Are you ever too old to have a dream job? I often wonder, especially when someone asks me what I want to be doing with my life. It's such an awkward question to be asked at my age (30). Whatever it is I want to be doing with my life, I should be doing it by now, right? Time's a wastin'.
I still have another five years before I can conceivably pursue one of my two childhood dreams -- become the president of the United States. But it's unlikely that I'll achieve my other childhood dream -- become an astronaut -- in the coming years since NASA's space shuttle program was shut down over the summer. Too bad. I'll never know what it would be like to be the first sitting president to travel to the moon.
These are just childhood dreams. They don't mean much to me now. We typically abandon our childhood dreams after our childhood ends. We create new goals for ourselves. I'm no exception. I have one adulthood dream now. I want to host an awards show or an episode of Saturday Night Live.
The reasons are simple: It looks like fun, and the idea of entertaining millions of viewers and, in the case of an awards show, a roomful of celebrities really appeals to me. There's one small problem, though: I'm not a celebrity myself. I don't act. I don't sing. I don't dance. I don't have much talent to speak of. Those are quite a few small problems, actually.
I don't know what my odds would be of hosting either an awards show or SNL. The odds are very long in each case, of course. I assume it's more "realistic" that I would host SNL, since there are 20+ new episodes per year, versus three or four major awards shows per year.
I still think I'd have a lot to offer as host of Saturday Night Live. I'm personable. I'm witty. I'm easygoing. I'm all the things I say I am in my online dating profile.
To prove it, I've written an SNL monologue for myself, which you can read below. This is the first in a series of occasional blog entries in which I'll post transcripts of sketches I'll have written for myself, in the event I'm given the opportunity to host SNL one day. Lorne Michaels, I hope you're paying attention.
Don Pardo: "Ladies and gentlemen, Shane!"
(I walk onto the stage to meet the applauding crowd.)
Shane: Thank you, thank you very much. Wow! (Crowd hollers in approval.) Please hold your applause until the end. That's when I'll need it the most. (Crowd laughs.) It is such an honor to be hosting Saturday Night Live. This is an absolute dream come true for me. I know some of you are wondering, Who is this guy? Where have I seen him before? Is he that guy who wears those glasses on The Big Bang Theory? (Crowd laughs.)
No, the truth is, you've never seen me before. I'm not a celebrity. You probably know the story -- Lorne Michaels stumbled upon my comedy blog, "I'm Having a Laugh," liked what he saw, and decided to take a chance on me. Highly unusual, I know. I have no professional experience in acting or comedy. But neither did Justin Timberlake, and he did well for himself. (Crowd laughs, with one man in the back yelling, "Woooo!") Just kidding, Justin. I hope that joke didn't upset Andy Samberg too much. (Light laughter from the crowd.)
I admit, I'm a little nervous to be standing up here, but I am confident that I can handle being the host of SNL and can put on a good show for you guys.
(Alec Baldwin walks onto the stage and the crowd cheers wildly.)
Shane: Wow! Alec Baldwin! What are you doing here?
Baldwin: Well, I've hosted the show more than any other celebrity, and I wanted to wish you the best of luck, Shane. I know you're going to do a great job. Just know that I'm here for you.
Shane: Thanks Alec, that really means a lot to me.
Baldwin: Also know that Lorne brought me here to step in as host in case things don't work out. (Crowd laughs.)
Baldwin: No, no, don't worry. I'm just an insurance policy. If you stumble over a few words, or you miss your cue, I'll be waiting in the wings. (Crowd laughs.)
Shane: That's reassuring, I guess.
(Steve Martin walks onto the stage. Crowd again cheers wildly.)
Shane: Steve Martin?
Martin: Shane, I join Alec in wishing you all the best for tonight.
Shane: OK, thanks.
Martin: And also, I'm an alternate host. (Crowd laughs.)
Shane: Alternate host?
Martin: Yeah, whenever you screw up, I'll be ready. (Crowd laughs.)
Baldwin: That's what I'm here for, Steve.
Martin: You've hosted plenty of times, Alec. It's time for someone else to have a chance. Someone like me.
Baldwin: I don't think so, Steve. I've hosted SNL more than anyone else, including you. Lorne trusts me.
Martin: You know that record should be mine. You know it! (Crowd laughs loudly.)
Shane: Guys, guys, take it easy. Neither of you are hosting tonight. This is my show tonight. It's my show!
(Crowd cheers as Michael Cera walks onto the stage.)
Shane: Michael Cera? Now I know you've never hosted the show. Why are you here?
Cera: Well, Lorne called me and said he was having second thoughts about having you host the show. He wasn't sure if he could count on Alec or Steve either, so...here I am. (Crowd laughs.)
Baldwin: Scram kid, I'm in charge.
Martin: Alec, get out of my way, I'm hosting.
Cera: I'd like to host, please, if it's not too much trouble. (Crowd laughs loudly.)
Shane: I think I'll host the show while you three figure this out backstage. We've got a great show for you tonight. Cobra Starship is here! (Crowd cheers wildly.) So stick around, we'll be right back!