It is very awkward to sit in a theater and watch a kids movie when you do not have any kids yourself. I learned this lesson in 2003, when, at the age of 23, I dragged my friend to a screening of Looney Tunes: Back in Action and we were the only two non-parents in the theater who could legally drive a car.

And this was three years after I dragged my cousins to a screening of The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle. Fortunately, there were no kids in the theater that time. There weren't any adults in the theater, either.

I watched the Smurfs movie, and I rather enjoyed it, with one caveat. I'm a 1980s cartoon buff, so whenever I find out that a film based on an animated series from that decade is in development, I instantly begin to brainstorm which actors should play the main characters. My casting choices are never in sync with Hollywood's; I thought Michael Richards should have played Inspector Gadget instead of Matthew Broderick, Judge Reinhold should have played Jon Arbuckle in Garfield instead of Breckin Meyer, Samuel L. Jackson or Ving Rhames should have played Michael Jordan in Space Jam instead of Michael Jordan, and so on. It's not that the actors who did appear in those films did a poor job; it's just that I had a certain vision in my head for the films, and I felt let down.

With The Smurfs, I really wanted to see Eugene Levy as Gargamel, for one reason and one reason only: He has bushy eyebrows. That alone made him perfect for the role. But Hollywood chose Hank Azaria, who actually nailed down the cartoon Gargamel voice pretty well. But I had already made up my mind that I wanted Levy as Gargamel. Accept no substitutes.

I could never watch the Alvin and the Chipmunks films, no matter how cute the titles are. (The titles of the three movies are, in order, Alvin and the Chipmunks, Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel, and Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked. Yes, yes, they're chipmunks. We get it already. Enough with the puns.) Justin Long has voiced Alvin in all of the Chipmunks films, and it disappoints me. Again, this is not an indictment on Long's performance. I just had someone else in mind for the character. Someone who is perfect for the role in the way Mickey Rourke was perfect for The Wrestler.

Alvin should have been voiced by Justin Timberlake.

The similarities between the two are striking. They have so much in common that, from my perspective, Justin is the real-life Alvin. Let's examine the evidence:

Alvin and Justin are in all-male pop groups. Alvin is the unquestioned leader of Alvin and the Chipmunks. Justin Timberlake isn't in a pop group now, but he was the standout singer of 'NSYNC before he broke free, released a couple of solo albums and became an even bigger star.

Alvin and the Chipmunks have been together for over 50 years. There's no logical explanation as to why Alvin hasn't gone solo himself yet. I'm confident that day will come, and when it does, he will record a high-pitched cover of "SexyBack" and host a few episodes of Saturday Night Live.

The Chipettes will eventually break up, too, because clearly Brittany is the Beyonce of that group and has been held down by Jeanette and Eleanor for too long. This leads me to my second point:

Alvin and Justin are/were friends with a Brittany/Britney. In the 1980s cartoon, Alvin was close to Brittany. I can't remember whether they actually dated. It would've made sense; I mean, there were only two other female chipmunks for Alvin to choose from, and both were very friendly with Simon and Theodore.

Justin was linked to a female pop star named Britney, too, though she spells her name differently. Now he dates a Jessica. What would push this analogy even further is if Alvin ditched Brittany and got with Jessica Rabbit. She's already shown an affinity for quirky forest animals.

Alvin and Justin both make bad films. I've already alluded to the fact that I haven't seen any of the Alvin and the Chipmunks films, but of the three that have been released so far, the highest rating any of them have received on Rotten Tomatoes' Tomatometer is 26 percent. The critics don't like the movies, at the least.

Justin was in The Love Guru, Southland Tales and Yogi Bear. I know what you're thinking: He was also in The Social Network, an Oscar-winning film. And he had Oscar buzz for his performance.

I have two arguments in response: 1) You know how I feel about Oscar buzz, and 2) Justin did an excellent job in The Social Network...of playing himself. His character was rich at a young age, confident, an extrovert and a ladies' man, and he sounded exactly like Justin Timberlake. In other words, everything Justin Timberlake is in real life. (And that's not to disparage Justin's performance, either. He was fine. Just like Michael Jordan was fine in Space Jam. It's just that Samuel L. Jackson or Ving Rhames should've played Jordan in Space Jam.)

