Thursday, December 31, 2015

It's Nice To Be Liked (On Facebook)

I have never been happier than I am right now. I'm indescribably happy. I'm on cloud nine. I am grateful, blessed, and all of the other emotions that make for great hashtags.

You see, a couple of weeks ago I proposed to my girlfriend. It was joyful. It was celebratory. It was magical. Simply put, it was the greatest moment of my life.

Hours later, I announced my engagement on Facebook. The post received more than 100 likes. It was the first time a post of mine had ever received more than 100 likes. Simply put, it was the greatest moment of my life.

I joined Facebook in 2009. I waited a long time for a post of mine to be liked by 100 friends. I did everything I could to make it happen. I uploaded photos of myself with random dogs. I filled out "Which Girls character are you?" quizzes and shared the results. I thanked everyone for their birthday wishes every day for a full year. Nothing worked.

That is, until I popped the question. It's a dream come true. I'm in love. And I'm liked. 

I'm excited. I'm excited to be engaged, excited to marry, excited to buy a home, excited to have kids, and excited to be liked on Facebook for all of these things.

I'm not surprised that I was so well-liked on Facebook after the proposal. I expected that. What I did not expect was that I'd be so well-liked in public after the proposal. That's been a very pleasant surprise.

Lately, when my fiancée and I have walked around the neighborhood, passersby have noticed us, flashed us smiles, and even thrown us a compliment or two. Maybe we emanate a glow, emit a new-engagement smell. I don't know. But we are definitely trending on the streets of New York.

There was one man who pointed both of his index fingers in our direction and commented, loudly, "Hey, what a great-looking couple!" My mind may be playing tricks on me, but if I remember correctly he performed the David Brent dance as he said it.


It's wonderful and intoxicating to be this well-liked. Had I known my popularity would rise this much after a marriage proposal, I would've gotten engaged in middle school.

The engagement has made me feel complete. I have the perfect woman by my side, an outpouring of support from strangers, and 100 likes on Facebook. What more could I want?

Maybe one thing: for 100 people to click the +1 button on this engagement post. I've never had 100 people click the +1 button for a blog post of mine.
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Tiny Bits of Nonsense: New Year's Edition

It's a special New Year's edition of "Tiny Bits of Nonsense"! Here are some tweets that won't drop the ball. No countdown necessary:
Other bits of nonsense:
November 2015
October 2015
Halloween Edition
September 2015
August 2015
July 2015
June 2015
May 2015
"Back to the Future" Edition
April 2015
March 2015
February 2015
Valentine's Day Edition
January 2015
December 2014
Holiday Season Edition
November 2014
Thanksgiving Edition
October 2014
September 2014
August 2014
July 2014
June 2014
May 2014
April 2014
March 2014
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Tuesday, December 1, 2015

Tiny Bits of Nonsense: November 2015

Here is the November 2015 edition of "Tiny Bits of Nonsense," featuring 10 of my tweets for the month:
Other bits of nonsense:
October 2015
Halloween Edition
September 2015
August 2015
July 2015
June 2015
May 2015
"Back to the Future" Edition
April 2015
March 2015
February 2015
Valentine's Day Edition
January 2015
December 2014
Holiday Season Edition
November 2014
Thanksgiving Edition
October 2014
September 2014
August 2014
July 2014
June 2014
May 2014
April 2014
March 2014
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Monday, November 23, 2015

All I Want Is A Treat

I strolled through a farmers' market in my neighborhood this morning. I'm a strong believer in supporting my local farmers. I don't purchase any of their vegetables, mind you. As I've established on here more than once, I do not cook for myself. I visit the market strictly to provide moral support.

To be fair, there was one stand that sparked my interest. It offered treats -- what I believed to be rectangular cookies. Several of them were labeled "peanut butter and bacon." I love peanut butter. I love bacon. I'm not sure I've ever eaten the two of them together, though. I was intrigued.

And then I was disappointed. I continued to read the label and realized that it was a treat for dogs. That seemed unfair to me. Why should dogs -- and only dogs -- be allowed to eat such a delicious-sounding biscuit? How many of them even remember to bring money with them to the farmers' market?

I had brought money to spend at the market, and I would have gladly spent it on a peanut butter and bacon treat. If only it were available for humans.

