Thursday, July 16, 2015

Foo Fighters At Citi Field: Loud, Long, And Mets-Free

Last night I attended a Foo Fighters concert at Citi Field, home of the New York Mets. I had eagerly awaited the concert since purchasing tickets in January. My second-favorite band, playing in the stadium of my favorite baseball team? Yes!

I'd convinced myself that this concert would be more special than the previous two Foo Fighters shows I'd seen. Why? Because the Mets -- my Mets -- were involved.

The Mets and the Foos, together. I couldn't wait. Dave Grohl and his bandmates seemingly embraced the team in the lead-up to the show. Just look at this picture. I hadn't seen grown men with Mets jerseys smile like this in years.
I'm not sure what I thought would happen at the concert, but I fully expected it to have some sort of Mets influence. My mind ran wild with ideas. Maybe the Foos could:

- Perform in their Mets jerseys;
- Dedicate "Everlong" to the greatest couple in baseball, Mr. and Mrs. Met;
- Invite Tom Seaver onto the stage for a cover of "Meet the Mets."


The band decided to go in a different direction. They chose not to acknowledge the Mets in any way, shape or form. Well, aside from selling merchandise that borrowed the Mets' colors, including a blue-and-orange T-shirt that I purchased at the ballpark.

I love to buy merchandise that's blue and orange, because those are my two favorite colors (thanks to the Mets). I have the shopping habits of a 5-year-old.
My disappointment over the Foos/Mets matter aside, the concert was fun. Loud, too, louder than the other Foos shows I'd attended. Admittedly, it was a little too loud for my taste. There was actually a moment during the concert when I muttered to myself, "I get it, Dave, you don't want to be my monkey wrench. Do you have to scream it again and again at the top of your lungs?"
"Why would they come to our concert just to boo us?"
I had a good-sized headache by 10:30 p.m. And the show didn't end until 11:15 p.m., well past my bedtime. The Foo Fighters were onstage for two and a half hours. That's a long time to play music on a work night. With the long commute back to my apartment, I knew I wouldn't return home until 12:30 a.m. That meant I wouldn't be able to sleep as much as I normally do. And sleep is very important to me. Bands should be less concerned with entertaining their fans and giving them their money's worth, and more concerned with sending them home at a reasonable hour.

But these are all minor quibbles. The Foos sounded great. And, best of all, I didn't have to stand to enjoy them.
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Monday, July 6, 2015

Too Stressed To Color

I've been under a lot of stress lately, for reasons I won't bore you with. It's affected the way I live my life. It's disturbed my daily routine.

For example, I typically eat four bowls of cereal for dinner, but in recent weeks I've only had two bowls. I just haven't had the appetite for more. 

It's the stress. It's completely suppressed the joy I derive from the simple pleasures in life, like consuming half a box of Rice Chex at 7:30 p.m.

I'm not sure how to manage the stress. I have options, too many to count -- I could read a book, learn an instrument, play a sport, practice yoga, and so on -- but they all come with their own risk of stress. What if I choose the wrong book to read, or the wrong instrument to learn? What if I'm no good at the sport I decide to play? What if I can't find my yoga mat? I can't handle uncertainty.

Several friends have suggested that I speak with a therapist. I'm not sold on the idea. I'm worried that I wouldn't be able to afford it. The mere possibility of having to pay hundreds and hundreds of dollars for therapy stresses me out. That's a lot of money. That's a lot of boxes of Rice Chex.

I'd prefer a more cost-effective solution, one that wouldn't interfere with my cereal-eating diet. As luck would have it, I may have discovered a more cost-effective solution at 2 a.m. this morning.

I was watching the first Terminator movie on a random cable channel when I was introduced to this infomercial:


I'd never heard of Colorama before, but I was intrigued. Artwork that will melt your stress away? Can artwork really do that? I remember suffering dozens of panic attacks as a kid in art class because I couldn't stay between the lines. I frustrated my teacher to no end, which upset me to no end. My art didn't melt away my stress or her stress. It caused stress for the both of us.

I've never been much of an artist as an adult. My last honest attempt at creating artwork came in 2010, when I designed the cover for my book Shane Presents Shane's Empty Thoughts: Based on the Empty Thoughts of Shane.

The cover of Shane Presents Shane's Empty Thoughts: Based on the Empty Thoughts of Shane (still free on iTunes!).

I wanted a cover that reflected the book's title. As you can tell, I put in little effort to create such a cover in Microsoft Paint. I understand my limitations. My art is more MoMa than the Met.

But the purpose of Colorama is not to impress others or to sell them on something. It's to "create something wonderful and relax." 

It should also be noted that Colorama only costs $12.99, plus shipping and handling. Far more reasonably priced than your average therapist. And would I create anything at a therapist's office that I could frame or present to a friend as a gift? Not likely.

