Monday, February 29, 2016

Tiny Bits of Nonsense: February 2016

Here is the February 2016 edition of "Tiny Bits of Nonsense," featuring some of my tweets for the month:
Other bits of nonsense:
January 2016
December 2015
New Year's Edition

November 2015
October 2015
Halloween Edition

September 2015
August 2015
July 2015

June 2015

May 2015
"Back to the Future" Edition
April 2015
March 2015
February 2015
Valentine's Day Edition
January 2015
December 2014
Holiday Season Edition
November 2014
Thanksgiving Edition
October 2014
September 2014
August 2014
July 2014
June 2014
May 2014

April 2014
March 2014

Friday, February 26, 2016

Swag Bag Letdown

If I were an Oscar nominee, I would feel so let down by the plastic bag of goodies my dentist hands out at the end of an appointment.

That was the first thought that came to mind when I read an article detailing the contents of the swag bag that will be presented to this year's nominees. The gifts reportedly include a VIP trip to Israel; Vampire breast lift treatment; vaporizers; personalized M&M's; and much more. 

The Israel trip alone is worth $55,000. $55,000! I have visited Israel twice, and I came nowhere close to spending $55,000. If I had, I would've eaten a lot more falafel and shawarma sandwiches, I assure you. And felt really good about it, too.

The swag bag article leaves me with so many questions: What's a Vampire breast lift treatment? Is it only offered at night? If I expose my nipples to sunlight afterward, will they turn to dust? Is it OK to eat falafel and personalized M&M's after treatment?

In total, the swag bag for Oscar nominees is reportedly worth up to $220,000. By comparison, the swag bag for patients at my dentist's office is worth up to $2.20. When I receive a mini tube of toothpaste, a mini dental floss container, and a disposable toothbrush, I'm not made to feel like a star, like Leonardo DiCaprio or Matt Damon. I'm made to feel like Austin Powers, or Sloth from The Goonies

Where are the all-expenses-paid trips? Where are the plastic surgery vouchers? Where are the vaporizers?

And where are the M&M's? My teeth delivered a great performance this year. I had no cavities, no plaque, no tartar. I deserve M&M's! #TeethSoWhite

Wednesday, February 3, 2016

The Challenge Of Moving Cereal

I'm learning that there are many challenges that come with planning a move to another apartment in this city. I need to find a tenant who is willing to take on my current lease; pack my belongings; clean my apartment; and agree to a new lease for a new apartment.

Oh, and I need to buy cereal.

Cereal is really my number-one priority right now. I'm running dangerously low. As of this writing, I have two boxes of Cheerios. That's all.

Two boxes of cereal are not enough to sustain me for more than a couple of days. I eat cereal all the time: in the morning, in the afternoon, at night, very late at night, very early in the morning. I enjoy eating cereal so much that I dedicated an entire blog post to it.

The feeling I have when I open my kitchen cabinet and discover that I have only two boxes of cereal remaining? It's the same feeling my iPhone has when its battery power falls to 20 percent. We both react in the same way: We turn red and weak, and send out cries for help.

I'm reluctant to stock up, though, because of the impending move. It wouldn't make much sense to buy more than a box or two of cereal at a time if there's a chance I'll have to pack them in the near future.

Besides, I wouldn't trust the movers to handle the cereal boxes with care. Too risky. What if they were to damage the boxes? Of what value would dented boxes of Rice Krispies be to me? They'd be virtually inedible. Have you ever eaten crushed Rice Krispies? It's not the same. They don't have the same snap, crackle and pop.

I don't have cereal delivered to my apartment for this very reason. I transport all of my cereal from the supermarket to my apartment, by foot. But that's not easy, either. There are a lot of obstacles. I've made the walk more times than I can count, all while avoiding pedestrians, strollers, bicyclists, cabs, dogs, dog poop, and so much more, for blocks and blocks. I can totally relate to the struggles of the paperboy in the video game of the same name. (To be fair, I've never had to avoid a breakdancer or an old woman with a rolling pin...yet.)

Here's the best way I can explain the difficulty of carrying cereal in the city: Last year I had to bring home several boxes of cereal in a large trash bag. Twice.

The stores -- yes, more than one -- had run out of the standard plastic bags, and instead placed the cereal I'd purchased in a garbage bag. I swung the bag over my shoulder and made the long walk home. I've never attracted more stares in my life. The passersby didn't know what to make of the situation. Was this a deranged cereal eater? Or a plainclothes Santa Claus handing out Golden Grahams and Lucky Charms to all the kids who've been nice?

Oh, the lengths I go to to eat cereal. As embarrassing as those moments were, it was all worth it in the end. And, you know what they say: One man's trash is another man's Hidden Treasures. (This joke would've worked so well two decades ago.)

My cabinet feels empty without boxes and boxes of cereal inside of it. Especially because I eat so little outside of cereal. I'll be relieved when this is all over, when I've settled into my new apartment and I'll have a bountiful supply of cereal. And I can get back to carrying trash around the city again.