After I returned home, I conducted an Amazon search of dog treats. I was truly stunned by the variety of flavors. "Peanut Butter and Strawberry Jelly." "Pumpkin and Banana." "Wild Salmon." "Filet Mignon."

Filet. Mignon. Do you have any idea how rare an occasion it is for me to eat filet mignon? I enjoy filet mignon, at most, once a year, at a fancy restaurant, right before my date tells me we should see other people.

And yet a dog can devour a bucket of filet mignon treats, at half the price. Where's the justice in this world?

Dogs are offered way too many food choices. I've expressed this opinion once before, in my first book, Shaneanigans. I'm quite proud of the title of that book. I'm not quite as proud of its sales totals.

In any event, I wrote in Shaneanigans:

I don’t believe dogs are that picky about what they eat...After a long day of licking themselves, are they really in a position to reject what’s in their dish? Anything must taste good at that point. 

All these years later, I'm still waiting for an explanation.

A dog is an animal with simple tastes. So am I. But I don't lick myself, I assure you. So where's my peanut butter and bacon treat, farmers? I've supported your market. I've been a good boy. I want a snack!
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Wednesday, November 4, 2015

A Bathroom Pun To Remember

There are still two months remaining in 2015, but I feel confident in saying that my single greatest accomplishment of the year came last Friday on a bus ride from New York to Washington, D.C. I couldn't wait to share it with all of you, right here on this blog.

Are you ready for it? Here it is: I came up with a great pun to describe the broken door lock of a small bathroom located on the bus.

I was traveling on said bus with a friend. A third of the way through the trip, he stood up to use the lavatory in the back. Minutes later, he returned and reported to me that the lock on the door was not working properly. Over the next hour, we overheard two or three passengers open the door and discover that it was occupied. How embarrassing.

My friend looked at me and wondered, "What would be a good headline for the bathroom situation?" This is a fun game that I like to play: creating headlines for stories that would never, in reality, be published by any website or newspaper.

There are only two rules to this game: 1) The headline must contain a pun, and 2) the pun must either be very clever or very, very dumb.

My friend went first. He suggested a headline that was merely fine. I couldn't tell you what it was; it was not memorable at all. If a headline is really good, it won't be forgotten.

I nodded my head; he made a solid effort, but it fell short of my lofty standards for puns. I contemplated my turn. A headline for a broken lock that disrupts passengers while they are taking care of business in a compartment on a moving vehicle. I thought of words I could use. Bus? Bathroom? Lock? Toilet? Toilet paper? Can? Flush? Urine? So many options...but which ones would make for a great headline?

I stared out the window for two or three minutes. Then, it hit me, like a flash of genius. A great headline.

I locked eyes with my friend, and with the biggest smile I've smiled in a long, long time, I said, "Swirl, Interrupted."

I was so proud of myself. It was a thing of beauty. Two words that perfectly summarized what was happening on the bus, with incredible wordplay and an impressive reference to a 16-year-old Angelina Jolie movie.

It's a moment like that one that reminds me that if I put my mind to something, I can accomplish anything. Like, say, become a headline writer for the New York Post one day.

I've invited several other friends to top my headline, but none of their suggestions have come close. If you feel you're up to the task, tweet me at @myemptythoughts. But I must emphasize to you: my headline is really special.
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Saturday, October 31, 2015

Tiny Bits of Nonsense: October 2015

Here is the October 2015 edition of "Tiny Bits of Nonsense," featuring some of my tweets for the month:








Other bits of nonsense:
Halloween Edition
September 2015
August 2015
July 2015
June 2015
May 2015
"Back to the Future" Edition
April 2015
March 2015
February 2015
Valentine's Day Edition
January 2015
December 2014
Holiday Season Edition
November 2014
Thanksgiving Edition
October 2014
September 2014
August 2014
July 2014
June 2014
May 2014
April 2014
March 2014
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Thursday, October 29, 2015

Tiny Bits of Nonsense: Halloween Edition

It's a special Halloween edition of "Tiny Bits of Nonsense"! Here are some tweets to go with your treats:









Other bits of nonsense:
September 2015
August 2015
July 2015
June 2015
May 2015
"Back to the Future" Edition
April 2015
March 2015
February 2015
Valentine's Day Edition
January 2015
December 2014
Holiday Season Edition
November 2014
Thanksgiving Edition
October 2014
September 2014
August 2014
July 2014
June 2014
May 2014
April 2014
March 2014
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