The Power Of The Quarter

The quarter is the most valuable coin issued by the U.S. Mint. More valuable than the penny, nickel and dime, certainly. More valuable than the half-dollar, which cannot be used on most vending machines or pay phones. (Though upon reflection, I haven't used a pay phone in seven or eight years, probably. I sure do miss sticking my finger in the coin slot in hopes that I'd find some change. Where else am I going to find a loose nickel?) More valuable than the dollar coin, which the subway vending machines like to dispense. I don't care for the dollar coin, because there are a lot of merchants who refuse to believe that a dollar coin exists. Oftentimes when I hand a dollar coin to a cashier, he or she stares at it and squeezes it, expecting chocolate to squirt out.

I first saw the value in the quarter when I was six or seven. I'd keep a collection of quarters that I'd spend on my two favorite hobbies: playing video games at the arcade (25 cents per play) and buying baseball cards (50 cents per pack). If you're under the age of 18, allow me to explain: an "arcade" was a place of business where kids could play video games displayed on TV screens inside cabinets; "baseball cards" were pictures printed on cardboard of Major League Baseball players. Whenever I had an extra quarter to spare, I'd use it at the mall on this electronic machine featuring the voice of a fortune teller who would say, "Give me a quarter, I'll tell you your fortune. Give me a quarter, I love quarters." So of course I gave her a quarter, knowing full well my fortune: I just wasted a quarter. And now it's part of her fortune.

Quarters are even more valuable to me now, because I rely on them to do laundry. I conserve them much like Elaine conserved the sponge. I feel a wave of excitement whenever I buy something and I know I'll receive quarters with my change. There's no greater thrill than buying a few items at the supermarket and finding out the tab is $7.13. You get back three quarters, and you've basically hit the jackpot. Conversely, if the tab is, say, $7.78, it's a letdown. Or, if you're expecting quarters for change and instead receive dimes and nickels, well, that's just one big tease, isn't it?

If only I were a magician, this wouldn't be an issue. I'd have a never-ending supply of quarters. I'd just keeping pulling them out of other people's ears.

I wonder how I'll use my quarters 20, 30, 40 years from now. All I know is that I hope I spend them all. I don't want to be showing my grandchildren my "quarter collection." Maybe the fortune teller at the mall will have a clue.

An Outbreak of Acne...Commercials

There's a terrible epidemic sweeping the country. You may have heard about it on TV. Though it can threaten anyone at any time, it is young, attractive female celebrities who are most at risk. The epidemic: acne.

I can't recall another time when so many of our most beautiful stars have come down with such a severe case of zit attacks. Hayden Panettiere, Julianne Hough, Katy Perry, Avril Lavigne, Mandy Moore, Justin Bieber...they all endorse acne treatment products. Wait a second...what's Justin Bieber doing on that list?

I see commercials for Proactiv or Neutrogena's skiniD at least five times per day. I'm embarrassed to admit that I know Hayden Panettiere's skiniD by heart. (Her skiniD is 12, 32, 53...what's yours?) A skiniD, I presume, tells the customer which Neutrogena solutions are most useful to him or her. I envision a future when we'll all need to have a skiniD and carry it with us at all times. "Pull over sir, I'm going to need to see your license, registration and skiniD." Or, "You don't look 21. If you want to buy that beer, you're going to need to show me some form of ID. Hmm...you're a 10, 33, 56. Alright, you check out, have a good day."

Forget for a moment that all of these celebrities are at least a 9 on the universal 1-10 scale used by superficial men to rate the opposite sex, even when they have a pimple. I don't understand why they were all taking pictures of themselves when they had an outbreak of acne. And it's not just a standard photo of their face...they zoomed in their camera all the way, so we can get a real close look at their disgusting pimples. I do give them credit for having the foresight to hold on to these pictures, because they came in handy once they landed an endorsement deal with Proactiv or Neutrogena.

I feel the same about the bald people in commercials for hair growth treatment. The major difference is, these people aren't even famous. They're just taking pictures of their bald spot just for the heck of it. I don't know who they are. I don't even know their baldiD.

