Tuesday, July 29, 2014

A Remarkable Achievement In Candy Technology

Mars, Incorporated has completely revolutionized the way we celebrate birthdays. You may not realize it yet. I hadn't until earlier today.

I was waiting in line at my local drugstore, patiently waiting to purchase 24 rolls of generic-brand toilet paper, when I scanned the candy selection by the cash register. My eyes were immediately drawn to the M&M's -- specifically, a sky-blue bag of M&M's, which I'd never seen before. It contained Birthday Cake M&M's.

That's right: Birthday Cake M&M's. I had to take a deep breath, exhale and compose myself. I was truly in awe. The brilliant scientists at Mars, Incorporated isolated the essence of a birthday cake -- the frosting, the filling, the lettering -- and crammed it into a piece of candy the size of a dime. I never thought I'd live to see the day.

It is eerily similar to the scene in Back to the Future Part II in which the 2015 version of Lorraine McFly hydrates a miniature Pizza Hut pizza into a full-sized pie, only in reverse.

 
I have not encountered a more remarkable breakthrough in junk food since 7-Eleven introduced the sugar-free Slurpee.

I can only assume that in a few years birthday cakes will become a relic of the past, because we now have a much cheaper, smaller alternative. Carvel, Friendly's, Baskin-Robbins, Cold Stone Creamery...I'm not sure how they can survive this. Why would I spend $20, $30, $40 on a normal-sized birthday cake when I can plunk down 79 cents on a bag filled with M&M's that taste exactly the same?

Furthermore, a bag of M&M's is easier to transport, a fact that should not be discounted. Have you ever had to carry a box containing a birthday cake from a store to a party? It is such a hassle that it almost makes the party not even worth it. Carrying a cake is like carrying a rare and fragile statue. You have to cradle it with both of your arms, treating it with extra-special care to ensure you don't drop it. If the cake should happen to slip from your grasp and fall to the ground, it's ruined. The birthday is ruined.

Conversely, a bag of Birthday Cake M&M's slides neatly into your pocket. All you have to do is pull it out during the birthday party, when the time is right. You could toss the bag of M&M's onto the table after everyone sings "Happy Birthday." You could even insert a candle into the bag, if you like.

"Dig in, birthday boy! You can have the first M&M, since it's your special day."

"What's this?"

"Birthday cake!"

"These are M&M's. I wanted cake."

"That is cake. Just give it a try."

"I don't believe you. How can you be so cheap on my birthday? I...wait a second. This is good. This is really good. This tastes exactly like...birthday cake. How did they do that?"

"I knew you'd enjoy it. C'mon everybody, I brought enough bags for everyone!"

Realistically, Birthday Cake M&M's may not be enough to feed all of the guests at a big birthday party. I admit that. However, there is another enticing option: Kellogg's Birthday Cake and Confetti Cupcake Pop-Tarts. If you buy enough boxes, you can easily serve 80 to 100 people.
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Sunday, July 27, 2014

Flying Without Direction

I have observed houseflies for many, many years. I have watched them soar onto my arm. I have seen them land inside my mug of water. I've had to wipe my glasses -- on more than one occasion -- after a housefly absent-mindedly sailed right into one of the lenses, leaving unpleasant fly residue behind.

So, based on my experiences with houseflies, I can only come to one conclusion: They have no idea what they're doing.

The typical housefly is gifted with the amazing ability of flight, and its life span is only a few weeks. If that were my lot in life, I would make the most of my time on this Earth. I'd leave the nest at the age of 5 or 6 (days), travel the country, fall in love, marry, start a family, have 500 or 600 kids, raise them to adulthood, and then finally go on that second honeymoon with my wife that we'd been talking about for so long.

This is not at all how the typical housefly chooses to live its life, though. The typical housefly drifts aimlessly, from one trash can to the next, from one dirty plate to the next, from one human's face to the next. It is without direction.

Literally, the housefly is without direction. You've seen the housefly in action. It simply refuses to fly in a straight line. Instead, it zags, then zags, and then zigs and zags and zigs and zags and zigs and zags and...I'm not sure it ever ends. Its travel itinerary is basically one very long and confusing connect-the-dot puzzle.

I would love to be a fly on the wall when one fly asks another for directions. "I hear there's fresh dog poop on Main and Thompson. Do you know how to get there?" "Oh, it's less than a block away. Let me look this up on my GPS for you....OK, head south on Henry. After three feet, turn left. After six feet, turn right. After two inches, turn left, then stay in the right lane. Fly straight for a good 23 feet. Then, turn right onto Main. After two inches, turn left, then turn right. Land on the ground and stumble around for a bit. Resume flying west toward Thompson. After two feet, you'll have reached your destination."

