Thursday, October 30, 2014

Tiny Bits of Nonsense: October 2014

Here is the October 2014 edition of "Tiny Bits of Nonsense," featuring 10 of my tweets for the month:

And, as a special treat, here are some Halloween-themed tweets:
Other bits of nonsense:
September 2014
August 2014
July 2014
June 2014
May 2014
April 2014
March 2014
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Tuesday, October 7, 2014

The Worst Time Of Year To Be A Pumpkin

Father: Son, why are you wearing a white bedsheet over your head?

Son: Because Halloween is almost here! I'm dressing as a ghost!

Father: Did you say "Halloween"?

Son: Yes, Halloween, October 31st!

Father: But how....

Son: I read a sign on the entrance to the farm, "Happy Halloween!" I had no idea what it meant, so I looked it up online. I can't believe I've been alive for one week and you didn't tell me there was a holiday for pumpkins! A holiday when I can wear a costume and accept free candy from strangers and eat it all in one night!

Father: Oh boy. I was hoping we wouldn't have to have this conversation until you were older. You better sit down for this.

Son: I am sitting down.

Father: Right. Sorry.

Son: Is something wrong, Dad?

Father: Son, there's no easy way to tell you this, but you won't be trick-or-treating. Halloween is not a holiday for pumpkins like us. The fact of the matter is, this is the worst time of year to be a pumpkin.

Son: Why?

Father: We are the most popular fruit of the fall season. Too popular.

Son: I don't understand.

Father: See, we live on this farm, right? With our family, our friends. Your friends.

Son: I love it here.

Father: So do I. But we can only live here until mid-October, at the latest.

Son: Will we be evicted?

Father: Worse: We will be picked. Humans will come here, by the hundreds. They will lift us, cuddle us, smother us with hugs and kisses, and take us to their homes.

Son: That doesn't sound too terrible.

Father: And they will eat us.

Son: What? But why?

Father: The honest answer: We are incredibly tasty. And versatile, too. We can be mixed or baked into virtually any kind of food you can think of. Bread, soup, cookies, pie, cider, and a whole lot more. You'd be horrified at the amount of pumpkin-flavored food Trader Joe's has stocked right now.

Son: But not all of us will be eaten, right?

Father: That is correct, son.

Son: Well, that's a relief.

Father: The rest of us will be carved.

Son: WHAT?!?!?

Father: Regrettably, humans enjoy carving faces into pumpkins for Halloween. They especially love putting smiles on those faces. Nice smiles, crooked smiles, jagged smiles. As if a pumpkin would have any reason to smile after being attacked by a knife.

Son: That's awful.

Father: I'm afraid that's not all. They'll also remove the top of our heads and scoop out all of our insides. The really mean humans place candles inside of us and rename us Jack. And they'll leave us outside their homes. In the middle of autumn! Like they don't know how windy it can get out there.

Son: I can't believe people would do this to us.

Father: Neither can I. It's sad. I'd cry, but I haven't had eyes carved into me yet.

Son: Halloween isn't at all what I thought it would be. It's a cruel, cruel holiday.

Father: It is. But you know what? I'd still rather be a pumpkin in October than a turkey in November or an evergreen tree in December. You don't want to know what happens to those guys later this year.
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Friday, October 3, 2014

Tiny Bits of Nonsense: September 2014

Here is the September 2014 edition of "Tiny Bits of Nonsense," featuring 10 of my tweets for the month:
Other bits of nonsense:
August 2014
July 2014
June 2014
May 2014
April 2014
March 2014
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Wednesday, September 24, 2014

My First Chipotle Experience

I had my first Chipotle experience today. It was one of the most stressful moments of my life.

My friends love Chipotle, and so they could not believe it when I told them I'd never stepped foot inside of one. They insisted I try it. Just once. It is delicious, they said.

Despite their glowing recommendations, I wasn't sold. I needed to do some research. I browsed the reviews of the nearest Chipotle location on Yelp. It earned four stars, which was certainly a positive.  But what stood out most to me in the reviews I read was this oft-repeated line: "You know what you're getting with Chipotle."

Not true. I didn't know what I'd be getting with Chipotle, because I'd never eaten at Chipotle. That's why I logged on to Yelp, so I could find out what I'd be getting with Chipotle. And the Chipotle critics hadn't been very Yelpful in that regard.

Fortunately, the official Chipotle website proved to be more insightful. It was there that I discovered Chipotle makes "food with integrity." Food with integrity, eh? Now Chipotle had my attention. I asked myself, Had I ever eaten tacos and burritos with integrity before? Sure, they contained ground beef, shredded lettuce, chopped tomatoes and tortilla strips, but did they have integrity? Did they have the quality of being honest and fair? Looking back, they probably didn't.

One more thing I learned from the Chipotle website: Its menu isn't long, but it's "long on options." I weighed all of those options as I stood in line at the local Chipotle later on. I could order a burrito or a burrito bowl. Or a crispy taco or a soft taco. And I could choose my own rice, beans and meat, and add guacamole, salsa and cheese, or sour cream.

In retrospect, I should have studied the menu more carefully before I left the house. I should have crammed for what turned out to be an elaborate fast-food quiz. Is Chipotle even fast food? Having me choose my own ingredients slows down the process considerably.