With all due respect to Justin Long, the role of Alvin should go to my Justin in the next Chipmunks film. You know, Alvin and the Chipmunks: Roadchip.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Hosting "Saturday Night Live": Part I

Are you ever too old to have a dream job? I often wonder, especially when someone asks me what I want to be doing with my life. It's such an awkward question to be asked at my age (30). Whatever it is I want to be doing with my life, I should be doing it by now, right? Time's a wastin'.

I still have another five years before I can conceivably pursue one of my two childhood dreams -- become the president of the United States. But it's unlikely that I'll achieve my other childhood dream -- become an astronaut -- in the coming years since NASA's space shuttle program was shut down over the summer. Too bad. I'll never know what it would be like to be the first sitting president to travel to the moon.

These are just childhood dreams. They don't mean much to me now. We typically abandon our childhood dreams after our childhood ends. We create new goals for ourselves. I'm no exception. I have one adulthood dream now. I want to host an awards show or an episode of Saturday Night Live.

The reasons are simple: It looks like fun, and the idea of entertaining millions of viewers and, in the case of an awards show, a roomful of celebrities really appeals to me. There's one small problem, though: I'm not a celebrity myself. I don't act. I don't sing. I don't dance. I don't have much talent to speak of. Those are quite a few small problems, actually.

I don't know what my odds would be of hosting either an awards show or SNL. The odds are very long in each case, of course. I assume it's more "realistic" that I would host SNL, since there are 20+ new episodes per year, versus three or four major awards shows per year.

I still think I'd have a lot to offer as host of Saturday Night Live. I'm personable. I'm witty. I'm easygoing. I'm all the things I say I am in my online dating profile.

To prove it, I've written an SNL monologue for myself, which you can read below. This is the first in a series of occasional blog entries in which I'll post transcripts of sketches I'll have written for myself, in the event I'm given the opportunity to host SNL one day. Lorne Michaels, I hope you're paying attention.

Enjoy!

Don Pardo: "Ladies and gentlemen, Shane!"

(I walk onto the stage to meet the applauding crowd.)

Shane:
Thank you, thank you very much. Wow! (Crowd hollers in approval.) Please hold your applause until the end. That's when I'll need it the most. (Crowd laughs.) It is such an honor to be hosting Saturday Night Live. This is an absolute dream come true for me. I know some of you are wondering, Who is this guy? Where have I seen him before? Is he that guy who wears those glasses on The Big Bang Theory? (Crowd laughs.)

No, the truth is, you've never seen me before. I'm not a celebrity. You probably know the story -- Lorne Michaels stumbled upon my comedy blog, "I'm Having a Laugh," liked what he saw, and decided to take a chance on me. Highly unusual, I know. I have no professional experience in acting or comedy. But neither did Justin Timberlake, and he did well for himself. (Crowd laughs, with one man in the back yelling, "Woooo!") Just kidding, Justin. I hope that joke didn't upset Andy Samberg too much. (Light laughter from the crowd.)

I admit, I'm a little nervous to be standing up here, but I am confident that I can handle being the host of SNL and can put on a good show for you guys.

(Alec Baldwin walks onto the stage and the crowd cheers wildly.)

Shane:
Wow! Alec Baldwin! What are you doing here?

Baldwin:
Well, I've hosted the show more than any other celebrity, and I wanted to wish you the best of luck, Shane. I know you're going to do a great job. Just know that I'm here for you.

Shane:
Thanks Alec, that really means a lot to me.

Baldwin:
Also know that Lorne brought me here to step in as host in case things don't work out. (Crowd laughs.)

Shane:
What?

Baldwin:
No, no, don't worry. I'm just an insurance policy. If you stumble over a few words, or you miss your cue, I'll be waiting in the wings. (Crowd laughs.)

Shane:
That's reassuring, I guess.

(Steve Martin walks onto the stage. Crowd again cheers wildly.)

Shane:
Steve Martin?

Martin:
Shane, I join Alec in wishing you all the best for tonight.

Shane:
OK, thanks.

Martin:
And also, I'm an alternate host. (Crowd laughs.)

Shane:
Alternate host?

Martin:
Yeah, whenever you screw up, I'll be ready. (Crowd laughs.)

Baldwin:
That's what I'm here for, Steve.

