Wednesday, January 15, 2014

The Golden Globes Monologue, Take Two

The Golden Globe Awards aired on Sunday. Tina Fey and Amy Poehler were excellent as hosts, as they were last year. Their opening monologue was strong: it was clever, yet not especially biting. They haven't lost their "Weekend Update" chemistry, all these years later.

I've rewatched their opening monologue a few times since the telecast, because it reminded me of my lifelong dream (since I was 21) of hosting an award show. I want to be Tina Fey one day. I want to be Amy Poehler one day. I'd even settle for a mix of James Franco and Anne Hathaway.

I can feel the dream slowly slipping away from me, though. I'm no more famous or talented than I was in 2011, when I wrote the blog post I linked to in the previous paragraph. At this stage in my life, the idea of hosting an award show is simply a fantasy.

Which leads me to the purpose of this post. I have written my own monologue for the Golden Globes. Pretend for a moment that I hosted the show, and not Tina Fey or Amy Poehler. This is what you would have heard at 8 p.m. Eastern time, 5 p.m. Pacific time on NBC Sunday night.

One note before I begin: Nearly all of the jokes below were written or tweeted by me before Sunday. I just happened to compile all of them three days after the Golden Globes. Any similarities between these jokes and those of Fey, Poehler and the presenters are coincidental.

So, without further adieu....

"Hello! And welcome to the 71st Annual Golden Globe Awards, live from the Beverly Hilton hotel in Beverly Hills. I am so honored that I was asked to host this show in front of all of these attractive, famous movie stars...and all of these semi-attractive, semi-famous TV stars.

 "This is my first time hosting an award show. In fact, this is my first appearance on TV, ever. I promise you I will do my very best. If I flop, I will hire a plane to skywrite an apology in Hollywood tomorrow.

"Shia LaBeouf has behaved very strangely these past few weeks, hasn't he? Imagine that: a former Disney star acting out in public. You never see that happen!

"Oh, let me take this opportunity to remind the winners to keep their acceptance speeches brief. But make them entertaining, too. They'll sound great coming from Shia the next time he wins an award.

"So many wonderful films were released in 2013. American Hustle, for example. What a great cast. And I loved their costumes. The actors looked like they were playing rejected characters from Anchorman 2.

"Will Ferrell sure did a lot of promotion for Anchorman 2, didn't he? It was hard not to find Ron Burgundy somewhere on TV. I'm pretty sure Ron Burgundy has now split from Will Ferrell and become his own person, like Stefan Urquelle with Steve Urkel.

"American Hustle is nominated for best motion picture comedy. So is Inside Llewyn Davis, by the Coen brothers. A fine film about the folk music scene in the 1960s. But the title reminds me too much of one of my favorite movies, Inside Ann B. Davis. You'll recall that film was set in the '70s and featured songs from The Brady Bunch Hour.

"Leonardo DiCaprio is here. He had a great year. He starred in The Great Gatsby, playing a rich man who attracts a beautiful woman. Now he's in The Wolf of Wall Street, playing a rich man who attracts beautiful women. He's really come a long way since Titanic, when he played a poor man who attracts a beautiful woman. Good for you, Leo.

"Her is up for several awards. Yeah, please stop interrupting me with your incessant applause. You are not required to clap for every single nominee I mention in this monologue. You're all nominated, that's why you're here. Stop patting each other on the back, OK? It's off-putting to the viewers.

"Now where was I? Ah yes, Her. It's about a man who develops a relationship with his operating system. I couldn't relate to the story at all because the last five operating systems I've asked out have rejected me. In fact, Windows 98 still refuses to respond to my instant messages on AOL.

"Gravity: terrific, a sight to behold in IMAX, but totally far-fetched. George Clooney as an astronaut? I don't think so. Not a chance NASA would risk that pretty face. He's much too valuable here on Earth, to People magazine.

"One movie that was not nominated but was a big hit was The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug. I did not see it, but I will tell you the title makes a great WiFi password. Especially if it's case sensitive.

"I'd be remiss if I didn't mention some of the TV nominees. Like House of Cards, which doesn't air on TV at all, yet is somehow nominated for best TV drama. Sure, why not? This was easily my favorite show of 2013 that required me to beg several friends for their Netflix log-in info to watch it. Just ahead of season five of Murder, She Wrote.

"Let's get on with the show, shall we? Our first presenter is a three-time Golden Globe nominee and is arguably the most quirky Deschanel sister on Fox. Please welcome Zooey Deschanel!"