Tuesday, May 27, 2014

Tiny Bits of Nonsense: May 2014

Here is the May 2014 edition of "Tiny Bits of Nonsense," featuring 10 of my tweets from the past four weeks:

Other bits of nonsense:
April 2014
March 2014

Thursday, May 22, 2014

A Sneak Peek At My New TV Shows For The Fall Season

The 2013-2014 TV season ended last night. Already, I feel a void in my life. I find it hard to accept the fact that I'll have to wait four long months until my favorite shows return with new episodes. What am I supposed to do until then? Watch summer programming? How can I be expected to survive on a steady diet of Big Brother, America's Got Talent and I Wanna Marry "Harry"?

I can assure you the fall season holds much more promise (and not only because TV's most popular series will be back). Why do I say this? Because I created several of the exciting new programs you'll see on your screens later this year.

All of the major broadcast networks -- and a few other outlets, too -- have greenlit series that I will executive produce and star in. And I'm not even in the TV business! Obviously, I'm very excited, and I'm hoping to reward their faith in me.

I'm a firm believer in an oft-repeated writer's cliché, "Write what you know." That's reflected in the posts I've written for this blog, I think. I used the same approach for my upcoming TV projects. Nearly all of them are loosely based on my own life, including my experiences at home, at work and in social settings. I came up with a great concept for Howie Mandel, too.

The exact premiere dates have yet to be determined. For now, here are the official descriptions:

"Persian of Interest" (ABC)
Shane has a successful career, close friends and a nice apartment in the city that never sleeps, New York City. So what's missing in his life? Ask his Persian family, who is impatiently waiting for him to find a wife, move to Westchester and become a father. Shane struggles to balance the expectations of his loved ones with his own happiness in this hilarious new comedy.

The cast includes Shane ("I'm Having a Laugh"), Nasim Pedrad ("Saturday Night Live"), Catherine Bell ("JAG," "Army Wives"), Sarah Shahi ("Chicago Fire"), Maz Jobrani ("Better Off Ted"), Reza ("Shahs of Sunset") and Yu Darvish (Texas Rangers).

"How I Met The Woman Who Rejected Me And Later Became Your Mother" (CBS)
Shane has had his heart broken many, many times. Each week, through a series of flashbacks, he'll narrate a new story of how he met a nice woman, had several fun outings with her, developed strong emotional feelings for her, fantasized about spending the rest of his life with her, and never heard from her again.

The cast includes Shane (@myemptythoughts), Josh Radnor ("How I Met Your Mother"), Greta Gerwig ("Frances Ha") and Dave Coulier ("Full House") as the narrator.

"Nonsense For Nothing" (NBC)
"Nonsense For Nothing" is a multi-camera ensemble comedy based on the best-selling book of the same name. Shane is a young comic on the rise, hoping for his big break. In the meantime, he has to put up with the ups and downs of life along with his tightly-wound roommate, his quirky next-door neighbor and his stern landlord. Expect lots of pop culture references, lots of empty thoughts...and plenty of laughs.

The cast includes Shane ("Nonsense For Nothing"), Christopher Mintz-Plasse ("Superbad"), Alison Brie ("Community") and Daniel Day-Lewis ("There Will Be Blood," "Lincoln").

"America's Next Top Shane" (The CW)
Eight men and eight women live under the same roof as they compete for the title of "America's Next Top Shane." They will be mentored by real-life celebrity Shanes and face difficult challenges in the worlds of acting, modeling, blogging, tweeting, sports and more. The panel of judges and mentors include Shane ("Persian of Interest"), Shane West ("A Walk To Remember"), Shane Battier (Miami Heat), Shane Victorino (Boston Red Sox) and Alan Ladd, Jr. (son of "Shane" star Alan Ladd).

"Shane's Family Home Videos" (Netflix)
All 18 seasons of the groundbreaking docu-series will be released for the first time in its complete, unedited form, and in high definition. Relive the moments that defined Shane's childhood and shaped him into the man he's become today. His first steps. His first birthday party. His first day of school. His second day of school. His third day of school. His fourth day of school. His elementary school graduation. His middle school graduation. His junior prom. His senior prom. His high school graduation. And much, much, much more. Includes brand-new commentary from Shane; his family; his best friend in second grade, Rich; and others close to him.