Martin:
You've hosted plenty of times, Alec. It's time for someone else to have a chance. Someone like me.

Baldwin:
I don't think so, Steve. I've hosted SNL more than anyone else, including you. Lorne trusts me.

Martin:
You know that record should be mine. You know it! (Crowd laughs loudly.)

Shane:
Guys, guys, take it easy. Neither of you are hosting tonight. This is my show tonight. It's my show!

(Crowd cheers as Michael Cera walks onto the stage.)

Shane: Michael Cera? Now I know you've never hosted the show. Why are you here?

Cera:
Well, Lorne called me and said he was having second thoughts about having you host the show. He wasn't sure if he could count on Alec or Steve either, so...here I am. (Crowd laughs.)

Baldwin:
Scram kid, I'm in charge.

Martin:
Alec, get out of my way, I'm hosting.

Cera:
I'd like to host, please, if it's not too much trouble. (Crowd laughs loudly.)

Shane:
I think I'll host the show while you three figure this out backstage. We've got a great show for you tonight. Cobra Starship is here! (Crowd cheers wildly.) So stick around, we'll be right back!

Monday, August 15, 2011

A Superhero Lockout

Thank you for tuning into Gotham Live, I'm Summer Gleeson. We will soon take you live to city hall, where Commissioner Gordon is expected to address the ongoing labor negotiations between the Justice League and its superheroes.

It's widely expected that Commissioner Gordon will announce a lockout of the superheroes after last-minute talks reportedly failed to produce a new collective bargaining agreement. A prolonged lockout would mean that the 2011 season could be cancelled. Can one of crime-fighting's most popular leagues afford to alienate its fans? That question will continue to linger well after today's press conference.

Commissioner Gordon has just taken the podium. Let's take you there now live.

Commissioner Gordon:
"As you know, the League and its superheroes have been engaged in intense talks to ensure that the 2011 crime-fighting season is not disrupted. This was our top priority ever since the most recent collective bargaining agreement between the heroes and the League expired earlier this year. However, with both sides still far apart on a number of key issues, we were left with no choice but to lock out the heroes until a new agreement can be reached.

"While the League is run primarily by the heroes, the average fan may not realize that officials such as myself are responsible for the day-to-day operations of the League. Therefore, it is incumbent upon us to make sure we have a labor deal in place that will ensure the viability of the League for years to come.

"Until the lockout is resolved, the superheroes will be unable to meet at League facilities, and they must not have any contact with criminals.

"I'll now take your questions."

Reporter #1:
"Any comment on the heroes' threat to file a class-action lawsuit in response to the lockout?"

Gordon: "It would be inappropriate for us to comment on any potential legal action brought by the heroes at this time. That's a road that we just don't want to go down, but unfortunately the heroes feel that's their only recourse. We are standing firm in our belief that a lockout is necessary."

Reporter #2:
"What have been the major sticking points in the negotiations?"

Gordon: "As I stated earlier, both sides are far apart on a number of key issues. Officials have expressed great interest in expanding the crime-fighting season by two weeks. The superheroes have resisted, despite assurances that they will not be at greater risk of injury if their schedule is expanded. An extended season would provide more revenue for the League, including the heroes. And fans have made it clear that they want to see more crime-fighting. They can't get enough of it. It is our duty to give the fans what they want.

"We also seek an age minimum on talent drafted by the League. Sometimes the younger talent are just not prepared for the rigors of a crime-fighting season. We believe they are better served in the first few years of their career honing their skills in a developmental league, with an organization such as the Teen Titans."

Reporter #3: "What about TV revenue?"

Gordon: "Yes, we are also struggling to reach a compromise on the distribution of revenue from networks that air League programming, as well as other projects featuring our heroes. It's no secret that we've generated a lot of money with our TV and movie contracts. We've made every effort to spread the wealth with the heroes. They're looking for more than we can afford to give them. We need that revenue to support and build the League, as well as to reconstruct the buildings they destroy when fighting the criminals."

Reporter #4: "Would you consider steroid testing for the heroes?"

Gordon: "Oh, no, no. That's not necessary. Our heroes are clean, no question about that. They're not like professional athletes who are passed off as 'heroes.' This isn't baseball, you know." (Laughter erupts in the room)

Reporter #5: "Can the League risk cancelling a season, thus giving criminals free license to rule the cities?"

