Saturday, February 28, 2015

An FAQ For "Shahs Of Sunset"

As someone of Persian descent, I feel a strong sense of pride when I watch Shahs of Sunset. Slight shame, too. Perhaps more than slight shame. But also a strong sense of pride.

The cast is comprised entirely of Persians. I'm Persian. It's a bond I share with them. And that's why I support them, even though there are times when they may not portray themselves in the best of lights on the show. (GG, I'm looking at you and your knives.)


I've rooted for Persian celebrities my whole life, because there have been so few of them in U.S. pop culture. They are underdogs in that way. It made it easy for me to pull for Andre Agassi in his matches against Pete Sampras; the Iron Sheik in his title defense against Hulk Hogan; and Alfred Molina's character in Not Without My Daughter.

With the fourth season of Shahs of Sunset premiering Monday night on Bravo, I thought I'd devote some space on this blog to questions about the show I'm often asked by friends.

Are there many Persians in the Los Angeles area, where the show is set?
Yes. The Los Angeles area is home to the largest community of Iranian-Americans in the U.S. More than 500,000 Iranian-Americans live there. 

Why did so many people of Persian descent move to that part of the country?
For the same reason that a person of any other ethnicity would: to live the American dream and pursue a career as a struggling actor/waiter.

Are the cast members of Shahs of Sunset really shahs?
There is no concrete evidence at this time to prove that any of the cast members of Shahs of Sunset are shahs. The last known record of a shah dates back to 1979.

Occasionally the cast members will mix Farsi words into their conversations at random times. Is that typical for English-speaking Persians?
Yes. We are also known to put heavy Farsi accents on English words for no apparent reason. For example, let's say I'd like to see the number-one movie in the country with you. I would ask you, "Vood you like too see Feef-tee Shades of Gah-ray?" There you are: your first Farsi lesson. Now you can say Fifty Shades of Grey like a real Persian.

Is it customary for a white American man to throw a lavish Persian dinner party for his feuding Persian pals to help them resolve their differences? 
Yes. This happens all the time. If anyone can diffuse tension involving Persians, it's an American. The U.S. has a long history of brokering peace with its Iranian friends.


Can you possibly rationalize the release of the following two music videos, titled "Like a Persian" and "Bringing Persian Back"?
No.


Can you grow a mustache like Reza's?
I wish!


How come there are never any cameos by other famous Persians on the show?
Excellent question. The show is mostly based in Beverly Hills. They can't find one A-list Persian star to make an appearance? The biggest celebrity cameo so far has been a member of the Jackson family, who, as best as I can tell, is not Persian. What Shahs of Sunset needs this season is a multi-episode arc by, say, the Iron Sheik. Or Alfred Molina.
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Saturday, February 21, 2015

The Problem With: 2015 Oscars Edition

Oscar season ends this Sunday. What a relief. I've had it with this Oscar season. This was the coldest Oscar season I can remember. The temperatures frequently dipped below 20 degrees here. As I write this sentence the windchill is three degrees. Three! How can I be expected to watch and analyze the nominated movies, make my Oscar predictions and complain about the top categories' lack of diversity in this type of weather?

Snow, ice, arctic blasts...we've experienced them all since the Academy announced its nominees in mid-January. Since then, I've basically stayed indoors, curled up underneath several blankets and repeatedly told myself that MTV Movie Awards season is just around the corner. I'm very happy that we're finally closing the curtain on Oscar season.

But before that happens, I'd like to say a word or two or 800 about the nominees. A year ago on this blog I offered critiques of nearly all of the movies in the best picture category for the 2014 Oscars. I'll spare you this time around by highlighting just five of the currently nominated films. I promise not to run too long, but if I start to ramble please feel free to cut me off with orchestral music.

Boyhood
It's fair to say that Boyhood is the front-runner to win the best picture Oscar. It's won a slew of awards over the past two months, in particular for Patricia Arquette's performance as the mother of two kids with a lousy romantic track record. I've watched Bachelorette couples with more stable relationships.

Boyhood was shot over the course of 12 years, but you already knew that. You must have known, because this particular fact is mentioned in every single story about the movie that's been published since its release. I'm exaggerating, but only slightly. A Google search for "Boyhood" and "shot over the course of 12 years" turns up approximately 11,800 results. Richard Linklater should have titled the movie Boyhood (Shot Over The Course Of 12 Years).

