Speed Stick and Right Guard sound less like deodorants and more like superheroes who didn't make the cut for the Justice League.— Shane (@myemptythoughts) August 3, 2016
"Sausage Party" could be so much better if Joaquin Phoenix played an exaggerated version of himself named "Joaquinoa Phoenix."— Shane (@myemptythoughts) August 12, 2016
I sold my life story to a Hollywood studio. It's now going to reboot my life and cast a woman to play me.— Shane (@myemptythoughts) August 7, 2016
Sand is the laziest object on Earth. It just lies on the beach all day, every day, every year.— Shane (@myemptythoughts) August 21, 2016
I just read about a new science advisory that sitting too much can be harmful to your health. I won't stand for that.— Shane (@myemptythoughts) August 17, 2016
The immigrants who arrived by boat to Ellis Island had so little. Not even selfie sticks.— Shane (@myemptythoughts) August 10, 2016
My only goal in life is to outlive my forever stamps.— Shane (@myemptythoughts) August 1, 2016
Crystal Pepsi is back, mainly because it didn't realize we weren't playing hard to get.— Shane (@myemptythoughts) August 27, 2016
I took a cooking class this summer. I failed. I have to take it again next year. In the meantime, I'm going to be hungry.— Shane (@myemptythoughts) August 26, 2016
Other bits of nonsense:My greatest athletic achievement is that time I scored a hole-in-one on the 18th hole of a mini golf course.— Shane (@myemptythoughts) August 31, 2016
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