Gordon: "It's a risk we're willing to take. These issues are far too important to ignore. Again, we want to ensure that the League not only continues to provide quality crime-fighting, but also remains financially viable. If it means cancelling the season, then that's something we'll have to deal with."

Reporter #6:
"Any concern that the heroes will jump to the competition?"

Gordon:
"That certainly is a possibility, but there's an intense rivalry between our League and the competition. They are successful in what they do, but we believe we are the best at what we do. We're not really concerned with them. We are America's league."

Reporter #7: "Don't you think the heroes are making some good points? I mean, the officials are being entirely unfair with their demands and putting the citizens in danger, no?"

Gordon: "Please sit down, Clark Kent. Thank you everyone."

Epilogue: After a lockout that stretched through most of the summer, League officials and the superheroes reached a new 10-year collective bargaining agreement. The heroes made their way to training camp soon afterward and participated in exhibition crime-fighting sessions. Once the season began, their were immediately tested when the Joker robbed three banks. The fans didn't mind; they were just happy that crime-fighting had resumed.

Friday, July 15, 2011

The Next "Harry Potter"

Today marks the release of the eighth and final Harry Potter film, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2. And so ends one of the most successful movie franchises of all time.

It's a sad moment for a lot of fans, many of whom grew up watching the Harry Potter films since the first one debuted 10 years ago. I don't feel an emotional attachment to the series. I don't dislike Harry Potter. How could I? I've only seen one of the movies, and I've never read any of the books. I will concede that it bothers me that J.K. Rowling's books have encouraged a generation of children to read. When I was young, I would skip a book and watch the movie adaptation instead. It's just what you did back then. Nowadays, kids read a book and then watch the film it inspired. How sad.

Nevertheless, I feel it is important that this blog says farewell to perhaps the biggest pop culture phenomenon of my lifetime. Since I'm not capable of writing a fitting tribute to Harry Potter, I've invited a friend to sum up what the boy wizard means to him. I do believe you're familiar with his work. Ladies and gentlemen, Will Smith:

Yo, yo, yo! [Editor's note: Yes, I've never actually met Will Smith, but I've always assumed that if I were to have a conversation with him, he'd subconsciously slip into his Fresh Prince of Bel-Air character. I'll let you know if there are any other Fresh Prince references.]

Will Smith here. Shane asked me if I could say a few words about the conclusion of the Harry Potter series, and I couldn't be more delighted. I love the movies, and so do my youngest kids, Jaden and Willow. You know them: Jaden was the star of the blockbuster film The Karate Kid, and Willow likes to whip her hair back and forth.

I read the Harry Potter books to them when they were smaller. We're such big fans, and we know how bittersweet it is that the new movie is out, knowing that it's the last one.

It was the last one, I should say, until I came up with a brilliant idea. I haven't told anyone this, but this seems like the perfect opportunity to announce that I will be producing a remake of the original Harry Potter film. Starring as Harry Potter: my son Jaden! He's only 13, so he is more than capable of carrying a new Harry Potter series for the next decade. He was featured in my film The Pursuit of Happyness, I will co-star with him in an upcoming M. Night Shyamalan movie, and I produced him in The Karate Kid, so I can tell you he has acting talent that is second to none for someone his age. He also appeared in The Day the Earth Stood Still, so his track record with movie remakes speaks for itself.

Joining Jaden in the new Harry Potter movie will be...I Am Legend star Willow Smith! She'll play Hermione. It'll be the perfect way for her to follow up on her role in the proposed Annie reboot I'd produce that could feature music from Jay-Z. (Carlton will make a cameo, dancing to a song that samples Tom Jones' "It's Not Unusual"!) [Editor's note: This is a Fresh Prince reference.] So I may ask Jay-Z to do the music for Harry Potter, too. You know what I'm sayin'? Ya know? [Editor's note: Another Fresh Prince reference.]

We'll probably eliminate the role of Ron. It doesn't seem necessary. Jaden as Harry Potter and Willow as Hermione should be powerful enough.

Look for the first, new-and-improved Harry Potter movie to be released in 2014. After that, we'll begin work on the sequel, and maybe even a Star Wars remake that I've been thinking about doing. Jaden would be Luke Skywalker, Willow would be Princess Leia, and Uncle Phil would be Darth Vader. [Editor's note: Yet another Fresh Prince reference.]