"The Untitled Shane Project" (Fox)
Plot: TBD. This project is really just a scheme hatched by Shane to meet his celebrity crush, Zooey Deschanel of the Fox series New Girl.

"Pranking Howie Mandel" (TBS)
"Howie Do It." "Mobbed." "Deal With It." Howie Mandel has had an unhealthy obsession with hidden-camera shows in recent years. The tables will be turned on Mandel in "Pranking Howie Mandel." Throughout the season, Shane will prank the legendary comedian and TV host in increasingly annoying ways, until Mandel agrees to never host another hidden-camera show again.

Friday, May 9, 2014

"You Have Some Nerve!" A Conversation On The Sidewalk

"You have some nerve!" I said to her on the street corner, within earshot of three or four other pedestrians. I was upset with her. She was upset with me. This was not how I had imagined our first meeting would play out.

Perhaps I had let my imagination run wild. After all, it had been three months since I'd last heard from her. But how I could ignore the conversation we'd had? We'd engaged in witty banter. Shared life stories. Revealed to each other our wants and desires. We'd made a connection. I was sure of it.

I should point out that I'd felt a physical attraction to her, too. She was 5'3" with shoulder-length brown hair. Brown eyes. Slender build. Also: she had a bachelor's degree, was a non-smoker, was exercising three to four days per week, had "middle of the road" political views, was earning between $75,000-$100,000 per year, was interested only in long-term dating, and lived within a two-mile radius of my zip code. She was everything I could have possibly wanted in a Match.com profile.

We'd exchanged messages for two weeks before I finally mustered the courage to ask her if I could take her out for a cup of coffee. I didn't receive a response. Match.com may have misplaced my message, I speculated. Or maybe it was buried in her inbox, underneath more recent notes sent by men who were far less compatible with her than I was. I sent another message. Again, no response. I winked at her. Nothing.

Inexplicably, we'd fallen out of touch. My heart ached. I thought I'd lost her forever. That is, until fate brought us together at this street corner, in my neighborhood. As soon as we made eye contact, I was certain it was her. Still, I removed my phone from my coat pocket and pulled up her profile on the Match.com app. I quickly swiped through all 12 of her photos. Yep, it was BumbleBee1983 all right.

She started to walk away, but I called out to her. "BumbleBee1983!" She snapped her head toward me. "I mean, Ashlee! How are you!" 

She didn't recognize me at first. Remember, it had been three months since our last communication. I refreshed her memory. "It's me! Shane! Heisenberg62!" After a pause of a few seconds, she replied, "Ohhhhhhh." Six more H's than I would have liked. Nevertheless.

"It's so nice to run into you like this. How have you been?" "Um, OK." "Well I just wanted to say, I really enjoyed our conversation online. I was disappointed that it ended so abruptly. I find you to be an interesting person, Ashlee. I was hoping we can together sometime."

"Listen, Shane, you're very sweet, and we had a nice chat, but I just don't think we're right for each other."

"Really? Because Match said we were a 99% match. Ninety-nine percent. Mathematically, I'm a better option for you than 99 of every 100 men on the site. If you take a pass on me, the odds will not be in your favor."

"Again, I just didn't feel a spark. I'm sorry."

"I see. Let me approach this from a different angle. You wrote in your profile, 'I'm always up for meeting new people!' Am I right?"

"Well, yes, but...."

"And you mentioned you were searching for a man who is kind, loves to travel, and can make you laugh. True?"


"And your headline reads, and I quote, 'Call me maybe.' Yes?"


"OK. I am an extremely kind person. I spent a week in Australia last year. I'm the author of two humor books. And I love Carly Rae Jepsen's music. We are clearly a fit. Go on one date with me. One date! You'll have fun, I know it. We won't even have to try, it will be a good time."

"I'm sorry. The answer is no." She was much more forceful in her rejection this time. That's when I said, "You have some nerve!" And with that, she stormed off. Our first fight had come to an end.

"'Call me maybe.' Whatever," I muttered to myself as I made my way back home. I was deeply hurt. I'd been stung by a BumbleBee1983.