Congratulations in advance to Prince William and Kate Middleton, whose royal wedding is scheduled for 6 a.m. Eastern time this Friday. I wish you all the best in your marriage. Really, I do. I'm telling you this now, four days before your big day, because there is absolutely no way I am waking up at 6 a.m. to watch you -- two lovely people, I'm sure, but also two complete strangers to me -- exchange vows.
There have been very few occasions in my life when I woke up at 6 a.m. for a reason other than school/work or insomnia. I remember He-Man cartoons aired in the early morning when I was a kid, and I would drag myself out of bed to watch them. Or maybe it was She-Ra. After all these years, I'm still not sure if She-Ra was meant to be watched by girls or boys. Her nickname was the "Princess of Power" -- I never went up to my friends and asked them, "Hey, did you see the 'Princess of Power' yesterday?" -- but on the other hand, she was He-Man's sister, and her nemesis was a male.
So that was one exception. Waking up at 6 a.m. to watch Etheria's "Princess of Power": acceptable. Waking up at 6 a.m. to watch England's "Future Princess": inconceivable.
I do feel sympathy for Prince William, who is under intense scrutiny, what with the wedding just a few days away and the whole world analyzing his every move. I've been there, my friend. I'm not married. I'm not even engaged. But my future wedding is widely anticipated by family members who repeatedly ask me, "When are you going to get married?" It's more of a greeting now than a question. There are no more "hellos" in my family. They see me, they hug me, and they demand to know when I will find a wife.
I look forward to my wedding day. You can be certain that my wedding will also be scheduled for 6 a.m. My family wants me to get married? Then I'll get married at the break of dawn, ruin their day. That'll show 'em.
Prince William won't mind if I don't watch his wedding. He'll be sharing his special day with plenty of other people. The royal wedding will have 1,900 guests. Nineteen hundred! A lot of celebrities among them, too. Elton John will be there. David and Victoria Beckham will be there. Guy Ritchie will be there. Mr. Bean will be there. Mr. Bean! He probably won't give a toast at the reception. What an unusual mix of celebrities. It just seems so random to me. The U.S. equivalent would be George Clooney marrying and inviting Billy Joel, Lamar Odom and Khloe Kardashian, and Pee-Wee Herman to the wedding.
Anyway, good luck to you both, Prince William and Kate Middleton. I mean no disrespect when I tell you I will be sleeping through your wedding. Or watching She-Ra on DVD.