So, Harry Potter fans, don't despair. There will be plenty more Harry Potter movies in the years to come. Ya feel me? (Will slaps another person's hand, whips his head back and says, "Psssshhh.") [Editor's note: Yep.]

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

A Message From My Family

Hello. This is Shane's family. He's stepped away from his computer. We happened to be searching through his laptop when we accidentally logged onto his account for this blog. Since we're here, we will use this opportunity to alert you to some unfortunate news regarding Shane. He's been struggling with a personal issue that has caused us all great distress.

Shane is single. And 30.

We know you'd agree that this is simply unacceptable. For reasons that we cannot comprehend, Shane has resisted any attempt to find a wife. He says he has "plenty of time," that he will meet the right woman when he "least expects it." Of course, he's incorrect. He does not have plenty of time. He's 30. He's not getting any younger. We can't stress that point enough. Believe us, we've stressed that point to him over and over, but he refuses to listen.

We do not want to watch him grow into an old man without a partner. Since we're his family and we love him and only want the best for him, we've decided to launch a search for a wife, on his behalf. We've created a personality test that we invite all of Shane's female readers to fill out. We are hopeful that one of you could be his soul mate.

Don't be alarmed by the test -- it's just a few standard questions that you'd read on any dating website. And we won't ask for a subscription fee to match you with Shane, LOL. No, save your money; Shane doesn't make a lot of money in his current job. Happy testing!


Personality Test for Shane's Future Wife

How old are you?

-- 20-25
-- 26-30
-- 31-35

What is your ethnicity?

-- White
-- African-American
-- Asian
-- Hispanic
-- Indian
-- Other (please specify)

What is your profession?

-- Lawyer
-- Doctor

What is your salary range?

-- $50,000-$70,000
-- $70,000-$90,000
-- $90,000-$100,000
-- $100,000+
-- Prefer not to answer

If you replied "Prefer not to answer" to the previous question, too bad. We have to know. What is your salary range?

-- $50,000-$70,000
-- $70,000-$90,000
-- $90,000-$100,000
-- $100,000+

What would you consider to be your best skill?

-- Cooking
-- Supporting others financially
-- Quoting Seinfeld episodes
-- All of the above


Shane spends a lot of time exploring his creative side; for example, he has this blog. You don't waste your time with that kind of nonsense, do you?

-- Yes
-- No way, it wouldn't be a productive use of my time

What's the most important quality you're looking for in a partner?

-- Height
-- Wealth
-- Stable job
-- None of the above

What are the five things you can't live without?

-- "S"
-- "H"
-- "A"
-- "N"
-- "E"
-- All of the above

Are you looking for a short-term relationship, or are you ready to settle down in the near future?

-- Looking for a short-term relationship
-- Ready to settle down
-- I'd marry Shane tomorrow if I could!

Where would you prefer to live?

-- In the city
-- In the suburbs
-- As close to my future in-laws as possible

What would be your ideal honeymoon?

-- A cruise to the Bahamas
-- A tour of Europe
-- A trip to Australia

Wow, all of those options sound fun. Can we come with you on your honeymoon?

-- I'd prefer to spend my honeymoon alone with my husband
-- Of course you can, you don't even need to ask!

WE WANT GRANDKIDS. Oh, pardon us, we meant, It would be nice if Shane fathered a child one day. Are you interested in having children?

-- Yes
-- Yes
-- No, but on second thought, yes

How many kids would you like to have?

-- 1-2
-- 3-4
-- As many as you want

Are there any reasons why you would not be good enough for our precious Shane? If so, please elaborate in the space below:









Please submit your answers to this test, along with a picture of yourself. We will get back to you if we're interested.

Monday, June 13, 2011

Upset with LeBron James? Blame Zack Morris

Congratulations. LeBron James didn't win an NBA championship. This was the outcome you were hoping for, wasn't it? You haven't viewed him in quite the same way since he took his talents to South Beach. You mocked him. You ridiculed him. Most of all, you wished he would fail. And sure enough, in the most important games of his career, LeBron failed.