Did I just plagiarize the parenthesis joke I made in my Golden Globes monologue just a month ago? I sure did! In my defense, you probably didn't read it the first time.

Perhaps Boyhood deserves to win the Academy's top category, but not, in my opinion, because it was more than a decade in the making. It's not the great accomplishment you might suspect it is. Here's a brief list of other projects that took 12 years to complete:

-Two and a Half Men, the entire series
-Blur's upcoming album
-My studies in elementary school, middle school and high school
-My attempt to watch every episode of Gilmore Girls

Birdman
Birdman poses the biggest threat to Boyhood in the best picture race. It has an ending that's open to interpretation. If you haven't seen the film, I suggest you skip ahead to my notes on The Theory of Everything. Otherwise, read my take on Birdman's final scene below....

Here's what I believe happened: Michael Keaton's character jumped off the window ledge. However, he survives. He dusts himself off and walks the streets of New York alone, barely recognizable after receiving a new nose. Serendipitously, he runs into the only other actor who can understand what he's going through: Nina Sayers, with Natalie Portman reprising her Oscar-winning role from Black Swan. Following an emotional, heartfelt conversation in a coffee shop, they agree to co-star in a brand-new play that will end in the most disturbing way imaginable.

The Theory of Everything
If Michael Keaton does not take the best actor category, Eddie Redmayne will for his breakout role as Stephen Hawking in The Theory of Everything. I hope Redmayne wins, because I'd like for him to star in the "history of Saturday Night Live" movie I created in my head as I watched SNL's 40th anniversary special last weekend.

Redmayne would play Seth Meyers. It's an obvious fit once you browse enough pictures of Redmayne in Google Images. Other casting choices I made: Josh Radnor as Jimmy Fallon, Adam Scott as Colin Jost, Tyler James Williams as Michael Che, and...well, so far I've only cast the male "Weekend Update" anchors after the year 2000.

Selma
The greatest mystery of the Oscar nominations announcement, as far as I'm concerned, was the exclusion of David Oyelowo from the best actor race. He was magnificent as Martin Luther King, Jr. in Selma. He deserves to be recognized for his performance.

But allow me a moment to dwell on one of his co-stars in the film, Stephen Root. Maybe you don't recognize the name. He played Colonel Al Lingo. Still not ringing a bell? Here's another clue: He played Milton in Office Space. Yes, "I believe you have my stapler" Milton.

When I first spotted Root in Selma, I nearly jumped out of my seat and yelled, "It's Milton in the middle of the civil rights movement!" Honestly, I was so distracted every time I saw him in the movie because all I could think of was Milton. I practically begged for Root's character to advise the government to resolve its issues with King by using a "Jump to Conclusions" map.


The LEGO Movie
I haven't a bad word to say about The LEGO Movie. It was my favorite movie of 2014, hands down. Not only should it win best animated feature, it should win best picture, too.

Wait...it's not nominated for best picture? It's not even nominated for best animated feature?? How is that even possible??? Did the Academy even watch it???? It's a fantastic film, and I'd argue it was a greater technical achievement than Boyhood. The LEGO Movie was completed in fewer than 12 years, even though virtually all of the sets and cast members were made of LEGOs. I can't even fathom how much work was poured into assembling all of that. It would take me more than 12 years just to put together the Batwing featured in the movie.

Simply put, everything about The LEGO Movie is awesome.



In case you missed it:

The Problem With: "Back To The Future"
The Problem With: "A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving"
The Problem With: "Family Matters"
The Problem With: 2014 Oscars Edition
The Problem With: "The Wonder Years" 
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Tuesday, February 10, 2015

Tiny Bits of Nonsense: Valentine's Day Edition

It's a special Valentine's Day edition of "Tiny Bits of Nonsense"! Here are some tweets related to my favorite holiday of the year:













Other bits of nonsense:
January 2015
December 2014
Holiday Season Edition
November 2014
Thanksgiving Edition
October 2014
September 2014
August 2014
July 2014
June 2014
May 2014
April 2014
March 2014
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Tiny Bits of Nonsense: January 2015

Here is the January 2015 edition of "Tiny Bits of Nonsense," featuring 10 of my tweets for the month:
Other bits of nonsense:
December 2014
Holiday Season Edition
November 2014
Thanksgiving Edition
October 2014
September 2014
August 2014
July 2014
June 2014
May 2014
April 2014
March 2014
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Wednesday, January 28, 2015

The Impatient Internet

I love the Internet. Let me state that unequivocally. I love to spend time on the Internet, have conversations on the Internet, share my personal life on the Internet, make the Internet laugh every now and then. I have a very strong connection with the Internet.

