Congratulations in advance to Prince William and Kate Middleton, whose royal wedding is scheduled for 6 a.m. Eastern time this Friday. I wish you all the best in your marriage. Really, I do. I'm telling you this now, four days before your big day, because there is absolutely no way I am waking up at 6 a.m. to watch you -- two lovely people, I'm sure, but also two complete strangers to me -- exchange vows.
There have been very few occasions in my life when I woke up at 6 a.m. for a reason other than school/work or insomnia. I remember He-Man cartoons aired in the early morning when I was a kid, and I would drag myself out of bed to watch them. Or maybe it was She-Ra. After all these years, I'm still not sure if She-Ra was meant to be watched by girls or boys. Her nickname was the "Princess of Power" -- I never went up to my friends and asked them, "Hey, did you see the 'Princess of Power' yesterday?" -- but on the other hand, she was He-Man's sister, and her nemesis was a male.
So that was one exception. Waking up at 6 a.m. to watch Etheria's "Princess of Power": acceptable. Waking up at 6 a.m. to watch England's "Future Princess": inconceivable.
I do feel sympathy for Prince William, who is under intense scrutiny, what with the wedding just a few days away and the whole world analyzing his every move. I've been there, my friend. I'm not married. I'm not even engaged. But my future wedding is widely anticipated by family members who repeatedly ask me, "When are you going to get married?" It's more of a greeting now than a question. There are no more "hellos" in my family. They see me, they hug me, and they demand to know when I will find a wife.
I look forward to my wedding day. You can be certain that my wedding will also be scheduled for 6 a.m. My family wants me to get married? Then I'll get married at the break of dawn, ruin their day. That'll show 'em.
Prince William won't mind if I don't watch his wedding. He'll be sharing his special day with plenty of other people. The royal wedding will have 1,900 guests. Nineteen hundred! A lot of celebrities among them, too. Elton John will be there. David and Victoria Beckham will be there. Guy Ritchie will be there. Mr. Bean will be there. Mr. Bean! He probably won't give a toast at the reception. What an unusual mix of celebrities. It just seems so random to me. The U.S. equivalent would be George Clooney marrying and inviting Billy Joel, Lamar Odom and Khloe Kardashian, and Pee-Wee Herman to the wedding.
Anyway, good luck to you both, Prince William and Kate Middleton. I mean no disrespect when I tell you I will be sleeping through your wedding. Or watching She-Ra on DVD.
Monday, April 25, 2011
Friday, April 8, 2011
A Letter From The Animals Of The World To Hollywood
To all Hollywood studios:
It has come to our attention that some of you have been using our likenesses in movies without permission. According to our research, images of cats, dogs, birds, bees, geese, fish, donkeys, owls, chimps, chipmunks, wolves, foxes, frogs, turtles, tigers, lions, zebras, bears, lemurs, giraffes, lizards, penguins, rats, ants, dragons and countless other animals have been prominently featured in films over the last two decades.
We are deeply concerned over what we feel are inaccurate portrayals of the animal kingdom. Despite popular human belief, there is no such thing as a kung fu panda or a ninja turtle. Our stance on this issue cannot be more clear: We have not, nor ever will, engage in martial arts.
Quite frankly, we're astonished by your lack of knowledge regarding species other than your own. Do you not read the information plaques at the zoo?
We also believe that the poor critical response to some of these films will cause irreparable damage to our reputations. Had the wolf community known about Alpha and Omega prior to its release, it would have made every effort to protest the project. At the least, it would not have signed off on the tagline "A Pawsome 3D Adventure."
On behalf of all animals past and present (including the dinosaurs, mammoths and other creatures no longer with us), we demand that you cease and desist all further use of our likenesses until we reach a resolution. If you brazenly continue to disregard our rights, we will have no choice but to pursue legal action and unleash a rainstorm of bird droppings onto your cars.
Sincerely,
The Animal Kingdom
It has come to our attention that some of you have been using our likenesses in movies without permission. According to our research, images of cats, dogs, birds, bees, geese, fish, donkeys, owls, chimps, chipmunks, wolves, foxes, frogs, turtles, tigers, lions, zebras, bears, lemurs, giraffes, lizards, penguins, rats, ants, dragons and countless other animals have been prominently featured in films over the last two decades.
We are deeply concerned over what we feel are inaccurate portrayals of the animal kingdom. Despite popular human belief, there is no such thing as a kung fu panda or a ninja turtle. Our stance on this issue cannot be more clear: We have not, nor ever will, engage in martial arts.
Quite frankly, we're astonished by your lack of knowledge regarding species other than your own. Do you not read the information plaques at the zoo?
We also believe that the poor critical response to some of these films will cause irreparable damage to our reputations. Had the wolf community known about Alpha and Omega prior to its release, it would have made every effort to protest the project. At the least, it would not have signed off on the tagline "A Pawsome 3D Adventure."
On behalf of all animals past and present (including the dinosaurs, mammoths and other creatures no longer with us), we demand that you cease and desist all further use of our likenesses until we reach a resolution. If you brazenly continue to disregard our rights, we will have no choice but to pursue legal action and unleash a rainstorm of bird droppings onto your cars.
Sincerely,
The Animal Kingdom
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