Thursday, January 8, 2015

The 2015 Golden Globes Opening Monologue You Won't See

Tina Fey and Amy Poehler will host the Golden Globe Awards on Sunday night. This will be the third consecutive year in which they will have hosted the ceremony -- and the third consecutive year in which they will have denied me the opportunity to host the ceremony.

I've made no secret of the fact that I would like to host an awards show someday. For a time I thought that 2015 might be the year I'd fulfill that dream, that the Hollywood Foreign Press Association might finally discover my immense comedic talent and ask me to emcee the Golden Globes. I'd proven that I could write my own material for their show. I created an entire opening monologue for the 2014 Golden Globes, even though I was excluded from the telecast, and it earned favorable reviews from dozens of critics: Facebook friends, Twitter followers, close family members. So imagine how crushed I was when I learned that the HFPA had locked in Fey and Poehler as its 2015 hosts back in 2013.

I'm not bitter. I understand why Fey and Poehler are favorites of the Hollywood Foreign Press. They are two of the funniest celebrities around, and I expect them to nail their opening monologue on Sunday night, just as they have the past two years.

Of course, I would have nailed the opening monologue had I been given the chance. In fact, I've written a new monologue for the 2015 Golden Globes. It's printed below for your enjoyment.

Tina, Amy...if you happen to stumble upon this post in the next few days, you are more than welcome to borrow a joke or two for your own monologue. Let me take that a step further: I am requesting that you use one of my jokes. It would be the least you could do for me, since you're both the reason why I'm not hosting the Golden Globes...again.

Without further adieu....

"Hello, and welcome to the 72nd Annual Golden Globe Awards, live from the Beverly Hilton hotel in Beverly Hills. Tonight we celebrate and honor the finest achievements in the movie and television fields over the past year. Before I continue, I must point out that the script for tonight's show has received the approval of the North Korean government.

"As you know, officials there were upset with the plot of The Interview, starring Seth Rogen and James Franco, because it depicted the assassination of North Korean leader Kim Jong-un. The film caused a lot of controversy. Private emails were leaked by anonymous hackers, threats were made to theaters that planned to screen the movie. One group even threatened to hack this ceremony and install James Franco as host. There is no better way to embarrass Hollywood than by having Franco host an awards show. Ask the Academy. The scars from the 2011 Oscars still run deep.

"But we are here to focus on the positive, not the negative. Hundreds of the brightest stars in show business are in attendance. There may be as many celebrities here as there were on the poster for The Expendables 3. Very tight-knit group, those Expandables are.

"I would estimate that at least half of all the actors in this room have either appeared in an Expendables movie or have been cast in a Marvel or DC film. If you're an actor and you are not scheduled to star in a superhero film in the next 10 years, you have failed in your career. Make no mistake about it. The general public won't accept you unless you star in a project based on a comic book. Look at Bradley Cooper. He was a somewhat-successful, somewhat-handsome actor until he voiced a raccoon. And now look at him! His career has taken off. He doesn't have to do another Hangover sequel for the rest of his life.

"Let's talk about tonight's nominees. Birdman is up for several awards. Great film. You may not realize this, but the full title of the movie is Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance). Actually, I stand corrected: The full title is Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance): Based on the Novel "Push" by Sapphire. 

"Birdman was, without question, my favorite film of 2014 that included parenthesis in the title. Definitely ahead of Guardians (of the Galaxy), Gone (Girl), and (Annie).

"Jennifer Aniston is here. She's nominated for her wonderful performance in the drama Cake. People magazine, Us Weekly and E! News are really pulling for you tonight, Jen. They would love it if you won your category and then maybe kissed your fiance at an after-party later while holding your award. That would make for a great story on their websites tomorrow.

"The television categories are once again dominated by cable and online programs. But there is some hope for network TV. The CW earned its first Golden Globe nominations ever for its new comedy Jane the Virgin. Congratulations to the CW, well-deserved. But some other broadcast networks didn't get their due, I feel. For example, MyNetworkTV. It was completely snubbed. I mean, how many more hours of Bones reruns does a network need to air in order to be taken seriously? How many more episodes of The Walking Dead does a network need to censor in order for it to receive the recognition it so richly deserves? Wait 'til next year, MyNetworkTV.

"It's time to hand out the first award of the evening. Our first presenter is a three-time Golden Globes host who is nominated tonight for his Netflix series Derek. Please welcome Ricky Gervais!"