My summer plans include telling friends repeatedly that the summer is going by too quickly.
— Shane (@myemptythoughts) July 18, 2015
Nice try, parents who tell their kids, "No, we have ice cream at home." You'll need to do better than that.
— Shane (@myemptythoughts) July 11, 2015
I go to work for the same reasons I go to Starbucks: the coffee and the air conditioning.
— Shane (@myemptythoughts) July 12, 2015
"Ugh, I can't believe I have to go to work so soon after the holiday." -- John Hancock, on July 5, 1776
— Shane (@myemptythoughts) July 5, 2015
I keep telling myself I'm only one big movie or photo shoot away from @taylorswift13 inviting me into her squad.
— Shane (@myemptythoughts) July 17, 2015
I could never be a comedian because, honestly, I don't care if there are any people who are married or from my hometown in the house.
— Shane (@myemptythoughts) July 25, 2015
Oh no. I favorited a status on Facebook, endorsed a photo on Instagram, liked a tweet, and retweeted a skill on LinkedIn. How embarrassing.
— Shane (@myemptythoughts) July 15, 2015
Thanks to the camera on my phone I have more photos of my fingers holding things than I ever dreamed possible.
— Shane (@myemptythoughts) July 26, 2015
Flo hasn't convinced me to buy Progressive insurance, but she has convinced me to download "I'll Stand By You" from iTunes.
— Shane (@myemptythoughts) July 9, 2015
If I were Jon Arbuckle I'd be concerned that Odie still hasn't learned to think in English.
— Shane (@myemptythoughts) July 15, 2015
Other bits of nonsense:June 2015
May 2015
"Back to the Future" Edition
April 2015
March 2015
February 2015
Valentine's Day Edition
January 2015
December 2014
Holiday Season Edition
November 2014
Thanksgiving Edition
October 2014
September 2014
August 2014
July 2014
June 2014
May 2014
April 2014
March 2014