(I'm assuming you rooted against LeBron. I base that assumption on my Twitter feed, which was overwhelmed with "Take that, LeBron!" jokes after he lost the sixth and final game on Sunday night. Twitter is always an accurate barometer of how America is feeling at any given moment.)

That a person such as LeBron could engender so much animosity is fascinating to me. He left his hometown team, the Cleveland Cavaliers, to play with his buddies in Miami. He did so in a very peculiar and ill-advised manner, to be sure. He didn't need to rub salt in Cleveland fans' wounds by making his announcement on TV. (Though I don't recall there being an uproar when Drew Carey chose to work elsewhere.) But is he a bad person, deserving of our scorn? No, probably not.

I've thought a lot in the last two weeks about what could've possibly caused LeBron to make one questionable PR move after another. He had endeared himself to fans with his easygoing personality, his apparent loyalty to his home state, and, of course, his talents. Why embarrass the Cavaliers? Why go through with The Decision? Why participate in a way-over-the-top pep rally? Why make fun of Dirk Nowitzki's illness while in the midst of a semi-collapse in the biggest series of your career? Why tell all of your detractors after the elimination game they need to "get back to the real world at some point"?

It would be easy to blame his handlers, who advised him at the least on The Decision, which will continue to sully LeBron's reputation until if/when he wins a championship. No, I believe LeBron's blissful ignorance can be traced back to his childhood. I don't know LeBron personally, and I'm not a psychiatrist, but his behavior seems awfully familiar to me. I once knew another man who acted just as LeBron has. He was popular, self-assured, athletic. He had it all. But much like LeBron, he nearly derailed his own career with a series of unfortunate missteps.

His name: Zack Morris. And I believe his antics have shaped LeBron into the person he's become.

I have no proof that LeBron is a Saved by the Bell fan, but it stands to reason that he watched Saved by the Bell as a kid. He is 26 years old, meaning he was between the ages of 7 and 8 when the series ended. And it airs for two hours every day on TBS, so he's had ample opportunity to catch up on whichever episodes he missed. How could he not have watched Saved by the Bell? It was the sitcom that defined a generation. (Not quite true, but it has grown in popularity in the last 20 years. I really believe that. Why else would TNT give Mark-Paul Gosselaar a new legal drama every year?)

There are so many parallels that can be drawn between Zack's time in school and LeBron's NBA career to date. Need convincing? Here are the cold, hard facts:

-- LeBron left his home state, Ohio, for Florida and a chance to be surrounded by better teammates. Zack left his home state, Indiana, where he attended middle school, to be surrounded by a better cast. I say this with all due respect to Miss Bliss, Mikey and Nikki. But to be fair, in that trade, we, the fans, received Miss Simpson, Jessie and Kelly. It was the most lopsided swap of the late 1980s, ahead of the Herschel Walker trade.

-- LeBron announced his departure from the Cavaliers in a widely ridiculed TV special. Zack announced his departure from John F. Kennedy Junior High School in Indiana in a widely ridiculed TV special. OK, I made that up. But NBC really missed the boat here. I would've watched, as I watched anything on TNBC, no matter how far-fetched the premise. TNBC actually had me convinced for a few years that California Dreams could've become the 1990s' answer to The Monkees and had a successful recording career. In any event, Zack did not have a Decision, though I would've really liked to have seen Jim Gray ask him whether he bites his nails.

-- LeBron took his talents to South Beach. Zack took his talents to Southern California. And he had many talents, more than LeBron has now. Zack was a star in multiple sports, a member of the glee club, a radio disc jockey, a member of a trivia team, an employee at a beach club, a finalist in a school song contest, a member of a teen line (twice) and a Good Samaritan to a pretty homeless girl.

-- LeBron is supremely confident, as confirmed by the fact that he's openly discussed his "talents." Zack is supremely confident, as confirmed by the fact that he inserted a subliminal message into an audio cassette in which he described himself as "great looking," "smart," "funny," "a 10," "perfect in every way," and a "blond Tom Cruise." I firmly believe that LeBron listened to a Bo Revere tape with his own subliminal messages on the day of The Decision.

-- Not long after The Decision, LeBron and his new teammates, Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh, were met by thousands of fans in Miami at a pep rally. Zack and his new friends at Bayside were the focus of many, many unnecessary pep rallies at The Max.

