"Home Alone" is basically "Saw" for kids.
— Shane (@myemptythoughts) December 18, 2013
I really thought that tarantula's movie career would take off after "Home Alone."
— Shane (@myemptythoughts) December 5, 2014
Christmas has become too commercial, I thought to myself as I purchased several "Charlie Brown Christmas" decorations at the mall.
— Shane (@myemptythoughts) December 17, 2014
I just saw Santa wait in line at the mall so he could take a selfie in front of his workshop.
— Shane (@myemptythoughts) December 13, 2013
Brookstone has an excellent holiday layaway plan. It lets you set aside items that you will play with and not buy at a later date.
— Shane (@myemptythoughts) October 25, 2013
Does Costco sell engagement rings in bulk? I'm not sure how many women I'll be proposing to this Christmas, and I want to be prepared.
— Shane (@myemptythoughts) December 23, 2013
Secret Santa is a mixed bag for Santa Claus: He knows which gift to buy, but it's an extra gift to give.
— Shane (@myemptythoughts) December 5, 2015
The smart move is to lease, and not buy, your Hess truck this holiday season.
— Shane (@myemptythoughts) November 29, 2016
So hard to choose my favorite holiday song, but if I had to pick one it would be "Un-Break My Heart."
— Shane (@myemptythoughts) December 24, 2013
Here's an idea for a new Christmas song: Eminem's "Stan," but about a kid who writes letters to Santa Claus.
— Shane (@myemptythoughts) December 11, 2013
You never hear any duets in the summer about how, baby, it's warm outside.
— Shane (@myemptythoughts) December 11, 2015
I'm sorry, one more time....WHAT's the jingle bell rock?
— Shane (@myemptythoughts) January 2, 2016
My holiday sweater is so upset that a friend called it ugly that it's been unraveling in bed for the past hour.
— Shane (@myemptythoughts) December 2, 2014
When I buy Hershey's Kisses, I make it clear to them that if they are unable to perform "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" I will eat them.
— Shane (@myemptythoughts) November 15, 2014
The easiest way to make a hot gingerbread latte is to just throw the gingerbread man in there as quickly as possible.
— Shane (@myemptythoughts) December 30, 2016
Santa better be OK with eating cookies that contain gluten. I'm not making an extra trip to the store just because he's on a special diet.
— Shane (@myemptythoughts) December 17, 2014
This year I decorated my Christmas tree with all of the earbuds I've tangled over the past 5 years.
— Shane (@myemptythoughts) December 15, 2016
The holiday season is like a month-long "Hunger Games" for trees hoping they're not drafted to be sawed and sold as Christmas trees.
— Shane (@myemptythoughts) December 16, 2013
I won't see the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree until after the holidays, when the city leaves it by the curb. Smaller crowds then.
— Shane (@myemptythoughts) December 3, 2014
My holiday cards this year were extra special because they were made from the Christmas tree I threw out last year.
— Shane (@myemptythoughts) December 28, 2013
I've really impressed my neighbors with the Christmas tree design on my Lite-Brite that's sitting on my lawn.
— Shane (@myemptythoughts) December 21, 2013
Other bits of nonsense:November 2014
Thanksgiving Edition
October 2014
September 2014
August 2014
July 2014
June 2014
May 2014
April 2014
March 2014