My relationship with the Internet is not without its flaws, though. The Internet can be prone to mood swings. Sometimes it can be up, and sometimes it can be down.

Lately, the Internet has been impatient with me. Jealous and needy, too. Just this morning, I logged in to the website for my cable company in order to pay a bill. Before I could type in all of my credit card information, my phone rang. It was a close friend of mine. I stepped away from my laptop and took the call. 

As I paced back and forth in the room, as I am wont to do during a phone conversation, I glanced at the computer monitor. A message was displayed on the screen. The Internet had noticed I'd been inactive for a few minutes, and was wondering if I wanted to remain logged in to the site. I placed my hand over the speaker on my phone and loudly whispered to the Internet, "I'm on the phone. Just hang on a second. Don't log me out!"

Two minutes later, I said goodbye to my friend and returned to my laptop. I had been logged out of the website. I was not happy. In a calm but stern voice, I asked the Internet, "Why did you log me out after I told you not to? You knew I was on the phone. Do you have any idea how long it will take me to re-type my credit card number? There are, like, 28 digits. And now I have to look on the back of the card again for that extra number I can never remember...argh!"

The Internet can act like that every now and then. It doesn't like it when I communicate with the outside world. The Internet wants me all to itself. What other explanation can there be when it logs me out of a website after a couple of minutes? It's trying to punish me for interacting with another human being.

I especially find this to be the case whenever I attempt to buy tickets to a concert online. The mere idea that I'd seek out entertainment away from the Internet, with someone other than the Internet, bothers the Internet to no end. So it makes a concerted effort to discourage me from making a purchase. It mainly does so by planting a countdown clock on the corner of the page. "Want to see the Foo Fighters live, huh? OK. Here are your seats. I will hold on to them for you for exactly five minutes. After that, I will release them to the public. Your five minutes start...now. Good luck."

It knows that I can't make an informed decision on the seats in five minutes. I need to consult an arena map to determine what kind of view the seats will provide of the stage, to find out where they are in relation to the nearest aisle. I need to make sure they are the best possible seats I can acquire for myself and my friends. But the Internet doesn't care. Instead, it gives me a countdown clock like I'm Jack Bauer tasked with defusing a ticking time bomb.

If I choose to confirm the seats that are offered to me before the clock expires, I move on to the next page in the ticket-purchasing process. So does the countdown clock. The Internet resets it and gives me five more minutes to enter my credit card information. My life becomes so much more complicated whenever I am required to enter my credit card information on a website.

The Internet isn't the only one that can be stubborn in this relationship. I never back down from these sort of situations. I simply remove my credit card from my wallet and type as fast and as accurately as I can. And I beat the clock every time.

The Internet does not like to lose a fight, and when it does, it finds one last way to get under my skin. After my purchase is completed, the website promises to email me my tickets right away. Yet the Internet temporarily withholds them from me, knowing that I start to panic when I don't receive a PDF in my inbox in 30 seconds or less. It lets me sweat a little. It derives some sort of sick pleasure from watching me anxiously stare at my email, awaiting the arrival of my tickets. One minute will pass. Two minutes. Three minutes. Five minutes. Eight minutes. Twelve minutes. Seventeen minutes. Sometimes the tickets will show up after 20 minutes. Sometimes after 30 minutes. Sometimes after several hours.

It bothers me when the Internet does this. It bothers me a lot. But I always forgive it in the end. It's too important to me. I need the Internet, and the Internet needs me. And as long as I have the ability to type my credit card information within five minutes, we can make things work.
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Thursday, January 8, 2015

The 2015 Golden Globes Opening Monologue You Won't See

Tina Fey and Amy Poehler will host the Golden Globe Awards on Sunday night. This will be the third consecutive year in which they will have hosted the ceremony -- and the third consecutive year in which they will have denied me the opportunity to host the ceremony.