-- Zack once dreamed that he was a singer and performed in front of a big crowd. LeBron once dreamed that he could pull off pretending to be a singer and performing in front of a big crowd.

-- LeBron has a tendency to rub people the wrong way with his actions and his words. Zack, well, he was a jerk sometimes. This fact is lost in TV history, but Zack was not a very good person. How many times did he insult or let down students who he subconsciously felt were beneath him? He used Screech for his own personal gain many times. He essentially dumped Kelly to hit on a school nurse he had no chance with. He tried to squirm his way out of a date with an obese girl because she was obese. But my personal favorite: As Zack develops a friendship, and perhaps something more, with a girl in a wheelchair named Melissa, he exclaims, "Even though she's handicapped, she gave Cathy perfect advice." What an awful, awful thing to say. And yet somehow, Melissa eventually forgave him. Zack provides ample evidence for anyone who believes that girls are attracted to jerks.

-- LeBron came up short on the big stage, in the NBA Finals. Zack very nearly missed the big stage -- the graduation stage -- until a last-minute performance in a production of Swan Lake earned him the credits he needed to graduate. Which is to say, I expect LeBron to win a championship one of these years after he participates in a ballet.

-- And the most obvious point: LeBron is a basketball player. Zack was a basketball player until he accidentally bumped into Mr. Belding and required knee surgery. A sign of things to come for LeBron? Be extra cautious when walking behind Pat Riley, LeBron.

Do you see how LeBron's transformation into a not-so-fan-favorite could be the direct result of years of watching and idolizing Zack Morris? My, how times have changed; we gave a pass to Zack in the early '90s for his many social indiscretions, but refuse to do the same for LeBron now. Cut LeBron some slack. Blame Zack.

Monday, April 25, 2011

Wishing The Royal Couple All The Best

Congratulations in advance to Prince William and Kate Middleton, whose royal wedding is scheduled for 6 a.m. Eastern time this Friday. I wish you all the best in your marriage. Really, I do. I'm telling you this now, four days before your big day, because there is absolutely no way I am waking up at 6 a.m. to watch you -- two lovely people, I'm sure, but also two complete strangers to me -- exchange vows.

There have been very few occasions in my life when I woke up at 6 a.m. for a reason other than school/work or insomnia. I remember He-Man cartoons aired in the early morning when I was a kid, and I would drag myself out of bed to watch them. Or maybe it was She-Ra. After all these years, I'm still not sure if She-Ra was meant to be watched by girls or boys. Her nickname was the "Princess of Power" -- I never went up to my friends and asked them, "Hey, did you see the 'Princess of Power' yesterday?" -- but on the other hand, she was He-Man's sister, and her nemesis was a male.

So that was one exception. Waking up at 6 a.m. to watch Etheria's "Princess of Power": acceptable. Waking up at 6 a.m. to watch England's "Future Princess": inconceivable.

I do feel sympathy for Prince William, who is under intense scrutiny, what with the wedding just a few days away and the whole world analyzing his every move. I've been there, my friend. I'm not married. I'm not even engaged. But my future wedding is widely anticipated by family members who repeatedly ask me, "When are you going to get married?" It's more of a greeting now than a question. There are no more "hellos" in my family. They see me, they hug me, and they demand to know when I will find a wife.

I look forward to my wedding day. You can be certain that my wedding will also be scheduled for 6 a.m. My family wants me to get married? Then I'll get married at the break of dawn, ruin their day. That'll show 'em.

Prince William won't mind if I don't watch his wedding. He'll be sharing his special day with plenty of other people. The royal wedding will have 1,900 guests. Nineteen hundred! A lot of celebrities among them, too. Elton John will be there. David and Victoria Beckham will be there. Guy Ritchie will be there. Mr. Bean will be there. Mr. Bean! He probably won't give a toast at the reception. What an unusual mix of celebrities. It just seems so random to me. The U.S. equivalent would be George Clooney marrying and inviting Billy Joel, Lamar Odom and Khloe Kardashian, and Pee-Wee Herman to the wedding.

Anyway, good luck to you both, Prince William and Kate Middleton. I mean no disrespect when I tell you I will be sleeping through your wedding. Or watching She-Ra on DVD.

