I need a female to retweet me in the next 48 hours so I have a story to tell when my family asks during Thanksgiving if I'm seeing anyone.
— Shane (@myemptythoughts) November 26, 2013
The night before Thanksgiving is a great time to reunite with childhood friends and remind yourself why you found new friends.
— Shane (@myemptythoughts) November 14, 2014
I feel like such a fool for asking that turkey if it has big Thanksgiving Day plans.
— Shane (@myemptythoughts) November 18, 2014
"Pardon?" -- A British turkey who thinks he may have heard his American turkey friend was pardoned for Thanksgiving, and not him
— Shane (@myemptythoughts) November 13, 2014
This was nice to read: A local teacher pardoned a drawing of a Thanksgiving turkey. All others will be in the trash by the end of the year.
— Shane (@myemptythoughts) November 23, 2016
I wouldn't want to be the one to tell the potatoes that none of them will be pardoned before Thanksgiving.
— Shane (@myemptythoughts) November 25, 2015
I've picked up my turkey for Thanksgiving. I just hope the four Subway footlong turkey breast sandwiches are still fresh by then.
— Shane (@myemptythoughts) November 14, 2014
Yes, I will accept your invitation for Thanksgiving dinner. Make sure to save me a side of gluten!
— Shane (@myemptythoughts) November 20, 2015
I refuse to learn what tryptophan is because it only comes up during one holiday per year.
— Shane (@myemptythoughts) November 15, 2014
I won't truly enjoy Thanksgiving dinner until someone finds a way to stuff the entire meal inside a pizza crust.
— Shane (@myemptythoughts) November 23, 2016
"Happy Thanksgiving!" -- Me, to co-workers I'm not thankful for
— Shane (@myemptythoughts) November 25, 2015
Black Friday: a day-long celebration of all those times I told a cashier, "Sure, you can have my email address."
— Shane (@myemptythoughts) November 25, 2016
7-Eleven will open early on Black Friday, for those of you looking to stock up on Christmas Slurpees for your family.
— Shane (@myemptythoughts) November 14, 2014
eHarmony offered me a Black Friday deal that was too good to pass up: free rejections through the end of the weekend.
— Shane (@myemptythoughts) November 30, 2013
I can't wait to take advantage of the special rates on Black Friday, including 60% off sleep, 40% off civility and 25% off self-respect.
— Shane (@myemptythoughts) November 19, 2014
Other bits of nonsense:October 2014
September 2014
August 2014
July 2014
June 2014
May 2014
April 2014
March 2014
