Where ARE You, Mandarin Duck?

Right now my one hope, my one wish, is to see the Mandarin duck in Central Park. It's all I want in life.

You're likely familiar with the Mandarin duck, even if you don't live in New York. He's received a lot of attention on social media since The New York Times published an article about him on Oct. 31.

The Mandarin duck, native to East Asia, should not be in the middle of Manhattan. And yet, against all odds, he is there. And he is dazzling. https://t.co/UQNY9m0EXb

— The New York Times (@nytimes) October 31, 2018

He is dazzling. I've never been so dazzled by a bird in my life. The only other time I've ever been so in awe of a bird was when I saw an oriole just outside the Baltimore Orioles' ballpark nine years ago. A real-life oriole where the Orioles play! What were the odds? My mind was BLOWN. (Still is.)

I really wanted to check out this duck for myself. As it happened, I was free on the afternoon of Oct. 31, so I walked to the pond in Central Park where the duck was first spotted. No luck finding the duck. I was disappointed.

I didn't have the chance to search for the duck for another week and a half, in part because I don't leave work until after sunset. (Another example of daylight saving time putting the screws to me.)

In the meantime, six friends had posted photos or videos on Facebook of their own sightings of the duck. One of them hadn't even known about the duck until I told him about it; when I saw him the next day he said, "Hey, guess what? I saw that duck." He pulled out his phone and swiped through the 10 beautiful pics he took of the duck. "That's ... great," I said before grabbing the phone from his hand and throwing it out a fifth-floor window.

Fortunately, my Sunday was clear and so, with a renewed sense of purpose, I went back to the pond, this time accompanied by my wife. Almost immediately, I saw three ducks. I went in for a closer look. They were unremarkable in color. I was not dazzled. I took a photo anyway.

"Excuse me, but have you seen a Mandarin duck around here? Blue, purple, orange, and a bunch of other colors?"

I looked further down the pond. I spotted a flock of ducks hanging out together. And there were approximately a dozen people lined up along the walking path with cameras. Could it be? Could one of those ducks be the Mandarin duck? I allowed myself a flicker of hope.

We headed down the path. There were a lot of ducks; around 30, by my count. Not one of them was the Mandarin duck. They were all just ... plain ducks. I can guarantee you none of them had ever been profiled by The New York Times.

I was crestfallen, but I took another photo.

Booooooooorrrrrrrriiiiiiiiiiinnnnnng.

For the second time, I did not see the Mandarin duck in Central Park. I did see something else of note, though: a British comedian. Ricky Gervais, the inspiration for the name of this blog, jogged past my wife and me less than a quarter-mile from the pond.

Ricky Gervais. Creator of "The Office." Four-time Golden Globes host. Owner of the greatest laugh I've ever heard.

I did not take a photo. He may be many things, but he is not a duck.

Update: A week later I returned to the pond and ... I SAW THE DUCK.

4 Minutes Of Madonna (And Then 4 More ... And 4 More)

I stayed up way past my bedtime last Wednesday. Why did I stay up so late? Well ... here's how I explained it to my wife the next morning:

"I started to listen to one Madonna song on Spotify, and then another, and then the next thing I knew I'd fallen down the Madonna song rabbit hole."

It was the midweek Madonna song rabbit hole. It's only human nature to binge Madonna music late on a Wednesday night.

I was so close to going to bed at 11. I really was. And then for some reason I thought about "4 Minutes," that Madonna-Justin Timberlake song from 10 years ago. I don't think about it often, but I do like it a lot. It's underrated, actually, when you consider it features two of the biggest pop stars of my lifetime.



I haven't the slightest clue what the song is about. I can only recite one line from memory: "We only got 4 minutes to save the world!" And it's not even a Madonna line; Timberlake sings it. For the record, it's now 2018 and Madonna and Justin Timberlake have yet to take meaningful action together toward saving the world. We gave them 10 years when they asked for 4 minutes and, so far, we've received nothing in return.

Anyway, I picked up my phone, opened Spotify, tapped on one of the approximately 22 greatest-hits collections Madonna has released, and played "4 Minutes" for 4 minutes.

And then I figured that since I was listening to Madonna, I might as well fire up my favorite song of hers, "Beautiful Stranger." Not the most obvious choice for a favorite Madonna song, I know, but it is the only one with an "Austin Powers" connection, so there's that.



So now I started getting into the groove — and falling down that rabbit hole, quicker than a ray of light. I shuffled around the tracklist: "Like a Virgin," "Vogue," "La Isla Bonita," moving from one hit to the next spanning her entire career. I was hung up on the Material Girl.

I even listened to "Take a Bow," the rare song that can bring tears to my eyes. I can count on one hand the number of songs that can affect me so deeply: "Take a Bow," Adele's "Someone Like You," the Spice Girls' "2 Become 1." (Maybe not the last one so much.)



By this point it was a little after midnight and I was bracing myself for the possibility that I might cry while listening to "Take a Bow" on my couch. Hey, I'm not afraid to open my heart and express myself  — especially in the privacy of my own home, when my wife is asleep and won't see it.

I didn't cry that night. Thankfully, I pulled myself together and I was finished after that song. "Take a Bow," the night was over, I went to bed.

I've since shared this story with not only my wife, but with my Facebook friends, just for laughs. But the secret is now out: I'm a Madonna fan. Not that I've ever needed to justify my love for her.

By my count, I referenced 16 Madonna song titles in this post. Did you spot them all? If so, congrats! That's cause for celebration.