Friday, April 8, 2011

A Letter From The Animals Of The World To Hollywood

To all Hollywood studios:

It has come to our attention that some of you have been using our likenesses in movies without permission. According to our research, images of cats, dogs, birds, bees, geese, fish, donkeys, owls, chimps, chipmunks, wolves, foxes, frogs, turtles, tigers, lions, zebras, bears, lemurs, giraffes, lizards, penguins, rats, ants, dragons and countless other animals have been prominently featured in films over the last two decades.

We are deeply concerned over what we feel are inaccurate portrayals of the animal kingdom. Despite popular human belief, there is no such thing as a kung fu panda or a ninja turtle. Our stance on this issue cannot be more clear: We have not, nor ever will, engage in martial arts.

Quite frankly, we're astonished by your lack of knowledge regarding species other than your own. Do you not read the information plaques at the zoo?

We also believe that the poor critical response to some of these films will cause irreparable damage to our reputations. Had the wolf community known about Alpha and Omega prior to its release, it would have made every effort to protest the project. At the least, it would not have signed off on the tagline "A Pawsome 3D Adventure."

On behalf of all animals past and present (including the dinosaurs, mammoths and other creatures no longer with us), we demand that you cease and desist all further use of our likenesses until we reach a resolution. If you brazenly continue to disregard our rights, we will have no choice but to pursue legal action and unleash a rainstorm of bird droppings onto your cars.

Sincerely,
The Animal Kingdom

Thursday, March 17, 2011

A Disconnect With The Kinect (And Today's Video Games In General)

When I was a kid, I played a lot of video games. It's what I did as soon as I arrived home from school. While my classmates were participating in team sports or other extracurricular activities, I was giving my thumbs a solid workout with a Nintendo controller.

It was awesome.

There are a couple of reasons why I played video games. They were fun, of course, but they also earned me serious cred with my friends. I would tell them, "I beat Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!! last night," and they would be amazed. They were so impressed. They didn't read the articles I wrote for the school newspaper, they didn't congratulate me when I got a 5 on my AP U.S. History exam, but I got a lot of pats on the back when I knocked out Mike Tyson.

(My biggest accomplishment in life is defeating "Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!!" without being knocked out once. I haven't had a very productive life. And for the record, I did not cheat by using the "007 373 9563" code to jump straight to the Tyson fight.)

Playing video games was also an easy way for me to relax. I would lie on the couch for hours, with a controller in one hand and a bag of potato chips in the other, playing Super Mario Bros., Double Dragon, Ninja Gaiden, Tecmo Super Bowl. I have not come across another activity that requires so little effort and yet is so enjoyable.

Which is why I am so concerned by the latest wave of technology. Today's games are too interactive. You can't sit down to play these games. You have to stand up and move around and stuff. It's so annoying.

I blame this trend on Dance Dance Revolution, a game so frustrating they named it twice. It requires excellent balance and coordination, neither of which I have. I'd usually lose within the first 30 seconds. Not what I'm shooting for when I play a game.

It's weird how that game stuck with me in everyday life, though. I'd envision arrows on the sidewalk in front of me as I was walking. Ever try to walk straight and right at the same time? Not easy. Especially when you have Japanese techno-pop running through your head.

Nintendo's Wii upped the ante with its motion-sensor controller. Now, not only do I have to swing my arms if I want to bowl or play golf using my video game system, there's a chance I'll throw my controller through the TV if I don't hold on to the controller tightly. To be fair, there is a strap on the Wii controller to prevent such accidents. But you know which controller doesn't require a strap? The controller for the original Nintendo. C'mon, Nintendo, it was your own system! You're regressing.

The PlayStation 3 and the Xbox 360 have jumped on the interactive bandwagon. PlayStation has the Move controller. The name says it all: "Move." No. I don't want to move. I want to play video games. The whole reason I'm playing video games is so I don't have to move. I'm trying to be as inactive as possible. Don't ruin this for me.

The Xbox 360 introduced the Kinect, which doesn't have a controller at all. It only has a sensor. And the name of one of its most popular games? Dance Central. More dancing. Of course.

We have become so lazy as a society that we can't even be bothered to hold a controller while playing video games. It's a shame. I for one am not going to put up with this. I'll stick to my old-school games, thank you very much.

Anyone want to come over and see me beat Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!!?