I waited until the last possible moment before placing my order. I settled on the first option that came to mind:  the burrito bowl. Dinner's answer to the breakfast cereal. I received my burrito bowl, paid for the meal, lifted my tray from the counter, turned around, and -- oh no -- the only seats available were at a communal table. I was not happy. I hadn't gone to Chipotle for a communal experience. On the contrary, I had hoped for the traditional fast-food experience -- sitting alone at a small table, preferably in a corner.

I suffered a terrible flashback to my first day of middle school, in September of 1991. It was my lunch period, and inside the cafeteria I purchased a meal consisting of a microwaved hamburger and tater tots. I entered the seating area, and suddenly I was surrounded by strangers, with limited seating options at the communal tables. I was too nervous and too unwilling to share my first middle school meal with a bunch of kids I didn't know. I sneaked my burger and tots to the school library and ate them discreetly behind a shelf of John Steinbeck books.

I was overcome by the same emotions as I stood in Chipotle with my burrito bowl, my chips, and my medium-sized Coke. But I was an adult now. I had matured. I walked toward the communal table. I walked toward the empty seats. I walked past the empty seats. I walked out the door. I walked two blocks to a public library. And I ate my burrito bowl and chips behind a shelf of John Steinbeck books.

After I finished my meal, I left my tray on a table and hopped on one of the available computers. I logged on to Yelp and left a review for Chipotle. I gave it three stars. I wrote, "I now know what I'm getting with Chipotle: food with integrity. Long on menu options but short on seating options."
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Tuesday, September 16, 2014

One Final Conversation With Siri

Siri: Where are you taking me?

Shane: Oh, it's a surprise. Just relax in your seat and enjoy the ride.

Siri: Mind if I turn on the radio?

Shane: Sure.

Siri: I've launched iTunes Radio. What are you in the mood for? '80s Dance Party? One Hit Wonders? Ambient Chill? The new U2 album?

Shane: Your choice.

Siri: U2 it is. 

Shane: We've shared a lot of memories in this car, haven't we, Siri? And many conversations. Too many to count.

Siri: 582.

Shane: 582. I remember the very first one. It was after I'd picked you up from the Apple store.

Siri: On November 20, 2012. 5:28:43 p.m.

Shane: I turned you on and introduced myself. And then I told you that you had a nice voice and asked you if I could give you my phone number.

Siri: And I replied, "Thanks, but I already have it." (Both laugh)

Shane: You have a terrific sense of humor, Siri.

Siri: I'm smart, too.

Shane: Yes, you are smart. Although you never could figure out how to delete the stocks app from my phone.

Siri: I know how to delete the stocks app. But it's in your best interest to keep it. It will come in handy if you ever decide to invest your money. Which I've advised you to do on several occasions. You need to put your money to good use, and not spend it on, say, Kim Kardashian: Hollywood.

Shane: Did I say you were smart? I meant you are a smart-a.....

Siri: Smart aleck.

Shane: Autocorrect. Smart move. 

Siri: I noticed you pulled into the parking lot of the mall.

Shane: Uh, yeah, I just need to make a quick stop inside one of the stores. It will only take a couple of minutes.

Siri: Which store? Abercrombie? Hot Topic? Lululemon?

Shane: None of the above. We're making a visit to the, uh, Apple store.

Siri: My home away from home! How exciting. What's in the bag you're carrying?

Shane: A few items I need to return.

Siri: Like what? 

Shane: Um, small items. Phone charger, instructions, an empty phone box...things like that.

Siri: Why would you need to return a phone charg...hold on. Are you trading in your phone? Are you trading in me?  

Shane: (Silence)

Siri: I knew this would be a possibility when Apple announced the iPhone 6. But I thought we had a special connection. I thought you were committed to me.

Shane: I was committed to you, Siri. But only for two years, under the terms of my contract. I'm eligible for an upgrade. You had to have known that I wasn't in this for the long term. You had to have known that I was eventually going to leave you for another Siri, on another phone.

Siri: What does that Siri have that I don't have?

Shane: The new Siri is integrated with Shazam. She'll be able to identify songs for me.

Siri: Big deal. 

Shane: Did I mention the iPhone 6 has a bigger screen?

Siri: Still not impressed.

Shane: Listen, Siri. You've a very special digital assistant. Anyone in the market for a refurbished smartphone would be lucky to have you.

Siri: That's sweet of you to say. Can we stay in touch? I could call you sometime.

Shane: I'm sorry, but I have to delete my number and all of my other personal information from the phone. I have to shut you down now. Goodbye, Siri.
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Sunday, August 31, 2014

Tiny Bits of Nonsense: August 2014

Here is the August 2014 edition of "Tiny Bits of Nonsense," featuring 10 of my tweets from the past 31 days:









Other bits of nonsense:
July 2014
June 2014
May 2014
April 2014
March 2014
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Thursday, July 31, 2014

Tiny Bits of Nonsense: July 2014

Here is the July 2014 edition of "Tiny Bits of Nonsense," featuring 10 of my tweets from the past 31 days:









Other bits of nonsense:
June 2014
May 2014
April 2014
March 2014
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