Had they researched this on Google Maps and printed out the instructions, it would have taken three pages, at least. That's a lot of pages for a fly to carry around.

If only I could sit down with the housefly and explain to it how fortunate it is to have a talent that not many other organisms have. I would tell it, "What you have is rare and special. Don't waste it by hovering over garbage, or by smacking into my glasses. Spread your wings and fly. Fly anywhere you'd like. The sky's the limit.

"I should warn you, though, that if you happen to land in a bowl of soup and drown, humans will crack jokes at your expense. So be careful out there." 

I'll leave you with this thought: Did we really need two photos of houseflies mating on the Wikipedia page for the housefly?
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Monday, July 7, 2014

The Joy Of Spilling Drinks On Your Pants

I was searching through my closet, in need of a nice pair of pants to wear to a wedding, when I discovered khakis that I'd never noticed before. They rested on a hanger, 18 inches away from the nearest item on the rack. They were hemmed and neatly pressed.

"Where did these khakis come from?" I asked myself. "No time for questions now," I replied. I was in a hurry. I removed them from the hanger and tried them on. They were a relaxed fit. They were clean. And they matched my dress shirt. I immediately ended my search for wedding pants. I had a winner.

I left my home and settled into my car for the 45-minute drive to the wedding. As I navigated the roads, I again wondered how I came into possession of the comfortable khakis I was wearing. Were they a hand-me-down? Not likely. They appeared to be new. Maybe I'd purchased them, stored them and neglected them until they'd fallen out of memory? Hmmm...not impossible, but there were no tags on the inside. "Maybe these are magical pants," I laughed to myself.

The pants had the last laugh, though. They were magical.

The pants were magical in the sense that they contained a power I could not explain -- a power that revealed itself to me at the wedding reception, as I was exchanging pleasantries with a fellow guest at my table. As he explained to me how he knew the bride and groom, I spilled a little bit of water from my glass on my khakis. "Dang it!" I muttered. I assumed the water had left a spot on my pants.

Only, it hadn't. I looked down and noticed a small pool of water simply hovering on top of my khakis. My tablemate continued the conversation -- I don't think he saw the spill -- but I stopped paying attention to him. I just stared at the water on my pants for another 30 seconds. I then swatted it away, as if it were an annoying insect. It landed on the floor and dissipated, without ever having left a mark on my pants.

Perhaps it was a fluke. As my new friend chattered on, I slowly lifted my glass and "accidentally" leaked some more water on my pants. Same result. "Amazing," I thought.

"Excuse me for just one moment," I said to my tablemate. I walked toward the bartender. I had to run additional tests on my pants. "Can I have a Pepsi, please?"

I returned to my table with cola in hand. My conversation partner had wandered off, which is just as well, because I'd found a new way to keep myself occupied. I splashed some of the Pepsi on my pants. It streamed down my leg, like a river of soda. Remarkable.

Following another trip to the bartender, I poured ginger ale. No stains on the pants. Dr. Pepper. Still clean. The purple stuff. Spotless.

Off in the distance, a woman clinked her glass. It was the maid of honor; she had a toast to make. Immediately, I raised my glass of apple cider (I don't drink alcohol). I did not hear a word she said. My mind was fixated solely on dousing my pants with cider. As soon as she ended her spiel, I overturned the glass. Discreetly, of course. My pants were still dry!

The night was truly one to remember.

Several of my friends have informed me that when I eventually have my own wedding, I won't have time to eat food or drink soda or cider because I will be too busy entertaining my guests. But I vow to make sure that doesn't happen. I will eat, drink and be merry. Check that: I will eat, spill drinks and be merry.
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Monday, June 30, 2014

Tiny Bits of Nonsense: June 2014

Here is the June 2014 edition of "Tiny Bits of Nonsense," featuring 10 of my tweets from the past 30 days:









Other bits of nonsense:
May 2014
April 2014
March 2014
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Tuesday, May 27, 2014

Tiny Bits of Nonsense: May 2014

Here is the May 2014 edition of "Tiny Bits of Nonsense," featuring 10 of my tweets from the past four weeks:









Other bits of nonsense:
April 2014
March 2014
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Thursday, May 22, 2014

A Sneak Peek At My New TV Shows For The Fall Season

The 2013-2014 TV season ended last night. Already, I feel a void in my life. I find it hard to accept the fact that I'll have to wait four long months until my favorite shows return with new episodes. What am I supposed to do until then? Watch summer programming? How can I be expected to survive on a steady diet of Big Brother, America's Got Talent and I Wanna Marry "Harry"?