I've made no secret of the fact that I would like to host an awards show someday. For a time I thought that 2015 might be the year I'd fulfill that dream, that the Hollywood Foreign Press Association might finally discover my immense comedic talent and ask me to emcee the Golden Globes. I'd proven that I could write my own material for their show. I created an entire opening monologue for the 2014 Golden Globes, even though I was excluded from the telecast, and it earned favorable reviews from dozens of critics: Facebook friends, Twitter followers, close family members. So imagine how crushed I was when I learned that the HFPA had locked in Fey and Poehler as its 2015 hosts back in 2013.

I'm not bitter. I understand why Fey and Poehler are favorites of the Hollywood Foreign Press. They are two of the funniest celebrities around, and I expect them to nail their opening monologue on Sunday night, just as they have the past two years.

Of course, I would have nailed the opening monologue had I been given the chance. In fact, I've written a new monologue for the 2015 Golden Globes. It's printed below for your enjoyment.

Tina, Amy...if you happen to stumble upon this post in the next few days, you are more than welcome to borrow a joke or two for your own monologue. Let me take that a step further: I am requesting that you use one of my jokes. It would be the least you could do for me, since you're both the reason why I'm not hosting the Golden Globes...again.

Without further adieu....

"Hello, and welcome to the 72nd Annual Golden Globe Awards, live from the Beverly Hilton hotel in Beverly Hills. Tonight we celebrate and honor the finest achievements in the movie and television fields over the past year. Before I continue, I must point out that the script for tonight's show has received the approval of the North Korean government.

"As you know, officials there were upset with the plot of The Interview, starring Seth Rogen and James Franco, because it depicted the assassination of North Korean leader Kim Jong-un. The film caused a lot of controversy. Private emails were leaked by anonymous hackers, threats were made to theaters that planned to screen the movie. One group even threatened to hack this ceremony and install James Franco as host. There is no better way to embarrass Hollywood than by having Franco host an awards show. Ask the Academy. The scars from the 2011 Oscars still run deep.

"But we are here to focus on the positive, not the negative. Hundreds of the brightest stars in show business are in attendance. There may be as many celebrities here as there were on the poster for The Expendables 3. Very tight-knit group, those Expandables are.

"I would estimate that at least half of all the actors in this room have either appeared in an Expendables movie or have been cast in a Marvel or DC film. If you're an actor and you are not scheduled to star in a superhero film in the next 10 years, you have failed in your career. Make no mistake about it. The general public won't accept you unless you star in a project based on a comic book. Look at Bradley Cooper. He was a somewhat-successful, somewhat-handsome actor until he voiced a raccoon. And now look at him! His career has taken off. He doesn't have to do another Hangover sequel for the rest of his life.

"Let's talk about tonight's nominees. Birdman is up for several awards. Great film. You may not realize this, but the full title of the movie is Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance). Actually, I stand corrected: The full title is Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance): Based on the Novel "Push" by Sapphire. 

"Birdman was, without question, my favorite film of 2014 that included parenthesis in the title. Definitely ahead of Guardians (of the Galaxy), Gone (Girl), and (Annie).

"Jennifer Aniston is here. She's nominated for her wonderful performance in the drama Cake. People magazine, Us Weekly and E! News are really pulling for you tonight, Jen. They would love it if you won your category and then maybe kissed your fiance at an after-party later while holding your award. That would make for a great story on their websites tomorrow.

"The television categories are once again dominated by cable and online programs. But there is some hope for network TV. The CW earned its first Golden Globe nominations ever for its new comedy Jane the Virgin. Congratulations to the CW, well-deserved. But some other broadcast networks didn't get their due, I feel. For example, MyNetworkTV. It was completely snubbed. I mean, how many more hours of Bones reruns does a network need to air in order to be taken seriously? How many more episodes of The Walking Dead does a network need to censor in order for it to receive the recognition it so richly deserves? Wait 'til next year, MyNetworkTV.

"It's time to hand out the first award of the evening. Our first presenter is a three-time Golden Globes host who is nominated tonight for his Netflix series Derek. Please welcome Ricky Gervais!"
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Tiny Bits of Nonsense: December 2014

Here is the December 2014 edition of "Tiny Bits of Nonsense," featuring 10 of my tweets for the month:
Other bits of nonsense:
Holiday Season Edition
November 2014
Thanksgiving Edition
October 2014
September 2014
August 2014
July 2014
June 2014
May 2014
April 2014
March 2014
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