In my day, we mainly used Oxy pads. Zit cleansing hadn't yet become a science, with skiniDs and micro-crystal medicines. Women like Hayden Panettiere, they just don't know how spoiled they are by today's skin cleansing products.

But if 12, 32, and 53 helps Hayden become a 10 on TV, then I suppose there's no harm in it.

Mickey, You Just Won The Super Bowl!

Every year, after the Super Bowl, Disney airs a commercial in which it asks a player from the winning team "what he's going to do next." The player will yell, "I'm going to Disney World!" What an amazing coincidence that all football players plan the same offseason vacation in the event they win the Super Bowl.

If Mickey Mouse were to join an NFL team and win the Super Bowl, what would he do next? Go back home? He lives year-round at Disney World. Could he go somewhere else? Or is he contractually obligated to celebrate his Super Bowl win at Disney World? How much fun could that be for him? He appears in a Disney World parade every day.

And what if Mickey were to lose the Super Bowl? Would he be banned from Disney World for the next week?

To Say This Blog Is Funny Is One Of The Bigger Understatements Of The Year

I often hear the phrase, "To say that [insert understatement here] is one of the bigger understatements of the year." I'll make up an example: "To say that Avatar is a successful movie is one of the bigger understatements of the year." Or, "To say that LeBron James might've made a mistake by announcing on national TV his decision to leave Cleveland for Miami is one of the bigger understatements of the year." Or, "To say that you'll be making a mistake if you do not purchase Shane's next book is one of the bigger understatements of the year."

So my question to you is this: What is the biggest understatement of the year? Will an announcement of some kind be made on December 31st? I hope so. To say that I want to know about the biggest understatement of the year is one of the bigger understatements of the year.

It's An Honor Just To Be Nominated

When I'm bored, I Google words at random. The other day, I Googled "Quiznos" and spent the next 20 minutes clicking on the results. Like I said, I was bored. And probably hungry, too.

In my research, I discovered an "award-winning Quiznos" in Anaheim, California. I'm not sure how awards are presented within the fast food industry, but I can only assume that an over-the-top ceremony was held in Hollywood at some point. How did I miss this on TV? Which award did Quiznos win? Best performance by a chicken in a leading sandwich?

Who hosted the ceremony? Who presented? Who walked the red carpet? Was there an "in memoriam" segment for the leftover vegetables that expired in the last year? Which fast food executives hooked up at the official after-party?

How did Us Weekly not cover this?

I'm 99.99 Percent Sure This Post Will Make You Smile

I was shopping at my local drugstore yesterday when I noticed a bottle of hand sanitizer available for sale by the cash register. The label on the bottle claimed the sanitizer kills 99.99 percent of all germs. I'm not sure how the manufacturer came to this conclusion. I assume it developed some sort of mathematical formula that I'm not privy to. Whatever the case may be, it's very confident that its product can effectively combat virtually every germ on this planet, except for maybe one or two that shall remain nameless.

Most hand sanitizers I've seen in stores kill 99.99 percent of germs. Which is fantastic. I'm happy that I can buy any number of sanitizers that will keep my hands clean, for the most part. I'll tell you what I could really use, though. A hand sanitizer that kills 00.01 percent of germs. The percent that's not covered by the other sanitizers. I'm afraid of those germs. They have to be pretty strong if they're resistant to all of the sanitizers currently on the market. Those are the germs that I need the most protection from.

A Pos't Regarding "Punk'd"

I was recently watching a clip of the comedy The Other Guys in which Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg's characters, both detectives, were fumbling an arrest. Exasperated, the suspect said, "Am I being Punk'd?"

It occurred to me that this is a commonly-used phrase, in one form or another. Google News shows at least 10 instances this month alone of someone either asking if they were being Punk'd or saying they thought they had been Punk'd.

Let me clear up the confusion. Chances are slim that anyone has been Punk'd in the last three years. How do I know this? Because the show went off the air in 2007. Ashton Kutcher stopped pulling pranks a long time ago. And when he did play tricks on others, the victims were usually celebrities.

So breathe a big sigh of relief. No one is in danger of being Punk'd.