By 2:03 a.m. I was seriously considering ordering the Colorama. But then I started to think some more. What if the free deluxe pencil kit does not have the colors I need? What if I can't keep a steady hand while coloring in bed or in the car? What if I still can't stay between the lines?

As of this writing, I have not ordered the Colorama. I'm not ruling it out for the future, but I need more time to think about it. In the meantime, I'll look for other ways to melt my stress away, and look for other late-night infomercials. Maybe I should learn an instrument....

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Tuesday, June 30, 2015

Tiny Bits of Nonsense: June 2015

Here is the June 2015 edition of "Tiny Bits of Nonsense," featuring 10 of my tweets for the month:
Other bits of nonsense:
May 2015
"Back to the Future" Edition
April 2015
March 2015
February 2015
Valentine's Day Edition
January 2015
December 2014
Holiday Season Edition
November 2014
Thanksgiving Edition
October 2014
September 2014
August 2014
July 2014
June 2014
May 2014
April 2014
March 2014
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Thursday, June 18, 2015

Eight-Year-Old Me: Not Adorable?

I just changed my Facebook profile picture because, according to my family, no respectable woman would be interested in me if she were to see the old one.

I thought the photo was adorable, myself. It was taken when I was eight years old. In the picture, I'm wearing a grey sweatshirt with graphics of a checkered flag and some sort of "USA" logo on it. Presumably, the shirt promoted a racing event, but I couldn't tell you which one. Or why I even wore the shirt -- I wasn't a fan of auto racing then, and I'm not one now.

Sadly, the shirt is no longer in my possession, but I hope it found a nice home at a Goodwill store somewhere.

My younger self is also sporting double-bridged glasses. Remember, it was unfashionable to wear glasses back in the 1980s, but I was committed to seeing well at a very early age.

Really, what makes the photo so precious, from my perspective, is my hairdo at the time. It's thick, it's lustrous, and it sticks straight up toward the ceiling. I had the Cosmo Kramer look before Cosmo Kramer existed on TV. I'm kind of proud of that.

I chose it as my Facebook profile picture for three reasons: 1) I'm a private person and I generally don't share photos of myself online (which is why you don't see the Shane/Kramer pic here); 2) I have a self-deprecating sense of humor -- I like to poke fun at myself, and it's rather easy to poke fun at eight-year-old Shane (it's like I'm bullying myself!); and 3) I really do believe it's a cute pic, and that I was even more loveable then than I am now.

My family strongly disputes the latter point. They don't find the photo to be adorable at all. They find it to be absurd at best and, at worst, a major obstacle to finding love.

"Why did you post that picture on Facebook?" they asked me. "You look ridiculous in it."

Keep in mind, these are the same people who snapped this picture and thought enough of it to display it in a photo album for the past 27 years.

"How could anyone not like eight-year-old me?" I reasoned. "Looking at myself, I just want to give myself a big hug!"

"Shane, no woman wants to be with a man who has a goofy photo of himself as a child as his Facebook profile picture," they countered.

Is that really true, though? I know women ask for a lot in a partner -- good looks, job security, a sense of humor -- but I didn't realize that an appealing Facebook profile photo is also a requirement. 

I'll tell you this much: If a woman were to demand to see my Facebook profile picture on a first date -- like she's a TSA agent checking my driver's license to ensure I'm legit -- I'd walk right out on her. I'd have nothing to prove to her, and neither would eight-year-old Shane.

I polled my Facebook friends to gauge the validity of my family's theory, that women would be turned off by the photo. One longtime acquaintance -- female -- mostly disagreed, writing, "Perhaps some girls [wouldn't be interested in me after seeing the picture] but would you be interested in those boring girls anyway? Cool chicks dig Kramer hair."

Another, male friend openly wondered whether I was using Facebook to pick up women.

As I mentioned at the top, I succumbed to family pressure and changed my profile picture to a more current photo. We'll see what kind of effect it has on my romantic life going forward.

In the meantime, I hope my family doesn't find out my Twitter profile picture is of a pedestrian signal.
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Saturday, May 30, 2015

Tiny Bits of Nonsense: May 2015

Here is the May 2015 edition of "Tiny Bits of Nonsense," featuring 10 of my tweets for the month:
Other bits of nonsense:
"Back to the Future" Edition
April 2015
March 2015
February 2015
Valentine's Day Edition
January 2015
December 2014
Holiday Season Edition
November 2014
Thanksgiving Edition
October 2014
September 2014
August 2014
July 2014
June 2014
May 2014
April 2014
March 2014
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Thursday, May 28, 2015

Tiny Bits of Nonsense: "Back to the Future" Edition

It may be time to admit that I have an unhealthy obsession with the Back to the Future movies. Not only did I dedicate the first post in my "Problem With" series to the first movie in the trilogy, and then write a separate entry on the silly Back to the Future memes and rumors on the Internet, but I've also tweeted several jokes that make reference to the films.

