Tuesday, June 28, 2011

A Message From My Family

Hello. This is Shane's family. He's stepped away from his computer. We happened to be searching through his laptop when we accidentally logged onto his account for this blog. Since we're here, we will use this opportunity to alert you to some unfortunate news regarding Shane. He's been struggling with a personal issue that has caused us all great distress.

Shane is single. And 30.

We know you'd agree that this is simply unacceptable. For reasons that we cannot comprehend, Shane has resisted any attempt to find a wife. He says he has "plenty of time," that he will meet the right woman when he "least expects it." Of course, he's incorrect. He does not have plenty of time. He's 30. He's not getting any younger. We can't stress that point enough. Believe us, we've stressed that point to him over and over, but he refuses to listen.

We do not want to watch him grow into an old man without a partner. Since we're his family and we love him and only want the best for him, we've decided to launch a search for a wife, on his behalf. We've created a personality test that we invite all of Shane's female readers to fill out. We are hopeful that one of you could be his soul mate.

Don't be alarmed by the test -- it's just a few standard questions that you'd read on any dating website. And we won't ask for a subscription fee to match you with Shane, LOL. No, save your money; Shane doesn't make a lot of money in his current job. Happy testing!

Personality Test for Shane's Future Wife

How old are you?

-- 20-25
-- 26-30
-- 31-35

What is your ethnicity?

-- White
-- African-American
-- Asian
-- Hispanic
-- Indian
-- Other (please specify)

What is your profession?

-- Lawyer
-- Doctor

What is your salary range?

-- $50,000-$70,000
-- $70,000-$90,000
-- $90,000-$100,000
-- $100,000+
-- Prefer not to answer

If you replied "Prefer not to answer" to the previous question, too bad. We have to know. What is your salary range?

-- $50,000-$70,000
-- $70,000-$90,000
-- $90,000-$100,000
-- $100,000+

What would you consider to be your best skill?

-- Cooking
-- Supporting others financially
-- Quoting Seinfeld episodes
-- All of the above

Shane spends a lot of time exploring his creative side; for example, he has this blog. You don't waste your time with that kind of nonsense, do you?

-- Yes
-- No way, it wouldn't be a productive use of my time

What's the most important quality you're looking for in a partner?

-- Height
-- Wealth
-- Stable job
-- None of the above

What are the five things you can't live without?

-- "S"
-- "H"
-- "A"
-- "N"
-- "E"
-- All of the above

Are you looking for a short-term relationship, or are you ready to settle down in the near future?

-- Looking for a short-term relationship
-- Ready to settle down
-- I'd marry Shane tomorrow if I could!

Where would you prefer to live?

-- In the city
-- In the suburbs
-- As close to my future in-laws as possible

What would be your ideal honeymoon?

-- A cruise to the Bahamas
-- A tour of Europe
-- A trip to Australia

Wow, all of those options sound fun. Can we come with you on your honeymoon?

-- I'd prefer to spend my honeymoon alone with my husband
-- Of course you can, you don't even need to ask!

WE WANT GRANDKIDS. Oh, pardon us, we meant, It would be nice if Shane fathered a child one day. Are you interested in having children?

-- Yes
-- Yes
-- No, but on second thought, yes

How many kids would you like to have?

-- 1-2
-- 3-4
-- As many as you want

Are there any reasons why you would not be good enough for our precious Shane? If so, please elaborate in the space below:

Please submit your answers to this test, along with a picture of yourself. We will get back to you if we're interested.