I can assure you the fall season holds much more promise (and not only because TV's most popular series will be back). Why do I say this? Because I created several of the exciting new programs you'll see on your screens later this year.

All of the major broadcast networks -- and a few other outlets, too -- have greenlit series that I will executive produce and star in. And I'm not even in the TV business! Obviously, I'm very excited, and I'm hoping to reward their faith in me.

I'm a firm believer in an oft-repeated writer's cliché, "Write what you know." That's reflected in the posts I've written for this blog, I think. I used the same approach for my upcoming TV projects. Nearly all of them are loosely based on my own life, including my experiences at home, at work and in social settings. I came up with a great concept for Howie Mandel, too.

The exact premiere dates have yet to be determined. For now, here are the official descriptions:

"Persian of Interest" (ABC)
Shane has a successful career, close friends and a nice apartment in the city that never sleeps, New York City. So what's missing in his life? Ask his Persian family, who is impatiently waiting for him to find a wife, move to Westchester and become a father. Shane struggles to balance the expectations of his loved ones with his own happiness in this hilarious new comedy.

The cast includes Shane ("I'm Having a Laugh"), Nasim Pedrad ("Saturday Night Live"), Catherine Bell ("JAG," "Army Wives"), Sarah Shahi ("Chicago Fire"), Maz Jobrani ("Better Off Ted"), Reza ("Shahs of Sunset") and Yu Darvish (Texas Rangers).

"How I Met The Woman Who Rejected Me And Later Became Your Mother" (CBS)
Shane has had his heart broken many, many times. Each week, through a series of flashbacks, he'll narrate a new story of how he met a nice woman, had several fun outings with her, developed strong emotional feelings for her, fantasized about spending the rest of his life with her, and never heard from her again.

The cast includes Shane (@myemptythoughts), Josh Radnor ("How I Met Your Mother"), Greta Gerwig ("Frances Ha") and Dave Coulier ("Full House") as the narrator.

"Nonsense For Nothing" (NBC)
"Nonsense For Nothing" is a multi-camera ensemble comedy based on the best-selling book of the same name. Shane is a young comic on the rise, hoping for his big break. In the meantime, he has to put up with the ups and downs of life along with his tightly-wound roommate, his quirky next-door neighbor and his stern landlord. Expect lots of pop culture references, lots of empty thoughts...and plenty of laughs.

The cast includes Shane ("Nonsense For Nothing"), Christopher Mintz-Plasse ("Superbad"), Alison Brie ("Community") and Daniel Day-Lewis ("There Will Be Blood," "Lincoln").

"America's Next Top Shane" (The CW)
Eight men and eight women live under the same roof as they compete for the title of "America's Next Top Shane." They will be mentored by real-life celebrity Shanes and face difficult challenges in the worlds of acting, modeling, blogging, tweeting, sports and more. The panel of judges and mentors include Shane ("Persian of Interest"), Shane West ("A Walk To Remember"), Shane Battier (Miami Heat), Shane Victorino (Boston Red Sox) and Alan Ladd, Jr. (son of "Shane" star Alan Ladd).

"Shane's Family Home Videos" (Netflix)
All 18 seasons of the groundbreaking docu-series will be released for the first time in its complete, unedited form, and in high definition. Relive the moments that defined Shane's childhood and shaped him into the man he's become today. His first steps. His first birthday party. His first day of school. His second day of school. His third day of school. His fourth day of school. His elementary school graduation. His middle school graduation. His junior prom. His senior prom. His high school graduation. And much, much, much more. Includes brand-new commentary from Shane; his family; his best friend in second grade, Rich; and others close to him.

"The Untitled Shane Project" (Fox)
Plot: TBD. This project is really just a scheme hatched by Shane to meet his celebrity crush, Zooey Deschanel of the Fox series New Girl.

"Pranking Howie Mandel" (TBS)
"Howie Do It." "Mobbed." "Deal With It." Howie Mandel has had an unhealthy obsession with hidden-camera shows in recent years. The tables will be turned on Mandel in "Pranking Howie Mandel." Throughout the season, Shane will prank the legendary comedian and TV host in increasingly annoying ways, until Mandel agrees to never host another hidden-camera show again.
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Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Tiny Bits of Nonsense: April 2014

Here is the April 2014 edition of "Tiny Bits of Nonsense," featuring 10 of my tweets from the past 30 days:









 
In case you missed it, the first edition of "Tiny Bits of Nonsense" was published in March 2014.
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