I didn't realize how many Back to the Future-inspired tweets I'd published until I wrote one last night about Old Biff's meeting with his younger self that I thought was rather amusing. Of course, no one retweeted it or favorited it, but that's neither here nor there.

I figured I'd compile all of those tweets here, if for no other reason than to ensure that I don't recycle old jokes in the future. Because it's pretty clear that I'm going to be writing more tweets about the Back to the Future movies in the future. Enjoy!










Other bits of nonsense:
April 2015
March 2015
February 2015
Valentine's Day Edition
January 2015
December 2014
Holiday Season Edition
November 2014
Thanksgiving Edition
October 2014
September 2014
August 2014
July 2014
June 2014
May 2014
April 2014
March 2014
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Saturday, May 16, 2015

Standing At Concerts: Why I Can't Stand It

I attended a Noel Gallagher concert last week. It was the eighth time I'd seen him live, both as the lead guitarist for Oasis and as a solo artist.

He is my favorite musician, and since he's from England, it's a rare treat when he comes across the pond and puts on a show here. He tours the U.S., on average, once every three or four years. He hasn't spoiled me as a fan, and I like that. By comparison, Dave Matthews Band announces a summer tour once every two or three weeks. They will circle the country six times this summer alone. I'm sorry...seven times. More dates were just released.

My latest Noel Gallagher concert was staged in a general admission venue, with a capacity of 1,500. In one respect it enhanced the experience because it was intimate, and I was able to maneuver myself relatively close to the stage. On the other hand, I had to stand for a total of three hours, and I couldn't stand it.

I arrived to the venue at 7:30 p.m., a half-hour before the doors opened, and stood in line. The concert was scheduled to begin at 9 p.m. By 8:53 p.m., my lower back was throbbing. It was an unfair reminder that, at the age of 34, my peak years of standing amid a sea of excitable music fans are long behind me. I was fantasizing about the curb outside the venue, and all of the wonderful ways I could sit on it, by the time Noel took the stage.

Once he started playing his guitar, I was able to mentally block the pain I was feeling. I was really entertained by the opening song and was dancing in that awkward "I can't dance so I'll bop my head, tap my foot and slap my hand against my thigh" sort of way. But the fans in front of me were moving to the music as well, and they started shifting their position and, as a result, obscuring my view of Noel. I'm 5'6" so I had to constantly stretch my neck to the left, to the right, in whichever direction necessary in order to best peer through the crowd in front of me and see the musician I paid to see. 

For those of you who are taller than I am, let me take a moment to explain to you how difficult it can be to be my height. Those around me are not really sensitive to the fact that I'm smaller than average, and they are not very accommodating to me. In fact, I usually have to accommodate them.

An example: when I'm with friends, and we want to take a group photo. This is rarely handled in a diplomatic manner. "Hey Shane, you're short, can you stand in the front, please? You're such a tiny person, and we don't want you to be hidden in the back behind all of us, your friends, who tower over you. That's great, thank you. Wait a second...can you kneel down toward the ground? It's just a precautionary measure. Again, you're short, but we can't run the risk of your head blocking someone's neck or chin. Thanks, buddy."

If I have to stand in front for a group photo because I'm short, it stands to reason that I should stand in the front for a general admission concert. That's just my two cents.

What really bothers me is when fans stand up at a seated venue during a concert. There's no need for that. You paid for the seat; use it. Get your money's worth out of it. The music will sound exactly the same whether you're sitting or standing. I'm certain of it.

Boy, was I irritated when I attended a festival in Central Park last fall. There were no seats, but everyone, including myself, was very comfortable sitting or lying on the grass. I was able to enjoy the music of fun. and Carrie Underwood while sprawled out on my blanket. I was really having fun (no pun intended). Then No Doubt walked onto the stage, and everyone stood up. I couldn't believe it. Here we were, relaxing on a lawn -- a Great Lawn -- and it was all ruined because tens of thousands of people felt the need to get on their feet for No Doubt's infectious brand of ska-pop. And they remained standing for a headlining set by Jay Z. That's more than two hours of standing for no logical reason. That night, I had 99 problems and searing leg pain was one.

Back to the Noel Gallagher concert: I had discomfort in my back from standing, and I had discomfort in my neck from stretching. Physically, I was falling apart. Fortunately, Noel had the cure halfway through his set: a semi-acoustic performance of "Champagne Supernova," which served as a cue for several fans around me to light up a joint. "Where were you while we were getting high?" indeed.

I'm certain the marijuana was for medicinal purposes, because they had to have been in as much agony as I was. I don't think I inhaled the smoke, but I did suddenly feel a whole lot better about myself, though I developed an intense craving for Doritos.

I don't mean to complain. It was an awesome concert, one of my personal favorites. I'm actually seeing Noel Gallagher again next month. In a seated venue. While I'm looking forward to the show, you better believe I will be sitting down for every minute of it.
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