The Buzz On Oscar Buzz

Gulliver's Travels is a surefire Oscar contender. The film contains Jack Black in his most personal role to date, and a breakout performance by Emily Blunt. It's also one of the top three films to have opened in the last week, to boot.

Oh, you didn't realize there was Oscar buzz surrounding Gulliver's Travels? I'm not surprised. The film didn't have any Oscar buzz until a few minutes ago, when I typed the previous paragraph. But being the generous guy that I am, I've decided to give it some buzz.

I hate that term, "Oscar buzz." You read it all the time: such-and-such movie has Oscar buzz. Says who? What constitutes "buzz," exactly? And who starts the buzz? Can I now assume that Gulliver's Travels is a likely Oscar nominee because I say it has buzz? (Full disclosure: I haven't seen Gulliver's Travels, nor do I have any desire to see it. I read the book in high school and was ambivalent. The satire was a little outdated, to say the least. Now, show me an issue of MAD Magazine from the 18th century, and perhaps I'll have a greater respect for satire from that era.)

It's not hard to predict which films will have Oscar buzz. Gulliver's Travels actually fits one of the criteria for Oscar buzz: It's based on a critically acclaimed book. A few of the best-picture nominees for 2010 were based on books: Up in the Air, The Blind Side, Precious (which, in case you were unaware, is based on the novel Push by Sapphire).

Film plot is the key to determining whether a movie will garner Oscar buzz. Gulliver's Travels stars Jack Black as a New York City man transported to a land where the natives are much smaller than he is. Cute, but not Oscar-worthy.

Black Swan...now there's a movie that's Oscar-worthy. A ballerina who descends into madness and makes out with Mila Kunis? Yes! Give it Oscar buzz immediately!

The favorite to win the best-picture Oscar, in my view, is The King's Speech. You may not have heard of the movie prior to the Golden Globe nominations two weeks ago, when it received a leading seven nods. Heck, you may not have heard of The King's Speech until you started reading this paragraph.

But make no mistake, The King's Speech is absolutely worthy of Oscar consideration. For starters, it's a British film, and the Academy loves movies that contain English dialogue spoken in non-American accents. And the plot just screams Oscar buzz: a British king who tries to overcome a speech impediment with the help of a speech therapist. Seriously, how long have we been waiting for this story to be told on the big screen?

This is just my two cents; I'm not a film critic. There are many film critics and critics societies that will tell you which movies have Oscar buzz. (How many critics does society need?) But I do think my opinion is worth something. I've been hearing that my blog has a lot of buzz.

The Power Of The Quarter

The quarter is the most valuable coin issued by the U.S. Mint. More valuable than the penny, nickel and dime, certainly. More valuable than the half-dollar, which cannot be used on most vending machines or pay phones. (Though upon reflection, I haven't used a pay phone in seven or eight years, probably. I sure do miss sticking my finger in the coin slot in hopes that I'd find some change. Where else am I going to find a loose nickel?) More valuable than the dollar coin, which the subway vending machines like to dispense. I don't care for the dollar coin, because there are a lot of merchants who refuse to believe that a dollar coin exists. Oftentimes when I hand a dollar coin to a cashier, he or she stares at it and squeezes it, expecting chocolate to squirt out.

I first saw the value in the quarter when I was six or seven. I'd keep a collection of quarters that I'd spend on my two favorite hobbies: playing video games at the arcade (25 cents per play) and buying baseball cards (50 cents per pack). If you're under the age of 18, allow me to explain: an "arcade" was a place of business where kids could play video games displayed on TV screens inside cabinets; "baseball cards" were pictures printed on cardboard of Major League Baseball players. Whenever I had an extra quarter to spare, I'd use it at the mall on this electronic machine featuring the voice of a fortune teller who would say, "Give me a quarter, I'll tell you your fortune. Give me a quarter, I love quarters." So of course I gave her a quarter, knowing full well my fortune: I just wasted a quarter. And now it's part of her fortune.

Quarters are even more valuable to me now, because I rely on them to do laundry. I conserve them much like Elaine conserved the sponge. I feel a wave of excitement whenever I buy something and I know I'll receive quarters with my change. There's no greater thrill than buying a few items at the supermarket and finding out the tab is $7.13. You get back three quarters, and you've basically hit the jackpot. Conversely, if the tab is, say, $7.78, it's a letdown. Or, if you're expecting quarters for change and instead receive dimes and nickels, well, that's just one big tease, isn't it?

If only I were a magician, this wouldn't be an issue. I'd have a never-ending supply of quarters. I'd just keeping pulling them out of other people's ears.

I wonder how I'll use my quarters 20, 30, 40 years from now. All I know is that I hope I spend them all. I don't want to be showing my grandchildren my "quarter collection." Maybe the fortune teller at the mall will have a clue.

An Outbreak of Acne...Commercials

There's a terrible epidemic sweeping the country. You may have heard about it on TV. Though it can threaten anyone at any time, it is young, attractive female celebrities who are most at risk. The epidemic: acne.

I can't recall another time when so many of our most beautiful stars have come down with such a severe case of zit attacks. Hayden Panettiere, Julianne Hough, Katy Perry, Avril Lavigne, Mandy Moore, Justin Bieber...they all endorse acne treatment products. Wait a second...what's Justin Bieber doing on that list?

I see commercials for Proactiv or Neutrogena's skiniD at least five times per day. I'm embarrassed to admit that I know Hayden Panettiere's skiniD by heart. (Her skiniD is 12, 32, 53...what's yours?) A skiniD, I presume, tells the customer which Neutrogena solutions are most useful to him or her. I envision a future when we'll all need to have a skiniD and carry it with us at all times. "Pull over sir, I'm going to need to see your license, registration and skiniD." Or, "You don't look 21. If you want to buy that beer, you're going to need to show me some form of ID. Hmm...you're a 10, 33, 56. Alright, you check out, have a good day."

Forget for a moment that all of these celebrities are at least a 9 on the universal 1-10 scale used by superficial men to rate the opposite sex, even when they have a pimple. I don't understand why they were all taking pictures of themselves when they had an outbreak of acne. And it's not just a standard photo of their face...they zoomed in their camera all the way, so we can get a real close look at their disgusting pimples. I do give them credit for having the foresight to hold on to these pictures, because they came in handy once they landed an endorsement deal with Proactiv or Neutrogena.

I feel the same about the bald people in commercials for hair growth treatment. The major difference is, these people aren't even famous. They're just taking pictures of their bald spot just for the heck of it. I don't know who they are. I don't even know their baldiD.

In my day, we mainly used Oxy pads. Zit cleansing hadn't yet become a science, with skiniDs and micro-crystal medicines. Women like Hayden Panettiere, they just don't know how spoiled they are by today's skin cleansing products.

But if 12, 32, and 53 helps Hayden become a 10 on TV, then I suppose there's no harm in it.